I just went back and read an old post from 2 years ago. The emotions and deep despair felt back then. We have come so much farther from then. We have seen so much worse since then. What strikes me though, is that we are still here. Still dealing with the anxiety, flashbacks, body memories, pain, nightmares, sleepless nights and helplessness. Some things haven't changed, and maybe wont for a very ling time, but many things have. We are learning to accept the truth of our past, as heartbreaking as it is. We are learning to find a place in our day to day life for it. To find time and space to acknowledge our pain and past . We have put up monuments to remember those we lost. And we are trying very hard to remember that its OK for us to be broken. Its OK for us to need time to mourn that which we could never mourn before. Its OK for us to seek help and support when we need it. Its OK to take time to just be, even when others are working hard around us, we can still rest. Most of all we have learned that Love and hugs and safe kisses can heal so much. Feeling safe in the arms of someone we trust heals so much.
Its hard to fight for yourself after abuse, its hard to believe you are worthy of anything more than what life has already given you. But if you try, one step at a time, you start to see how truly amazing you are for just being alive today. How strong you are for making it through all that mess, and you start to believe that maybe just maybe, you can make it through a few more days.
Love still scares us immensely. We have no idea how to deal with it, but we are learning to accept it. Our brain just hasn't been wired for that, but it is learning. The brain CAN be rewired even at this later stage of life, and it is quite amazing.
20 September, 2017
Therapy
I don't know if we have ever written much about therapy, so here we go. We have been seeing the same therapist for about 5 years now. He has had quite a bit of experience with Multiples before but never with a system as large as ours, or having been through mind control. We have been quite a challenge to him, and I know at times he feels out of his depth. We found a specialist in Canada who is happy to consult with him on our needs and trauma. There is also another Psychiatrist in Australia that he is connecting to, in order to get some assistance. We have recommended several books on the subject which seem to help. He is learning a lot from us as well, and often asks us about how things work inside.
For us the challenge is Trust. It is never an easy thing to do as a survivor, but I think even more so with a man. (for us) It has taken us a LOT of time to feel we can trust him and open up. It is never easy and even after all these years we still don't switch in front of him very much.
With all that said we have come to rely on him immensely. He literally knows our darkest secrets. We have told him what we would NEVER want others to know. Things we have been through, things we have done or been forced to do. Things that still horrify us, and that we do our best to lock away deep inside. The things that we know our friends just couldn't cope with, no matter how willing they are to help. We know that our Therapist is trained in how to deal with, and where to seek help, if he finds it too much. He has at times found what we have told him to be shocking. We can see the look on his face. He admits it is shocking and overwhelming. But he never sensors us. No matter how horrific the truth is, he listens and takes it in.
We have learnt to trust his advice, when he reminds us that we had no choice, we were forced to do these things. He reminds us that even now the actions we take are very normal given how we were raised. He has become more than a trusted friend. He knows us so well. That gives us comfort and reassurance that he is here for us and will help us when things get beyond what we feel we can cope with. He hears our 'craziness' and finds the sanity. He is the stable rock when everything else seems so unstable.
I guess we are writing this today because we cant see our therapist for 4 weeks and haven't seen him for 2 weeks prior to that. He is on personal leave. We do not begrudge him leave as I know his work is exhausting, but it has definitely taken its toll on us so far. When we first found out about his leave we were shocked. It is the longest we have been with out him ever. Then we felt abandoned. So left alone with no explanation as to why he was leaving us. Then we worried about what if he never comes back, what if he is seriously ill and cant return to work. What happens to us then? Will we even be able to find another therapist who will take on a Multiple let alone us. We also worried about how we are going to cope during this time of separation. (I had a feeling we would end up posting on here again...and here we are lol) Our friends have been great, and our partner keeps us as cuddled and comforted as is possible. But we know that the secrets are waiting inside. There was a flashback we had just before we found out about our Therapists leave. We know it was going to be one of those times we were leading into confronting secrets we did not want to face. Dark truths about family members that no one wants to remember. But for now that has been taken back inside until a better time. I don't know when, but I hope it is when we are safely back in Therapy.
