Christmas

Christmas is only two days away and we are scared. Really scared. At the moment we are crying because some inside are so upset.We haven't slept well in over a week maybe 2. This morning our head is a mess and we are feeling overwhelmed. We didn't get to see out therapist this week and that is showing, we really needed it. We are so worried they will come and get us this year. It's hard to feel safe no matter where I am.  I just want to feel safe. We have tried reaching out to friends to hang out with them but everyone is so busy getting ready for Christmas. Fortunately this year we have a good day planned and I hope we will make it through ok.
I feel like we are screaming inside, yelling so loud, but no one can see or hear us. They just see the body and the smile we are so used to putting on our face. I wish someone could see through that to the fear and mess inside.
All this with lack of sleep and financial stress of christmas and things are not going well. We are so anxious we are physically shaking every day no matter how much medication we take. All I want to do today is cry, but I must get things ready for christmas. I really don't like Christmas at all. To many triggers and memories. To many threats they will find us. They already know where we are, how safe can we be?
My poor next door neighbour got questioned last night. He was coming home but had someone drop in as well. Our front door was open to let in the breeze and all this strange noise and movement near our front door made us scared. We went out to check that it was him. This really isn't the best way to live. Every last noise has us alert. I feel we are in a constant state of fight or flight. We want to get far from here and hide, somewhere dark and quiet, where we are safe. But there is no where to go.
We feel so alone. I just hurts.  I feel exhausted.

Diamonds and Hard Work

Some days are diamonds, some days are just hard work. Today has been both.
Today we had the wonderful opportunity to meet another multiple. It was a chance to spend time with someone who know s how it feels to be multiple. We were nervous at first but they are lovely and we got on like a house on fire. We have agreed to meet regularly to chat and share with each other what life is like living with many. Their system is very different to ours in how it all works, but I'm hoping that we have enough in common that we can still remain friends.
Leaving the meeting we were on a high. We wanted to head to the shops to get some stuff for christmas. While there we ran into our ex girlfriend and fellow multiple. Her system had changed so much she didn't remember us, yet she knew she knew us somehow. We talked for a bit until it got too much for us and we had to leave. Even standing in the shop we were crying, it was only the beginning of the tears that flowed today. So many feelings came back, it was heartbreaking to see her again. The love we felt for her has never really left, just moved to a different place inside. It was very hard to walk away but at the same time, it was the only choice we had. The relationship had not ended well. The rest of our day has been spent with tears and resting.
Seeing her reminded us of how vulnerable we still are and how easy it is for someone to find us if they want to. We were reminded of the times we had with her and the things that went wrong. It's been one of those days when we have wondered if this life is just too hard, but we've made it through another day and we are hoping things will be better tomorrow.
We are still learning the wonders of having fun and just getting out and doing crazy things, like a sunset swim at our local nudist beach with a friend. A great time and a reminder there is still beauty in the world. For us it does take an effort to find it, but we are trying.....and I guess that's the best we can do.