In my last post this question stuck out to me. What happened to me?
I would like to live in the world that says it was not that bad and that most of the people around me obviously treated me well. I would like to believe that my childhood, while far from good, was nothing so severe I had to forget. I would like to think a lot of things about then...but I cant.
Just by the fact that my mind needed to split to survive says there were many things that happened back then that I can not make light of. At least one person in my life had such a negative affect in my life that I needed/need to escape in a major way, and to top it off, those who I needed to be there for me, weren't.
What happened back there? I want to know, but I don't. My alters say I am not ready to know yet. Are they right or is it just protection, something they were designed to do from their birth.
Imagine being lost in a mind that doesn't make sense and you don't understand. In its attempt to protect you it feels like it is driving you mad.
One day at a time people say, but sometimes that one day can take so long, especially when you know you are nowhere near the end of getting to the bottom of this, and the worst is yet to come.
I am tired, every day , I am tired.
08 May, 2011
DDNOS
OK, time to explain my last post. I included information in my last post about DD NOS, which is Dissociative disorder not otherwise specified. This disorder is used for those who do not fit into the other types of dissociative disorders.
There are several dissociative disorders and it may be worth a Google if you are curious as to what they are. To be considered some one with DID, you must have a very specific collection of symptoms. If these cannot be found then often DD NOS is diagnosed instead. I included this in my blog as my Psych was considering if I would have DD NOS instead of DID.
It is always hard to get a definitive diagnosis especially in the early days of therapy so it is not uncommon to toss between two or more until the symptoms become more obvious. For now Elaine is happy to stick with DID as it seems to best fit how I am. Either way at least I know where I am and I head on pretty much the same road to recovery.
It is long and hard and I don't really know if I really want to go there. I have spent most of my life seeing the good in people and trying to see the positive side of life. Will this change when I get a better understanding of what has happened to me?
I cant go back now, it is too late for that, and life is not easy since I started on this journey. I live with almost constant anxiety sometimes so severe i must take medication to get through. The voices in my head have little or no mercy. They expect me to know what they are saying and to act accordingly even when I may have little knowledge of what is going on. As they take over, my moods and behaviour change and I am concerned that one day it will happen in a way I cannot hide.
How can someone be so evil to another human being, a child, that it sends their mind into a totally different place just to survive. The legacy of their actions I carry with me for the rest of my life and so will my children.
Sometimes I feel so alone and so like I have a facade that hides what is really going on inside. I must do this for my children to protect them....I just wish there were times I could let it down and let the world see me, just as I am!
There are several dissociative disorders and it may be worth a Google if you are curious as to what they are. To be considered some one with DID, you must have a very specific collection of symptoms. If these cannot be found then often DD NOS is diagnosed instead. I included this in my blog as my Psych was considering if I would have DD NOS instead of DID.
It is always hard to get a definitive diagnosis especially in the early days of therapy so it is not uncommon to toss between two or more until the symptoms become more obvious. For now Elaine is happy to stick with DID as it seems to best fit how I am. Either way at least I know where I am and I head on pretty much the same road to recovery.
It is long and hard and I don't really know if I really want to go there. I have spent most of my life seeing the good in people and trying to see the positive side of life. Will this change when I get a better understanding of what has happened to me?
I cant go back now, it is too late for that, and life is not easy since I started on this journey. I live with almost constant anxiety sometimes so severe i must take medication to get through. The voices in my head have little or no mercy. They expect me to know what they are saying and to act accordingly even when I may have little knowledge of what is going on. As they take over, my moods and behaviour change and I am concerned that one day it will happen in a way I cannot hide.
How can someone be so evil to another human being, a child, that it sends their mind into a totally different place just to survive. The legacy of their actions I carry with me for the rest of my life and so will my children.
Sometimes I feel so alone and so like I have a facade that hides what is really going on inside. I must do this for my children to protect them....I just wish there were times I could let it down and let the world see me, just as I am!
01 May, 2011
I will explain this later.
People with DD-NOS are frequently highly intelligent with a very strong desire to survive.
DD-NOS is a disorder rather than a mental illness, so people with DD-NOS are usually sane.
DD-NOS only develops in people who suffered severe and ongoing trauma from a young age.
Healing from severe trauma is extremely painful, so people with DD-NOS should not attempt to integrate their parts/divisions until they find a qualified therapist with experience in counseling people who have been severely abused.
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