This has been a long post, but I guess we needed to get it out. Without someone to hear our truth, we do feel alone. One day at a time.....that's all we have to do.
For us the challenge is Trust. It is never an easy thing to do as a survivor, but I think even more so with a man. (for us) It has taken us a LOT of time to feel we can trust him and open up. It is never easy and even after all these years we still don't switch in front of him very much.
With all that said we have come to rely on him immensely. He literally knows our darkest secrets. We have told him what we would NEVER want others to know. Things we have been through, things we have done or been forced to do. Things that still horrify us, and that we do our best to lock away deep inside. The things that we know our friends just couldn't cope with, no matter how willing they are to help. We know that our Therapist is trained in how to deal with, and where to seek help, if he finds it too much. He has at times found what we have told him to be shocking. We can see the look on his face. He admits it is shocking and overwhelming. But he never sensors us. No matter how horrific the truth is, he listens and takes it in.
We have learnt to trust his advice, when he reminds us that we had no choice, we were forced to do these things. He reminds us that even now the actions we take are very normal given how we were raised. He has become more than a trusted friend. He knows us so well. That gives us comfort and reassurance that he is here for us and will help us when things get beyond what we feel we can cope with. He hears our 'craziness' and finds the sanity. He is the stable rock when everything else seems so unstable.
I guess we are writing this today because we cant see our therapist for 4 weeks and haven't seen him for 2 weeks prior to that. He is on personal leave. We do not begrudge him leave as I know his work is exhausting, but it has definitely taken its toll on us so far. When we first found out about his leave we were shocked. It is the longest we have been with out him ever. Then we felt abandoned. So left alone with no explanation as to why he was leaving us. Then we worried about what if he never comes back, what if he is seriously ill and cant return to work. What happens to us then? Will we even be able to find another therapist who will take on a Multiple let alone us. We also worried about how we are going to cope during this time of separation. (I had a feeling we would end up posting on here again...and here we are lol) Our friends have been great, and our partner keeps us as cuddled and comforted as is possible. But we know that the secrets are waiting inside. There was a flashback we had just before we found out about our Therapists leave. We know it was going to be one of those times we were leading into confronting secrets we did not want to face. Dark truths about family members that no one wants to remember. But for now that has been taken back inside until a better time. I don't know when, but I hope it is when we are safely back in Therapy.
This has been a long post, but I guess we needed to get it out. Without someone to hear our truth, we do feel alone. One day at a time.....that's all we have to do.
31 May, 2017
Dysfunctional
We've been awake for a couple of hours. Lost in our thoughts. Lying here listening to our best friend sleep. We feel so dysfunctional, as if we are too many to make sense of this life. We fake it a lot of the time but the truth is we really dont understand, or feel like we fit in. Our world just seems so different to yours. We are so used to fighting, what do u do when there is no war.
12 May, 2017
The Black dog and the Bear
As mother day approaches we find depression creeping in. We have been working very hard in therapy over the last year, and have been able to pull ourselves away from many of the negative influences in our life. We have been working hard on having fun (as strange as that might sound)
Life has felt so much better. We used to live with almost constant suicidal thoughts. They have been gone for over a year now, and it has been a great feeling to be living with enough hope that we are not constantly suicidal.
