What a day!

What a day yesterday was. I woke up at my usual time in the morning after a pretty good sleep. It was the dream that had me shaken. As I have mentioned before, it is very common for multiples to have their Alters communicate with them through their dreams. I have regularly experienced it and am beginning to find it very useful and interesting. I will spare you the details, but the basic theme of the dream was to explain some of how the abuser's mind worked and how I had reacted to that. While it didn't have a lot of emotions directly attached to it, it was definitely something I would not forget nor let go of easily.
Throughout my day yesterday it was in my mind and I spent most of the day feeling close to tears. It had answered some questions for me but also created some more. There will be plenty to talk about when I see my Therapist tomorrow.

 On top of that, I had troubles with one of my sons who is not making the wisest choices at the moment. I had a very very long week previous to this, trying to get advice on how to deal with his situation. It is one of those nasty ones where he is pretty much grounded from everything until further notice, and he, of course, hates me.
It can take a lot to be stable enough to deal with all this at times. While all my Alters love and accept my boys, not all of them know how to handle a situation that may arise. If things get too heavy and I am having trouble coping, I can (not by choice) switch to Denial who makes the world seem all Roses and Rainbows and truly makes me believe all is fine. Sounds like a nice place to be, and at times it is, but it is not an affective method of parenting. Also not helpful when you have calls to make and people to see. Suddenly all is well and the problem doesn't exist any more. Denial has helped me many times before in just getting through life. When the truth of the abuse comes too close to the surface, she takes over and it becomes merely some strange dream or story I made up, and very quickly and easily forgotten. In reality I should be very grateful for her help. Without her I would never have made it this far. She has made life enjoyable, bearable, manageable. I can believe it is all a bad dream and life really is good and I am truly happy.

To top off my day yesterday, my dog decided to raid the rubbish bin and eat about 6 moldy sandwiches that had been in my sons school bag for at least 3 months. Not a wise move, but then again, when are dogs wise, well mine isn't anyway. Within a few hours she was vomiting and shaking uncontrollably. We drove her down to the nearest emergency pet hospital, where they said she needed to be on a drip over night to help wash the toxins out of her system. They also gave her muscle relaxants to stop the shaking and help her sleep. I picked her up today, paying $850.00 and brought her home. She is totally back to normal and following our chooks around eating their poo. Very gross dog!!

Yesterday was one day I could gladly have lived without, but another day in the life of a multiple.  My plan is to catch up on some sleep tonight. I have Therapy tomorrow and hopefully that will help me to get a better understanding of what my alters were showing me in the dream. It can be scary to face, and it leaves me feeling very raw and exposed. But I have to trust that it is healing and will get better in the end.

Multiples

To those of you who are not multiples, the DID world must seem rather confusing. ( it is confusing for us too) Well her comes some more to confuse you. It is not uncommon for there to be sub groups within a system.
As you know we generally call our group of alters a system or family. I use system. This system can have sub groups which are separated for various reasons and in various ways. If the child suffered trauma over time from different groups of people or in different ways, it is possible for the child to develop different groups of alters to deal with the different dangers they face.
These groups may not be aware of the other groups and there is often no communication between the groups. A multiple can function for years with just one alter being forward, so it is also possible to function for long periods of time with only alter from one group being forward.
 That could mean that if you have a DID friend or family member, and you are getting to know some of their alters, that one day the whole group could switch and you are starting again with another lot. The other alters haven't disappeared, they have just gone away for now and another group of alters are dealing with things for now. Yes it is confusing, and yes it is a lot of work to live with and figure out, but once you get a handle on it, it makes so much more sense. Remember, the idea behind DID is to protect the child/person and keep them functioning as well as possible, and not to be detected. Flexibility is the key.


It is common for multiples to be a bit like chameleons, in that we can often change to suite the environment we are in. I have often arrived at an event and stood there totally lost because I don't know who to be. For non multiples you would probably say "just be your self" but for multiples there are many 'selves' we can be and it is not always easy to find the right one to be out at the right time.

Jaycee Dugard

Just wanted to let everyone know I am feeling much better now. It has taken a bit of work and with a few tears but we are getting there. As is the  way with parenting, the job is never over and you spend the rest of their lives worrying about them. At least for now the crisis period is passing and I can breath again. Yay!

I found a book the other day that I have been wanting to read for a while. It is called "A Stolen life" by Jaycee Dugard.
Jaycee is the woman who at 11years old was abducted and held captive for nearly 20years. She has had 2 children to her abuser Phillip Garrido. He is now in prison. Her story is an honest and open depiction of what she suffered at the hands of a very sick individual, yet it is so hopeful and inspiring. Something that really touched me in her book is a bit about hate.

"In my heart I do not hate Phillip. I don't believe in hate. To me it wastes too much time. People who hate waste so much of their life hating that they miss out on all the other stuff out there. I do not choose to live my life that way. What is done is done. I am looking to the future. For the first time in a long time I get to look to the future instead of the present. I have lived one day to next never daring to look ahead. I never knew what was going to happen. If all of my heart was filled up with hate and regrets and what ifs, then what else would it have room for? I wont say every day has been glorious and wonderful, but even on the bad fays I can still say one thing -I am free...free to be the person I want to be...free to say I have my family and now new friends...I have nothing to feel ashamed about. I am strong and want to continue writing my story......"

As a survivor of abuse it is so easy to hate those who hurt me. I can not say that I am as well healed as Jaycee is yet, but she truly inspires me to try. My favourite part is where she says .."I have nothing to feel ashamed about. I am strong and want to continue writing my story......" I hold on to these words, they give me strength.
Thanks you Jaycee for writing your story, is inspiring.

I highly recommend reading it if you can. There is mention of some of what she went through and I know that can be triggering for some. Please feel free to contact me if you want any further details.
On the road to healing!