Back and safe

Back from holidays. It was a good trip, lots and lots of walking and not much sleep. It was an interesting opportunity to work through some of the issues some of our alters have. One in particular is our fear of new places and people. Early on in the trip an alter was very fearful of it not being safe and that we would see the people who hurt us. We asked if anything bad had ever happened to us in this city (as we had not recollection of ever being there we thought we were pretty safe) and we decided that we would consider this more of an adventure than something to be afraid of. Now we are bigger we can defend ourselves much better than we did as a child and we are not going to this place with dangerous people.This eased her fears immensely and we found it much much easier to enjoy the trip, and being surrounded with crowds of strangers all the time.
We had to share a small hotel room with Diamonds, something we were a little nervous about. In the end it all worked out well. We made sure we asked permission, or went into the bathroom, before getting changed. Although we have seen each other naked, it is not acceptable to go barging in on each other without notice, in case a little was out or they just needed a private moment. We had discussed in quite a bit of detail, before we left, things that might trigger us and ways we may need alone time in a shared room. There was a lot of switching in both our systems so it made for a very interesting time and kept us on our toes making sure we were talking to the right person at the right time.
It was not without its trauma. As the plane was landing in the new city, someone inside brought up some flashbacks from trauma we didn't know had happened. It wasn't really the most convenient time and we did our best to deal with it as we could. Unfortunately we we landing in a new city and trying to navigate the airport. In the end we had to say we would get back to it soon so that we could focus on the outside world. This is always a tricky thing to do as this alter feels safe bringing up their memory now, and I don't like to put them off till later, but we felt there was not many options at this time. We still haven't managed to sort it out but hopefully we will get to it soon.
Now we are home and back into routine life goes on. We are hoping to spend more time walking to places now that we used to. We really enjoyed all the walking. We also enjoyed not having the same thing for breakfast every day. So we are hoping we can keep that up for a while too. See how we go.

Update

Things have settled down a little in our system over the last few days which is a nice change. We are still getting flashbacks but not as many. We are slowly coming to terms with the fact that there are a lot more of us in here than first thought, which is somewhat daunting.
This week we are heading off interstate for a short holiday with Diamonds. Overall it is very exciting, but different alters of course have different feelings about the trip. We have one who is very scared of flying and has already hit the panic button. (we are going to take a mild natural sedative to help her get through the flight) Most of us don't cope very well with such a big change and can feel unsettled for days. Especially as we have never been to this place before so have no idea what to expect or any memories to work with. Diamonds is well travelled and used to live there, so we are going to stick very close to her.
When we are in a crowd setting, we find we need to see the faces of everyone around us. I think this is to see if we know them and if they are safe. This can also be very exhausting to be on such high alert all the time. We have had to prepare Diamonds that we may need time alone, (even if it is in a public toilet cubicle), for 10 or so minutes, so that we can calm and recenter our selves if it all becomes too overwhelming.
This will be our first time away with Diamonds, and the longest non stop we have spent in each others presence. This too may prove to be a challenge. Lots of communication will be needed to get through it without us falling apart. Diamonds and us are used to the need to communicate well as the success of our relationship depends on constant checking in with each other. It is hard work but worth it and we are pretty much used to it now. Im off to get some work done, will hopefully have some pictures to share from the trip when we get back.

Stop child abuse.

People are fascinated with DID. It amazes many people to see the ability of the mind to separate into so many pieces. What most people forget is that it is cased by some thing. We use the word trauma and abuse. Not all DID is caused by abuse, some is caused by trauma. Most of what I have seen is by abuse though.
I just want to ask at this time that when you think of some one with DID and find yourself fascinated by their disorder, that you take a minute to consider what got them there. All those things you do not want to think or speak of to others. All those horrors of mankind. Please take time to acknowledge that they are real and that this person has seen many of them. Please take a minute to think of all the things we don't want to know about DID. Maybe with time if we can face the truth about the causes of DID we will be able to prevent it from being any child's reality. Stop Child abuse. A child's life is precious and you are killing them. We can all make a difference.

Sleeping troubles already.

We were told a few days ago that our father would be in our city for a business conference in 3 Weeks. The sleeping problems have already started. We have had trouble sleeping every night since we found out. Last night the dreams started. We dreamt we were trying to turn him in to the police, but they sent 2 female cops over, and all that happened was he kept smooth talking them and getting them to like him. They wouldn't believe us. If anything they were going to arrest us for being a nusence. He smooth talked his way out of everything and in the meantime kept on touching me to keep taunting me and proving he was better than me, and he would never get caught. I felt so angry and powerless.

Frustrated

So frustrated, so little research has been done in the area of DID that it is near impossible to get answers for the questions we have. Shrinks know next to nothing and the only way to know anything is to talk to other multiples. That's all very well and good until what you need to talk about is far beyond what they have experienced and is immensely triggering and traumatising for them. Tired of having to keep my mouth shut, but who the hell do we talk too?