Up until a 3 days ago. I had noticed that we were slowly losing enthusiasm for life and lost our energy and interest in things we normally enjoy. We really just wanted to sleep or veg on the couch all day . Three days ago the thoughts of suicide came in like thunder. We were dissociating much more, and we were struggling to take our medication without taking too much. Even after a therapy session, where we had spent the whole time crying, we still had no answers. Our therapist suggested spending a few days with our friends to help us get through until the next session. Fortunately we have some really great people around us at the moment. Our best friend( for the sake of his anonymity we will call him Bear) insisted we stay with him until we were feeling better able to cope. He confiscated our meds and let us have what we needed when we needed it. He kept us busy helping him with work, and he gave us time to be hugged and loved . We didn't have to worry about our life and it stressors. It was like a small vacation at his house for 2 days. By the time we came home yesterday we felt very delicate and emotional. We were so very tired but we felt better. We still don't have access to all our medication, but we feel far less like we would use it improperly anyway. We are by no means better, but I hope that once mother's day has passed in 2 days things, will improve dramatically. We are forever grateful to Bear, His love care and support kept us going. We normally would, at times like these, hide at home, fighting to survive, sacred to move incase the wrong ones came out and did something permanently dangerous. With Bear's help we spent those really hard days actually laughing and living. It's amazing how easy it was with help. This is the first time we have experienced such support, and it is unforgettable. Maybe this is what the outside world refers to as Love,,. ...we are still learning about that. I guess that some people are just born to be a blessing . Bear is one of those people. Thank you also to our other friends who have prayed, and talked to us, and reassured us that we are not alone, your input is greatly appreciated.
Maybe we don't have to be so strong standing on our own...maybe it is ok to be weak and let others help us along the way. It sure feels great when it is there but what happens when you put the walls down and it's not there. That's what scares me.....deep into my soul.
Life has felt so much better. We used to live with almost constant suicidal thoughts. They have been gone for over a year now, and it has been a great feeling to be living with enough hope that we are not constantly suicidal.
Up until a 3 days ago. I had noticed that we were slowly losing enthusiasm for life and lost our energy and interest in things we normally enjoy. We really just wanted to sleep or veg on the couch all day . Three days ago the thoughts of suicide came in like thunder. We were dissociating much more, and we were struggling to take our medication without taking too much. Even after a therapy session, where we had spent the whole time crying, we still had no answers. Our therapist suggested spending a few days with our friends to help us get through until the next session. Fortunately we have some really great people around us at the moment. Our best friend( for the sake of his anonymity we will call him Bear) insisted we stay with him until we were feeling better able to cope. He confiscated our meds and let us have what we needed when we needed it. He kept us busy helping him with work, and he gave us time to be hugged and loved . We didn't have to worry about our life and it stressors. It was like a small vacation at his house for 2 days. By the time we came home yesterday we felt very delicate and emotional. We were so very tired but we felt better. We still don't have access to all our medication, but we feel far less like we would use it improperly anyway. We are by no means better, but I hope that once mother's day has passed in 2 days things, will improve dramatically. We are forever grateful to Bear, His love care and support kept us going. We normally would, at times like these, hide at home, fighting to survive, sacred to move incase the wrong ones came out and did something permanently dangerous. With Bear's help we spent those really hard days actually laughing and living. It's amazing how easy it was with help. This is the first time we have experienced such support, and it is unforgettable. Maybe this is what the outside world refers to as Love,,. ...we are still learning about that. I guess that some people are just born to be a blessing . Bear is one of those people. Thank you also to our other friends who have prayed, and talked to us, and reassured us that we are not alone, your input is greatly appreciated.
Maybe we don't have to be so strong standing on our own...maybe it is ok to be weak and let others help us along the way. It sure feels great when it is there but what happens when you put the walls down and it's not there. That's what scares me.....deep into my soul.
Gender Identity
There is a lot in the press about Transgender people using the 'correct' toilet/bathroom. We have a daughter who is MTF transgender and she has had little problem using her new genders bathroom. She obviously doesn't get questioned much about her gender. As a male she was questioned more as she has had very long hair for years.
We being multiple, can often have a partial understanding of the gender bathroom debate. While out and about the other day we needed to use public toilets. I hadn't realized who was the main person in front of our system, until we went to enter the male toilet. We have never done that before and it took us back a minute. A young man walked out as we were about to enter and it took us by surprise. It seemed the right place to be, but when we considered that other men may be in there we decided we had better head to the woman's toilet, as that is now we were dressed and appeared. Our male alter was less than happy about this and went inside.I guess what I'm saying is the whole argument is not just about Transgender toilet use, this is an issue for many people, multiples included. Unisex toilets would make everything easier in many ways. If you don't agree let me know, I'd love to hear about your experiences with multiplicity and gender identity. I feel we can have a very keen understanding of being in the wrong body for our identifying gender.
