Complaints department closed!

Some days living this life is just too hard. This disorder can affect so much and I get tired of just trying to go on. A friend I know would probably tell me to take some time for my self and be kind, take a break. She is right of course, but I am grumpy anyway.
I hear my Alters, they talk to me as voices in my head, and if I am not doing as they like they will continue to winge and complain throughout the day until I either do what they want or they give up. It is not always easy to understand or hear what they are saying, so I can spend my time knowing they are upset and listening to a constant mumble of complaints. It is like someone constantly telling you that you are doing the wrong thing or not listening to them but at the same time not really knowing what it is you are supposed to be doing or what they want. It gets so tiring. My thoughts are not my own and my body and time is not my own.
I discussed this with my Therapist this morning and she said it was a bit like raising children. Children need to learn that sometimes when they want things they can have them right away, and at other times we are busy and they will need to wait till we have finished what we are doing before they can have what they want. Same goes for internal children. They too want attention now, and for me to take time for them whenever they want. That does not always work in with what is going on in my life. so I must help them to see that I will be with them soon but for now they must wait. Just like teaching an outside child to have to wait sometimes, so I must teach an inside child to do the same. And yes they may throw a tantrum, but in time if I stand by my word and do what I say I will do, they will hopefully come to trust that I will be there for them, but they don't have the right to take over when ever they want to. It all sounds good in theory, but I am sure any parent will tell you it is not always easy. I always wanted lots of children I just didn't expect it to happen quite this way.

Ugly (may trigger)

I was at my first Bridges meeting the other day since my operation. It was nice to see a new face in the group. There was of course much discussion of many topics but one the really stuck out to me was about self hatred and harm.
It is very common for those who have been through trauma and abuse to have issues with self hatred and harm. It can come for many reasons. Sometimes it is anger for our abuser that is directed inward toward our selves instead of out towards them. Sometimes it is anger at ourselves for not doing more to stop the abuse, or for engaging in activities that we don't feel safe in. Self harm is often a common response to this hatred. Cutting, overeating, starving, punching yourself, swallowing or sticking things onto your body, even excessive drinking or drug taking, to mention just a few. These relieve the tension and hatred, but only for a time. They give a sense of relief, reprieve, but they are only temporary.

One of us in the group spoke of wanting to slash all her hair off, so she could look "as ugly on the outside as she felt on the inside". This really spoke to me. It was like she had finally found words for what I had been trying to express for years. It is that deep feeling of ugliness, of being evil, unwanted and broken that never seems to show on the outside. The self harm is a way to take that from the inside and show it outside. Even as I type, I can feel my own self hatred and desire to self harm rising.
I hate who I am, I hate the mess and brokenness inside. I see myself as weak and in so many ways to blame for so much that happened to me. I know in my logical mind that I was a child and not responsible or able to control what happened to me, and that helps at times to hold it at bay. But at times it is all too much.

Part of this journey is to learn to accept who we are and the pain we feel. To find other ways to deal with the anger and hatred. And ultimately to learn to love ourselves for who we are.
One of the techniques we discussed for releasing some of this anger and hatred was to throw ice cubes at a wall or fence. The noise and smashing helps to get it out. I never really learned how to deal with my anger as I was growing up. It was not something I really knew how to deal with. I guess most of it just went inside.
If you have any ideas on other ways of dealing with it, please let me know.

Post Op.

Hi everyone, it has been 2 1/2 weeks since my operation and I am doing really well. I haven't posted before now as I have been trying to let my DID fade into the background as much as possible so that I didn't trigger too much, and I could focus on getting physically well without having to deal with too much switching.
The surgery was physically very successful and by all accounts I am healing very well. I am back to doing most of the things I would normally do, just avoiding stretching and heavy lifting.

Mentally the whole surgery was hard work. I was very open with the medical staff about my DID and it seems to have been the right thing for me to do. I wanted to keep my teddy with me for as long as possible going into to operation and then to have it with me in recovery. I asked the surgeon if this was possible and why, she was very understanding. When the anesthetist came to talk to me before the op, I again explained my situation and that I was very scared, and he was great. He spoke to me very kindly and even engaged me in conversation about my bear and how often I needed him. I don't remember being in recovery, so I didn't have to worry about that. I just remember waking up in my room.
I had a private room which are apparently kept for patients with higher needs. Physically I didn't have higher needs but I wonder if my DID helped me to get the room. It was much easier having the room to myself. It gave me a chance to have time alone and as I didn't sleep well at night, I could watch TV and talk to my alters without disturbing other patients. All in all a positive experience.

I did meet 3 new alters in the hospital and learned quite a bit more about myself and some of the trauma I have been through. I was born with a cleft lip, so had operations to fix it at 6mths, 18mths and 3years old. I am now aware that there was a level of trauma associated with these procedures. It explains why I have such a fear of surgery and recovery. I have a very young alter "Baby", who is very very scared of the whole process. Now that I know she is afraid because of that previous operations, I am hoping to be able to work with her to feel more comfortable.
It is always an educational adventure having DID. Learning what has happened, how it has affected me, and how the human brain will work to protect me from the trauma. I have felt rather positive lately about it all. Probably because I haven't delved too deeply into therapy and have had time to recover and relax.
I have been in the process of applying for a Disability Support pension over the last few months. Most of the people who know me would say I am functioning pretty well, and generally I guess I do. What I have noticed since I stopped working is that I am really coping, not just looking like I am coping. My Alters are much more settled and I don't hear the constant reminders that "I am not listening to them". I think it is because I now have time to stop and listen to what they are saying and the flexibility to change my plans if I need to accommodate their needs.
I was reminded the other day how hard I used to find it going to work. I had to be up and moving to get my son to school and sort out some stuff for him. One of my alters was trying to talk to me while I was lying in bed. My son came in to tell me it was time to get up and moving, without thinking I jumped out of bed and into the shower. Unfortunately my alter wanted more time. It was hours later that I managed to take the time they wanted. In the interim I had very nasty anxiety and voices. I remember going to work many times, having that same feeling and not knowing why or how to deal with it.
The day I got out of hospital I found out I had been accepted to get Disability support pension. It is a great relief. The money itself is not a lot but there are a few discounts that will help us out immensely. I can now relax and get on with healing. It is a big help.
Well, I have chatted on quite a bit today. Don't want my posts to get too long. Please leave a comment from time to time. It is great to hear what you think of what I have posted, or if you have a question you wish to ask me. I really appreciate that so many people from all over the world regularly read my blog. Thank you.