What am I fighting for now?

I know a lot of time has past since our last post,  we just haven't felt like sharing.  We have felt very betrayed and vulnerable, for various reasons,  so we have not wanted to be open with people.  

The body is 53 now,  our son is 28 and our other son is now our amazing daughter and she is 23. Both very strong amazing people we are so proud of.  They are achieving so much.  Having a multiple as a parent is not easy but they are amazing. We cannot praise their strength enough. They are our heroes. 

But we are struggling.  After a few good years of learning to find some freedom, and enjoying that freedom,  things are changing. 

As more of us spend more time forward and we switch more,  our ability to concentrate decreases.  We can't drive anymore..

Our poor body,  that went through so much so young, is starting to break down.  Our physical health is becoming debilitating.  We have a walking stick,  a walker and a wheelchair, all to help us get around when our body just can't.  We still spend many days in bed because getting up is impossible. We have chronic pain and fatigue.  Each day is a challenge to see what we can get done. 

In the depth of our heart we wonder what we are fighting for.  DID is an incredible coping mechanism, and it made us able to live through literally unspeakable things.  But now we live in a different world, where learning about love and trust is our challenge.  This life now is so hard.  We have the tools to survive incredible trauma but not to get through today.  It's so hard,  for many inside it is to hard and they don't want to come forward to face the life we live now. It's not something we ever thought we would see.  Many people have told us that,  most who have been through what we have, have never made it this far.  They have died way before their 50s. 

We know we are strong.  We know that we can totally fall apart one day,  then get up and start again tomorrow. 

But what are we doing it for.  We haven't enough time left in this life to even get a quarter of they way through healing.  Therapy just isn't getting there.  Every day we spend dealing with some past trauma,  takes more days away from us trying to live a new life.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that,  DID saved our life back then,  but it doesn't help much with now. 

What do we want to do with our life now?  

We want to find our son.  We want time to get to know him and give him all the love we haven't been able to give him.  I guess that's really deep down what we're staying alive for. Please please may we find him before this body gives out.