We being multiple, can often have a partial understanding of the gender bathroom debate. While out and about the other day we needed to use public toilets. I hadn't realized who was the main person in front of our system, until we went to enter the male toilet. We have never done that before and it took us back a minute. A young man walked out as we were about to enter and it took us by surprise. It seemed the right place to be, but when we considered that other men may be in there we decided we had better head to the woman's toilet, as that is now we were dressed and appeared. Our male alter was less than happy about this and went inside.I guess what I'm saying is the whole argument is not just about Transgender toilet use, this is an issue for many people, multiples included. Unisex toilets would make everything easier in many ways. If you don't agree let me know, I'd love to hear about your experiences with multiplicity and gender identity. I feel we can have a very keen understanding of being in the wrong body for our identifying gender.
30 March, 2017
Not Fair.
Nothing pisses me off more than fighting for each day. Fighting to survive mentally, financially, emotionally, physically. Knowing that while we struggle to just get through a day, our abusers are off planning vacations and enjoying their lives. Fuck you arse holes.
21 January, 2017
Being believed is healing.
That time when you tell someone close to you a bit of what you went through, and they look at you like you are crazy and say "I don't believe in all this memories stuff you keep saying, but I will support you."
That heartbreaking moment when you realise they are humouring you. Their support is great but belief would be better. Being believed is healing. It is someone else saying it is real, and helping you to feel normal. The greatest healing comes from when we can be open about the truth of what happened and be believed.
We don't want to have these memories, we don't want to be making them up either. We don't want to know that our mind is crazy enough to just go making up random and horrific memories about the ones we love, We don't want to be many when we can be one. If we have DID we have it is for a reason. We didn't get it by stubbing our toe on the couch, There had to be serious abuse that happened in childhood or we would never have DID in the first place.
Having DID, and remembering things I never want to believe about family members, who I thought loved me, is heartbreaking. It takes ages to come to terms with. You DO NOT WANT TO BELIEVE IT EITHER. But there it is on your mind. and when your body shows signs of this abuse being real, you begin to wonder if maybe it is. Them comes the earth shattering realization the the people you loved and trusted were the ones who did this to you. That takes weeks, months, years to come to terms with, and you try every explanation you can to try and make it not real. But slowly more evidence comes forward, and slowly you lose more and more hope, that is is all a dream or some confused thought process. Slowly you realise that these memories ARE real, and you did live that life and you are now forever changed. Those people you loved and trusted.....were and are the very same people who hurt you so bad that you now live with DID.
Your sense of trust is broken, your view of the world is shattered. The world is a totally different place now, and always will be . If you can't trust them, who can you trust. Life is never the same again. And those memories you have inside you...they stay forever, they are as much a part of your life as learning to ride a bike.
This is NOT a life I have chosen. This is NOT a life I wanted. Because of these memories I have no family except my remaining children. I have had to leave those people I don't feel safe with in order to heal. Yes it has helped a lot but it comes at a price. A very high price. This is not a game I am playing, this is not a way to get attention. If you want attention break your arm, you get heaps more sympathy and attention for that than you ever will for being a trauma survivor. I want to live a life just like anyone else, have friends, hobbies, laugh, live. I DO NOT want to live with this amount of trauma every day. Why would I choose this life and hold up this charade for so long, to only be shunned. There are no benefits spending years in therapy remembering horrific things. Having your body relive these experiences. You are left a broken person. Even in the off chance you are making up these very sick and disturbing memorise, what is so very wrong with you and your mind that you would do that.
I end this by saying....I just asked Miss 18, my daughter, if she believed my memories were real. She said yes, I asked her why....she said "because I have repressed memories" I knew she did. but just that little piece of validation made me cry. She had no idea what that little affirmation means to me.
