Russia

I have been keeping an eye on where everyone in the world is reading my blog from. One thing that amazes me is that one if the countries with the highest views on my Blog is Russia. To all my Russian followers and readers, I just want to say a special HI and thanks. It makes me happy to see people so far away care what I have to say. Thanks again.

Healing?

What a week, sometimes I wonder how we get through just remembering what we lived through. It has been a really tough one. There are so many things that seem impossible to imagine ever happening, but they do. I look at the memories my alters are carrying and honestly wonder how they do it. No adult should have to even think about it let alone live it. Definitely not a child. I find myself questioning so many things in my life, even my religion. I wonder if we were ever safe. I hear about what others have been though too. Some of it is horrific too, some are still in such close contact with the ones who caused all this. I have never been so angry. Who are these people, how do they do this. I am tired of trauma, I am tired of every day involving trauma. Please tell me it will stop, it has to right?

If her tears were stars

Came across this today from a facebook site I am on. Really like it. It says so much we can't verbalize.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HojUPCqH0cQ&feature=youtu.be
I cant get it to show on here but please check out the link and see it.
This is the facebook page if you are thinking of having a look, I hope it helps you too.

Child Sexual Abuse Survivors Network (A Safe Place To Tell)

I am many

We wrote this  in January 2011 just before we started seeing our first Psychologist and before we were diagnosed with DID. We have posted it on here before but here it is again.

I am many.

By Lonnie.

As I stand before you, you see a 42 year old woman, mother of 2, stepmother to 3, and wife. But what you can’t see is who I really am.

You see only the outside, the front we put on for you, the way we survive. The way we function. You see us as one functioning human being, we know us as many.

 Many, trying to coexist in a body and mind that fights to leave us behind. We speak trying to be heard but you cannot hear us. 

Our life is not full, we live in part, and some do not live at all. We are shadows that persist even in the dark. She fights to make us silent but we cannot let her go, she is us and we are her.

We are many but you see only a few. Only those who can come forward and be present will show you their thoughts, but some are never known and only mumble quietly in the dark. They are not welcome to come forward, maybe they cannot be controlled. Maybe they are too scared. We cannot say.  

We hold many secrets, too many to tell. Our life is often broken, and we never feel safe, even with those who love us. Life is hard, sometimes too hard for us, so we hide.

We want to be heard but no one can hear us. We want to be seen, but we have only one face.

 How will you know it is me, if I don’t appear? How can we trust you? How will we know when we are safe? Will the hurting stop and the pain subside?

I am troubled.  When will I be free?

I am many.

  January 2011

Nightmare research

We don't experience many nightmares with our DID but I know that many do. I found this interesting and thought it may be helpful to some.

CPAP therapy reduces nightmares in veterans with PTSD and sleep apnea

• Mental health and Psychiatry news • Jul 08, 2013

Read more: CPAP therapy reduces nightmares in veterans with PTSD and sleep apnea -Mental health and Psychiatry news- http://www.health.am/psy/more/cpap-therapy-reduces-nightmares-in-veterans/#ixzz2ZANwBiX7

PTSD

Here is some more research that I thought was interesting:

 Abused Children May Get Unique Form of PTSD

Read more: http://healthland.time.com/2013/04/30/abused-children-may-get-different-form-of-ptsd/#ixzz2ZAMSAD8E

Truth

One of the hardest things we go though is to see some one we care about in pain. It is hard to hear them cry and know there is little you can do than offer a shoulder for their tears. Being multiple doesn't change that. We are involved, every day, with those who have seen the worst of people in this world. To presume it is over and in their past is naive. This pain and trauma is with them every day they draw breathe. They are, brave, strong and resilient, and will hide their tears behind the most genuine of smiles. When you see them smile and get on with their day, do not presume all is well. Do not presume they are over the pain. They mask it well, their survival has depended on it. But be warned, be sure you are ready for the answer before you ask for the truth. The truth is not painted in pretty colours, there are no rainbows or unicorns. The truth is the ugliness we all try to hide. It is that which we don't want to even think about. It is the skeletons in our closets we want no one to see. It is the darkest thoughts in the middle of the night that we hope God cant even hear. It is all of that and more. Before you open the cupboard be sure you really want to see its contents. It may be harder than you think to take and once you have seen it, you will never be the same.
The truth is our enemy, it holds us hostage for years against our will. "Never tell, we must never tell."
"No one will believe you if you told anyway." " Very bad things happen to those who tell, and you don't want that do you?"
The truth is also our greatest ally. Once it is out and we have the weight lifted from our shoulders, we can learn to breathe again.
With truth can come fear, guilt, humility and freedom. Once you have accepted it, you can never go back.

