Another Night Trying Not To Sleep.

It's been going on for over a month now.  It's past midnight and we are still wide awake.  Somewhere inside we are tired but I can't feel it.  We busy ourselves, stalling, because we just don't want to sleep.  We spent a week only able to sleep on the couch watching tv. But that takes its toll on our neck and back.  
We figured out how to make or bed feel like a couch by sleeping on it sideways with or back against the headboard.  It's better than the couch but still not perfect. It's the only way to get there.  Lay on the bed normally, panic sets in. We have tried alcohol but it does little to calm us. 
We now manage by taking sleeping tablets and anti anxiety medication every night if we want to sleep.  It is the only way.  I don't remember how to fall asleep without them. I'm getting concerned.  I don't want to become addicted but we have to sleep.  I hope all this will settle down once we get past Christmas. Only 5 more nights of torture to go. We used to love sleep, it was our way to escape, now we try to escape from sleep. 

The Amish Life.

I was just watching a show on tv about the Amish people and their lifestyle. I remember as a young person in my 20's wishing i could be Amish. I liked the strict lifestyle. The strict rules on how to live and behave. What to believe. In a way it reminded me of how we were raised, being told what to do. Life in the world meant making decisions for ourselves. Decisions we were not taught to make. I wanted to go back to the life were decisions were made for me, even if the result was a beating for disobedience. At least i knew where the boundaries were and there was some security in that. There was a clear right and wrong and you knew very clearly when you had crossed a line. It has taken many years for us to get used to living in the world where the decisions are ours. It has been a tough lesson to learn.

Can You See Me?

Can anyone see me? I sit here in a waiting room. I ride the bus, i walk the shops. Some people smile, others just walk on by. No one can see me. No one can see who i truly am. No one wants to see. I'm invisible. Inside this body you see, we are screaming. Screaming to be seem, to be heard or even just noticed. We scream, wave our arms, jump around. But nobody seems to see a thing. Another day invisible!

No Words

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Feeling Cursed

Feeling cursed today. Feeling that we will always have to fight for the things others take for granted. Do you know that our parents never used to say 'i love you' . It wasn't until one year we decided we would say it to them first that they started. But we had to make them. We don't even see them now. Nor our sister. She never said it either. There are some people in our lives like our sons that will say it if we say it first. But again we initiate it. It never comes freely without expectation. Are we to hard to love. Were 'they' right, that we don't deserve love? DID is a blessing and a curse. It kept us alive thru hell but now we don't know how to live. We feel empty and alone. Cursed to wander this earth never feeling safe or loved or truly wanted and never understanding what we did wrong to get here. I don't see a solution. Just a cursed life.

Where Are The Avengers?

I feel unavenged. I can't take my abusers to court because being DID they don't believe my testimony. I can't name names because i can be sued for slander. I can't get revenge because i will get caught and end up in prison. People say that healing and living a happy life is the best revenge, but i don't buy it. Seems to me they can get away with some of the worst atrocities known to man, and we live with the result. Forever. Others say that vengeance is the Lord's, but i don't see that either. I can't even say i see Karma. What is there. Seriously. ..what is there? Who stands up for the victims and the survivors?

Peace Is Unsettling

When the need to fight everyday to survive subsides, and the stillness of freedom settles in. There is an unease. This is not the life i am used to. It's hard to know how to live a safe and free life. Scary really. ...the pull back to the familiar calls deep inside The desire still there. It will take a while to leave i guess. This peace is unsettling. Where do i go from here.

Relationships and DID ( or should I say the cursed Life)

Relationships are hard for everyone but they are even more difficult for people with DID. We grew up learning about abuse not love. Multiples often have a very distorted view of what love is, they never got taught what it is. Especially if you are talking about high end multiples who have survived ritual abuse. The whole idea is to keep the child away from a loving relationship so they only ever learn to trust those who should never be trusted.
That need for love is one of our basic necessities of life, and most will do their best to find it in any way they can, even if it turns out to not be love at all. We have struggled to hold down many relationships long term. Just the fact that there are so many of us makes it hard. We strike up a friendship with someone and then in a few weeks/months we are a different group of people who just want to be left alone and don't want to be around these new people.
In many cases survivors have left abusive families for their safety. This can lead to great freedom and healing, but it can also lead to great loneliness. Some days I feel like this is a cursed life. We will never really be understood or understand.
Christmas is coming and while everyone is getting excited, we dread that day when we are reminded that we have no family and why we have no family. I hate it.
It really does feel like a cursed life, 3 steps forward and 5 steps back. We don't ever seem to get ahead.
It shakes my faith. Some of us will always believe and have faith but for many we are in doubt of the goodness out there, how can God exist yet we feel so very alone and without even his support.

No One Can Love Me!