It is Real.
That heartbreaking moment when you realise they are humouring you. Their support is great but belief would be better. Being believed is healing. It is someone else saying it is real, and helping you to feel normal. The greatest healing comes from when we can be open about the truth of what happened and be believed.
We don't want to have these memories, we don't want to be making them up either. We don't want to know that our mind is crazy enough to just go making up random and horrific memories about the ones we love, We don't want to be many when we can be one. If we have DID we have it is for a reason. We didn't get it by stubbing our toe on the couch, There had to be serious abuse that happened in childhood or we would never have DID in the first place.
Having DID, and remembering things I never want to believe about family members, who I thought loved me, is heartbreaking. It takes ages to come to terms with. You DO NOT WANT TO BELIEVE IT EITHER. But there it is on your mind. and when your body shows signs of this abuse being real, you begin to wonder if maybe it is. Them comes the earth shattering realization the the people you loved and trusted were the ones who did this to you. That takes weeks, months, years to come to terms with, and you try every explanation you can to try and make it not real. But slowly more evidence comes forward, and slowly you lose more and more hope, that is is all a dream or some confused thought process. Slowly you realise that these memories ARE real, and you did live that life and you are now forever changed. Those people you loved and trusted.....were and are the very same people who hurt you so bad that you now live with DID.
Your sense of trust is broken, your view of the world is shattered. The world is a totally different place now, and always will be . If you can't trust them, who can you trust. Life is never the same again. And those memories you have inside you...they stay forever, they are as much a part of your life as learning to ride a bike.
This is NOT a life I have chosen. This is NOT a life I wanted. Because of these memories I have no family except my remaining children. I have had to leave those people I don't feel safe with in order to heal. Yes it has helped a lot but it comes at a price. A very high price. This is not a game I am playing, this is not a way to get attention. If you want attention break your arm, you get heaps more sympathy and attention for that than you ever will for being a trauma survivor. I want to live a life just like anyone else, have friends, hobbies, laugh, live. I DO NOT want to live with this amount of trauma every day. Why would I choose this life and hold up this charade for so long, to only be shunned. There are no benefits spending years in therapy remembering horrific things. Having your body relive these experiences. You are left a broken person. Even in the off chance you are making up these very sick and disturbing memorise, what is so very wrong with you and your mind that you would do that.
I end this by saying....I just asked Miss 18, my daughter, if she believed my memories were real. She said yes, I asked her why....she said "because I have repressed memories" I knew she did. but just that little piece of validation made me cry. She had no idea what that little affirmation means to me.
It is Real.
15 January, 2017
Newton's Third Law!
Newton's third law is: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
She is very understanding and supportive, something for which we are eternally
grateful. We have a wonderful treasure in her.
Looking back on the last 2 weeks I can see why we have hit the wall, so to
speak. We have had several flashbacks and triggers into deep things, like the
death of Babies we had in our teens. We have had our period this week too,
and without going into too much detail, it has been very heavy and highly
triggering. To the point we went to our GP to get medication to stop it or at the
very least slow it down. Thankfully we could, and now have a way to keep it
manageable and hopefully a lot less triggering each month.
We have also had trouble dealing with matters of the heart. Never an easy one
for anyone. Made much more complex with the many of us involved.
We had to use a far whack of our medication to help sedate us and make us
sleep, but we made it. We haven't slept at all well the last couple of weeks and
that is not going to help matters at all. We feel a little better after getting a bit
more sleep lastnight.
Today I think we will spend having a self care day doing things we enjoy, and
slowly come to terms with the things that have been brought us this week.
We miss our babies so much, and just want to hold them. The realization that
our daughter may have lived longer in the group than we first thought has been
heartbreaking. To die young is better in these groups. The longer you live the
more abuse you go through, especially as a girl.
We have also been opening up a lot more with our therapist. This is great, but
it sets off triggers and programs inside to try to stop us. These can include self
harm. So i guess that was a really big factor too.