Inner Pain

So much going on inside at the moment. Externally we carry a smiling face and happy continence, but inside, so much pain screaming to be heard. Our ability to cover and get through has been so strong for so long that even we believe it. More and more we feel the internal restlessness and anguish as parts of us try to be heard. Flashbacks, images fly threw our head, messages from those inside, trying to show the truth. Trying to put the images together is like trying to do a jigsaw puzzle without all the pieces and without a clue how the final thing should look.
There is an element of excitement that at least we are finally getting to the reasons, the truth, but we feel lost, not knowing what to do with it. Can we find justice? Can the guilty be charged or are we too far gone for that. We have heard that Multiples are not good witnesses in court, because of their dissorder. How than can they ever be brought to justice if our word can not be trusted. There is  a sence of hopelessness but then again hope, maybe in the future we will find a way to make them face what they have done.

*****HIghly Tirggering******* Blood stained tears.

Please do not read this if you are triggered by blood or abuse. We do not usually put this sort if thing on this blog but we feel it needs to come out, and this is one of the few voices we have. We do not intend to harm anyone, so please read on with extreme caution.

Is there any hope for us, do we live in a world too broken to be mended. So much has been taken. We have been stripped of who we were. Our lives have been made many. We have been beaten, raped, abused and tortured. We have seen death of a friend right before our eyes. We have fought to get away from the encroaching blood. We have wished we were dead yet fought with all we have to stay alive. We have learnt their ways and even adopted their beliefs, so that we may live to see another day. They have tried to mask our screams so that others will not hear. They have threatened us with death more times than not, just to keep us silent. They have taken from us our youth, and even now our life. We are what they made us, broken, lost and fragile people. They have stripped us of our hope, our courage and our dignity. We are not people; we do not live like people do. We hide from shadows; we scream in pain, we live the nightmare even when we are wide awake. Relief is only temporary. A smile, a ‘good’ day, a sense of hope, these things are all to be cherished. They can be so few and gone so quickly. Underneath there are tears. Blood stained tears. And the pain, always the pain. It never ends.  There is never rest from its constant presence. Those that let us down, where were they when we needed them. Didn’t they hear, didn’t they see what was happening. And now they offer their help…”what can I do” they say.” Just let me know how I can help”. Take me back to then, and make it stop. See MY world, not yours. Look beyond what you want to know. See the pain and torment in my eyes. We were dying then. They were killing us and you didn’t even know. NO one was with us as much as you and yet you couldn’t see…or was it wouldn’t see? Take us back, to when it all began. Stand up for us and who we were. You know if you had helped us back then….we may not have been many, indeed we may have only ever been one. But you didn’t. You didn’t see us or want to know who we were. We can’t face you now. You seem so empty, your promises so fake. What do you know of love and hope and healing? Do you see our eyes now, do you see our pain? I don’t think so; I don’t think you have time. We needed you and you let us down, we need you now and you still cannot hear us. There is no hope here. We still only have each other to lean on. We can only depend on those inside us, the ones made from all the abuse. The ones that broke off, to take the truth when you wouldn’t see it. Were we ever important to you? Did you ever REALLY want us, or were we just some passing toy. A trophy to show your greatness amongst your followers. Look how we shine polished to the max. They think you are marvellous, you can do so much. But underneath the shine, underneath the gloss and sparkle, is the tarnish and blood of our tears. To this day you just won’t help us. You just can’t let it go. You must uphold your image. We know where we stand, we know we will never be what you want us to be, and you can never accept us any other way. But you need to know that even you are at fault. Do not play the martyr. Do not try to take the blame. There is more on your shoulders than you realise, your hands are drenched in blood. It will never come off. It can’t.

We stand alone, the only ones we can trust. You made us this way. I hope you are proud. We are what you made us. A beautiful, strong, independent, broken mess.

And to the others in this drama, your roles go far beyond all that. We will never be able to show you what you have done. We will never get through to you the damage you have caused. But we know, and others will too. We will tell, and we will keep telling until the day we die. You will not get away with this. This is our life, you tried so very hard to take it, but in the end we proved too strong. We are broken and we are many, but together WE WILL WIN!

They should've behaved better!

I saw this the other day on Facebook and it has really stuck with me. Especially at the moment when we are reliving so much trauma. So often we worry about telling our story and how it will affect those who were part of it. The truth of the matter is, it is still our story, and sometimes it needs to be told for us to heal. If they don't like it they should have behaved better.

Melanie's Story (trigger Warning)

Melanie is one of our Alters. She is 9 years old. She has recently come forward to share her story with us as a group. It has been very hard to hear and quite honestly not something we really want to repeat on here. Ultimately what she went through is one of the reasons we are DID. Melanie is determined not to hold the secret any more so we have done our best, with the help of Diamonds, to put together her story in video form. It doesn't say a lot of what happened, as that is too much to share, but it expresses what she feels needs to be said.
This video is dedicated to Michelle, (a friend of Melanie's) she was 12 years old when she died because of abuse.

About Multiplicity

My dear friend writes the Blog, Holding my Childhood to Ransom, and has a great knowledge of Multiplicity. She has posted on this topic before, and I think I have even linked to it before, but it is due for a review again so here it is.
http://sarahkreece.blogspot.com.au/2012/04/about-multiplicity.html

Enjoy