The Amish Life.

I was just watching a show on tv about the Amish people and their lifestyle. I remember as a young person in my 20's wishing i could be Amish. I liked the strict lifestyle. The strict rules on how to live and behave. What to believe. In a way it reminded me of how we were raised, being told what to do. Life in the world meant making decisions for ourselves. Decisions we were not taught to make. I wanted to go back to the life were decisions were made for me, even if the result was a beating for disobedience. At least i knew where the boundaries were and there was some security in that. There was a clear right and wrong and you knew very clearly when you had crossed a line. It has taken many years for us to get used to living in the world where the decisions are ours. It has been a tough lesson to learn.

Can You See Me?

Can anyone see me? I sit here in a waiting room. I ride the bus, i walk the shops. Some people smile, others just walk on by. No one can see me. No one can see who i truly am. No one wants to see. I'm invisible. Inside this body you see, we are screaming. Screaming to be seem, to be heard or even just noticed. We scream, wave our arms, jump around. But nobody seems to see a thing. Another day invisible!

No Words

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Feeling Cursed

Feeling cursed today. Feeling that we will always have to fight for the things others take for granted. Do you know that our parents never used to say 'i love you' . It wasn't until one year we decided we would say it to them first that they started. But we had to make them. We don't even see them now. Nor our sister. She never said it either. There are some people in our lives like our sons that will say it if we say it first. But again we initiate it. It never comes freely without expectation. Are we to hard to love. Were 'they' right, that we don't deserve love? DID is a blessing and a curse. It kept us alive thru hell but now we don't know how to live. We feel empty and alone. Cursed to wander this earth never feeling safe or loved or truly wanted and never understanding what we did wrong to get here. I don't see a solution. Just a cursed life.

Where Are The Avengers?

I feel unavenged. I can't take my abusers to court because being DID they don't believe my testimony. I can't name names because i can be sued for slander. I can't get revenge because i will get caught and end up in prison. People say that healing and living a happy life is the best revenge, but i don't buy it. Seems to me they can get away with some of the worst atrocities known to man, and we live with the result. Forever. Others say that vengeance is the Lord's, but i don't see that either. I can't even say i see Karma. What is there. Seriously. ..what is there? Who stands up for the victims and the survivors?

Peace Is Unsettling

When the need to fight everyday to survive subsides, and the stillness of freedom settles in. There is an unease. This is not the life i am used to. It's hard to know how to live a safe and free life. Scary really. ...the pull back to the familiar calls deep inside The desire still there. It will take a while to leave i guess. This peace is unsettling. Where do i go from here.

Relationships and DID ( or should I say the cursed Life)

Relationships are hard for everyone but they are even more difficult for people with DID. We grew up learning about abuse not love. Multiples often have a very distorted view of what love is, they never got taught what it is. Especially if you are talking about high end multiples who have survived ritual abuse. The whole idea is to keep the child away from a loving relationship so they only ever learn to trust those who should never be trusted.
That need for love is one of our basic necessities of life, and most will do their best to find it in any way they can, even if it turns out to not be love at all. We have struggled to hold down many relationships long term. Just the fact that there are so many of us makes it hard. We strike up a friendship with someone and then in a few weeks/months we are a different group of people who just want to be left alone and don't want to be around these new people.
In many cases survivors have left abusive families for their safety. This can lead to great freedom and healing, but it can also lead to great loneliness. Some days I feel like this is a cursed life. We will never really be understood or understand.
Christmas is coming and while everyone is getting excited, we dread that day when we are reminded that we have no family and why we have no family. I hate it.
It really does feel like a cursed life, 3 steps forward and 5 steps back. We don't ever seem to get ahead.
It shakes my faith. Some of us will always believe and have faith but for many we are in doubt of the goodness out there, how can God exist yet we feel so very alone and without even his support.