This feels like a very very hard life at the moment, and I'm not really sure how
we are doing it. One bonus that did come from last night, was that we weren't
suicidal.We have been that way for many years, but the changes we have
made in our lifestyle over the last few months has decreased that dramatically.
Even with all the triggers and everything we went through this week, we didn't
want to end it.That is a MAJOR ACHIEVEMENT.
We will just keep fighting, one day at a time. That's all we have left to do.
Thanks for reading.
www.physicsclassroom.com/class/newtlaws/Lesson-4/Newton-s-Third-Law
It feel like this in life too. Days of feeling we are getting our life to head in a
productive direction, and there is an equal and opposite reaction. The last two
nights have been hell. Self harm has been up, and last night we were in crisis
mode. We knew we could not be left alone or we would end up in hospital at
the very least with stitches in our body. After calling every friend we knew who
could at the very least understand the concept, we had nowhere to go.
productive direction, and there is an equal and opposite reaction. The last two
nights have been hell. Self harm has been up, and last night we were in crisis
mode. We knew we could not be left alone or we would end up in hospital at
the very least with stitches in our body. After calling every friend we knew who
could at the very least understand the concept, we had nowhere to go.
No safe place to hide for the night. In the end we were forced to stay home and
depend on our daughter, Miss18. She has done this sort of thing before with
friends, but never for us. We HATE having to be the one she looks after. We
don't like putting that sort of pressure on her. She has many other things she
is trying to deal with. In the end she handled it very well.
depend on our daughter, Miss18. She has done this sort of thing before with
friends, but never for us. We HATE having to be the one she looks after. We
don't like putting that sort of pressure on her. She has many other things she
is trying to deal with. In the end she handled it very well.
She is very understanding and supportive, something for which we are eternally
grateful. We have a wonderful treasure in her.
Looking back on the last 2 weeks I can see why we have hit the wall, so to
speak. We have had several flashbacks and triggers into deep things, like the
death of Babies we had in our teens. We have had our period this week too,
and without going into too much detail, it has been very heavy and highly
triggering. To the point we went to our GP to get medication to stop it or at the
very least slow it down. Thankfully we could, and now have a way to keep it
manageable and hopefully a lot less triggering each month.
We have also had trouble dealing with matters of the heart. Never an easy one
for anyone. Made much more complex with the many of us involved.
We had to use a far whack of our medication to help sedate us and make us
sleep, but we made it. We haven't slept at all well the last couple of weeks and
that is not going to help matters at all. We feel a little better after getting a bit
more sleep lastnight.
Today I think we will spend having a self care day doing things we enjoy, and
slowly come to terms with the things that have been brought us this week.
We miss our babies so much, and just want to hold them. The realization that
our daughter may have lived longer in the group than we first thought has been
heartbreaking. To die young is better in these groups. The longer you live the
more abuse you go through, especially as a girl.
We have also been opening up a lot more with our therapist. This is great, but
it sets off triggers and programs inside to try to stop us. These can include self
harm. So i guess that was a really big factor too.
This feels like a very very hard life at the moment, and I'm not really sure how
we are doing it. One bonus that did come from last night, was that we weren't
suicidal.We have been that way for many years, but the changes we have
made in our lifestyle over the last few months has decreased that dramatically.
Even with all the triggers and everything we went through this week, we didn't
want to end it.That is a MAJOR ACHIEVEMENT.
We will just keep fighting, one day at a time. That's all we have left to do.
Thanks for reading.
08 January, 2017
Love
One of the greatest questions or problems we face as a multiple is Do we deserve Love?
As an outsider you may say "of course you do, everyone deserves love and you have been through so much, you especially deserve love." Good in theory, but in practice it is so much more complicated than that.
You learn to love and be loved as you are growing up in what is theoretically, a loving caring family environment. Or at the least, with one die hard parent, aunt or grandparent, who is determined to show you Love when no one else does.