No one can love me! Those words brought peace to our system today. Acceptance brings relief. Once you know you are unlovable there is no need to fight. No need to look for love. It won't come, you don't deserve it. It's over. There is no love for you in this world. It is a hard world and so few people care and even fewer really see or care. Unconditional love and acceptance regardless of what we do, has never been our lot. I'm tired of fighting. Fighting to feel love. Fighting to give love and show others that they count. Fighting to be someone i feel i am not. Maybe it is just not our lot in this life. Maybe we were never born for this. Maybe we unable to be loved, somehow cursed. Cursed to watch it, and give it, but never really feel it. Would we know what it felt like anyway? I think we would, because it would be different to everything else we have known. But maybe it is not our way. Maybe it is not for the dammed, those lost before birth into a world they will never escape. Maybe we can just wish and hope and long, for that which we will never obtain. It's easier to think we are unlovable than to accept that someone could love us but never truly has. But deep deep down, there is a small quiet desperate voice that says,..............'can you love me? '

Get Away

I want to scream so loud at people today. I want to scream and yell at the ones who made me this way. Life never makes sense, we take one step forward and 5 steps back. It's too fucking hard. We have just found out there is no one in this whole country who can help us with our level of abuse. There are millions of people out there like us and no one who can help. There are also millions of abusers out there, still doing their shit to people and no one who can deal with it all. Today feels hopeless. I just want to run away and get away from it all, but no matter where i go i can never get away from us and the truth.

Danny and Me!

Hi my name is Daniel, and I like to help people. I like to be a bit like a super hero and swoop in and save people from what they are going through. I don't really get why we have to let people do it for themselves sometimes and I just want to make it better. I just want to fix it. people need me and they need my help. I am 13 and I want to feel safe and for others to be safe too. I want to try so hard to help them. I don't care if I get cold or I don't sleep, that's not important to me. I just want to help and make it better. I am alone and that's OK, but people need me and I need them too. I need to save them so there will be good in the world. There has to be good in the world.

Hi my name is Danny and I am 12, I like to ride bikes and play with cars, I would like to be a mechanic some day. I don't like children or toys they are for little kids and I am a man now. lol hehehehe. I have a personality and I want to be free. But I can't because I am stuck in here where the girls are, and with her ( the body).
I like this face because it is funny.

So Tired

So much has happened lately, its exhausting. Miss 16 has moved out after breaking up with Mr 16. The house seems emptier without her but also calmer. I miss the female company but I know it is easier for my son to get over the relationship this way.
Mr 16 is having mental health challenges himself and we are spending time at the hospital and constantly watching him to make sure he is ok.
Diamonds is fighting her own demons and we worry constantly about how she/they are going. We are exhausted, there seems no escape from this all and we are finding ourselves feeling hopeless. Like life will never change and we will spend the rest of it fighting to survive. We feel so alone. I am tired of this life and really struggling to keep going. We need to work hard to find something we can enjoy. Its not easy. I am so tired.

Purpose

It s been so long since I have been on here. Life is so busy. About 8 months ago Mr 16's girlfriend came to live with us. Miss 15 ( as she was then) was kicked out of an abusive home and needed somewhere to stay. After unsuccessfully trying to find her other housing options we decided she could stay with us. It has been a crazy few months. Adding another member to our household has changed many things. We have moved house ( something we were planning to do anyway but really had to with an extra person in the small house) so glad we did we are much happier in this house. Because Miss 15 had been though so much with her family we quickly got her into counselling. It wasn't too long before it was reveled she is multiple too. Now 16, she is a part of our family. We spend a lot of time driving her to appointments and school, and yes she does need more of our time, but most of all there is a change in us. Before she came we had pretty much decided that our boys really didn't need or want us in their lives that much and we were often feeling pretty down and even suicidal. Once Miss 16 moved in we realized she needed us too much for us to leave. She has already lost 2 family members to suicide, we just couldn't do that to her. We had to keep fighting. Unexpectedly though it has made us more content having someone to mother and to care for in this way. We feel needed again. Its busy and stressful, and at times we struggle to get time for ourselves but at the end of the day we have a purpose again.
Having 2 multiples in the house is always interesting, complicated and at times frustrating. Mr 16 copes amazingly well but Mr 21 is not. He is talking of moving out at the end of the year.
Life feels overwhelming most of the time and I am sure we deal with more things in a week than most people would even be able to think about. Some weeks it is just head down bum up and keep going.
But we are still here, and still alive and I guess some days that is enough. I hope you are all doing ok. We miss keeping up with how many of you are reading our blog and we are sorry for the break. We will do our best to keep it up. If you have any questions or things you would like us to talk about please feel free to send them in. Take care.

Can Someone Help Me

Can someone help me? I am feeling at a loss. Life is overwhelming me. Daily i see the pain of others, daily i watch some walking on the edge of the cliff totally unaware of what is about to happen to them. Their safety is about to be shattered and there seems nothing i cab do but to watch them take that step. I despair at my own situation and the past i have known, it is chasing me into the present. I am weary from crying but more than anything i feel so alone in all of this. There is to much pain in this life. I don't know how to continue this was. It hurts.

Feeling Hopeless

When does this insanity end, when will we really be free. Today, no the last few days, just seem too hard. We cant keep going like this. Our stomach is in knots, we cant sleep, and we are constantly worried. All this is triggering us back into our own past. I feel like we are sinking, and I am really not sure we want to fight to get out. It feels too hopeless, like no matter how hard we fight we will get pulled back.

He has found you again. It is time to run.