News

New Reaserch on Dissociative disorders:

What if you had a condition no one could name? You try all kinds of medications and treatments, but none of them work. You’re in and out of hospitals and emergency rooms after suicide attempts. Some doctors think you’re a fraud. In a years-long struggle to stay hopeful, you’re lucky if you can stay alive.

That is what it’s like for people with dissociative disorders.

 http://tunews.towson.edu/2013/06/11/professor-leads-groundbreaking-search-for-answers-in-mental-health/

I'm Sorry

I am sorry that all this happened to you.
I am sorry that it hurts so much.
I am sorry, that there seems no way to make it better.
I am sorry that this world continues the attack day after day.
I am sorry that no one seems to hear your scream.
I am sorry that no one seems to care.
I am sorry that there is so much pain so deep.
I am sorry that a laugh and a smile bring only temporary relief.
I am sorry that you have known so much of life's worst in your years.
I am sorry that I cannot promise a brighter future.
I am sorry I am not enough to make it better,
And, I am sorry that some days I make it worse.

This Changes Everything, Lol

This morning we had another appointment with our psychiatrist. It was a good appointment and we discussed quite a bit about our system and its workings. we still have alters who are not happy with living the gay lifestyle and want the heterosexual lifestyle back. We are having to work out a compromise so that as many alters can be happy as possible and no one feels they are not important. All this really deepened our understanding of being multiple. On the drive home someone inside said.."wow, so we are multiple, that changes everything!" With a slight chuckle I replied "we have been multiple for years you have only just found out about it." It really does take time for it to filters down to everyone in the system.

Our World

We forget sometimes about the outside world. Our closest friends are multiple, our girlfriend is multiple, we seem to live in a multiple world. We face Trauma and abuse every day. Everyday we help each other thru, we help those who just can't seem to make it through another day. We rejoice with those who have had a good and happy day. We readily adjust our lives and activities to accommodate the needs of traumatised people. Everyday we are multiple and everyday we are surrounded by multiples. It is easy to forget that most of the population of this city, or any city, doesn't live like we do. There are people out there who go about their lives with no idea of what DID is let alone how to live it. We forget that most of these people haven't had severe trauma to make them DID, and we are but a few who have found each other for support.there is a whole world of people out there who live healthy happy lives. We walk past then every day and we never even notice.

System box

Some one in our system came up with what I think is a pretty awesome idea to keep track of who is in our system. We have done system maps before on a large piece of paper, but they always become messy and confusing. There really isn't much room to write about each individual alter and what they like. Some one in the system suggested using index or note cards for each alter and keeping them in a box for easy reference.

We went to the cheap store and bought a small cardboard box and some stickers. Our littles picked them out and helped put them on the box. From the newsagent we bought the packet of what are officially called 'system cards' (thought that was kind of funny). The cards are lined and have enough room on them to write personal information about each alter. If one of us needs more than one card we can just staple them together. 
Today we went through our journal to find the names of all the alters we have written in there. Some of them we had totally forgotten about. We wrote about what they like or don't like, who they are friends with, there role if they have one. We also included anything we have heard them saying about what they have been through. By the time we were finished today we had counted over 30 alters, (some with no more information than a name). It all seems a lot clearer now and a lot less confusing. I know there are some we haven't written about yet but at least now we have an easy and clear system for us all. We store the cards in the box in alphabetical name order to make it easier to find them later if we need to add information.