But what happens when you grow up in an environment where you are taught shame, disgust, sex, abuse, rape and torture. Where love is portrayed as nothing like what love really is. What if as a 3 year old you are told that by a man having sex with you, that is love. Or by being beaten because you didn't listen, that was love. When you hurt yourself there were no hugs and kisses to make it better. but instead you were told you were never good enough.
It doesn't take long to understand that a child, or anyone really, in this environment would believe that they don't deserve love. That they were one of those people who are too bad or evil to ever be allowed to be loved. Yet their deepest ache and longing, is that maybe just maybe, someone could love them anyway.
As adults trying to heal, we must confront this awful thought. Are we truly loveable. As a singleton survivor of abuse that is a hard thing to overcome. When you add multiplicity it becomes even harder. Multiples are seen as freaks, and anomalies. That's if we are believed at all. If the Psychiatric community can't decide if we exist or not, and then if we do, how to treat us, how does the layman stand a chance. Strangely enough, better than most professionals. When by our very existence we feel broken and rejected people, it is hard to argue in favour of loving us, even though that may be our greatest desire.
We see love everywhere around us, from small children being loved by their parents, to old couples who have been together for 60 years. But can we do that, can we have that.
We have been watching so many multiples around us and the lives they have. It appears to me that people can know who we are and still love us. It is not about how many of us there are, but more about how we present as people. Do we generally come off as caring loving individuals or strange moody people. Can others see in us a strength and love, or do they see the chaos. Chaos is part of multiplicity I find in many ways, but we don't need to take it out on others.
Our system is what most would refer to as high functioning. We have survived in society pretty well unnoticed, raising two children as a single parent for many years. We are financially capable, friendly, organised, tidy and generally show little external signs of what lies beneath. When we look at our day to day lives , we see that we are really not that horrible.
I guess what I am trying to get to is that maybe, just maybe, we can be known AND loved, it's not within the realms of science fiction, but a very real possibility. It's going to take a very special person themselves to be able to love us. But I have seen enough of people out there to know that there are people like that out there. Maybe just maybe we can find someone who can love us how we so desperately need to be loved. A glimmer of hope in what seems a hopeless situation.
We are trying to stop seeing ourselves as broken hopeless people, but instead as amazingly strong people who survived so much and are still fighting today. We shouldn't hide, we should be proud of the strength we have together and the wonderful things that can be achieved. We have fought longer and harder to survive than most, and we shouldn't be ashamed. We have value! And so do you!
02 January, 2017
New Year.
With Christmas and New Years over, we have finally slept again without medication. Quite a pleasant achievement. While inside we were a mess for Christmas, outside we had one of the best christmases we have had in a very long time. We spent it with our children and friends. Probably too much alcohol, but it helped us relax and enjoy the fun.
This year we are trying to head back to part time work. Only as far as our head and recovering wrist can manage, but we will give it a try. Having some spare spending money would be very nice.
At the end of last year we hit a break through with our therapist, in that we finally were able to switch in front of him. It was awesome, and while that was happening I got to see a bit of the kaos that was happening inside. We are hopeful that we will be able to continue with this and improving throughout this year. Now he has a chance to talk directly to those inside, it will make a lot of difference to our ability to heal.
I hope that you can all find a reason for hope in this year, no matter how small it is. Hope is the key.
Thanks you for reading our posts, we are grateful to have people out there who are interested in how we are going and what
we are doing. Take care.
This year we are trying to head back to part time work. Only as far as our head and recovering wrist can manage, but we will give it a try. Having some spare spending money would be very nice.
At the end of last year we hit a break through with our therapist, in that we finally were able to switch in front of him. It was awesome, and while that was happening I got to see a bit of the kaos that was happening inside. We are hopeful that we will be able to continue with this and improving throughout this year. Now he has a chance to talk directly to those inside, it will make a lot of difference to our ability to heal.
I hope that you can all find a reason for hope in this year, no matter how small it is. Hope is the key.
Thanks you for reading our posts, we are grateful to have people out there who are interested in how we are going and what
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