Somedays, even with all the good things that are happening in our life, there is a shroud of pain and hurt that hangs over us. The desire for death to take the pain away. The need for every day not to be a fight anymore. For the peacefulness of the eternal slumber to encase us. Strangely I do not feel depressed or even sad today, it has been a very good day. But the battle is long, and fatigue is ever present. I want to live for my children, for the future I look forward to living. Deep down inside, we are tired, and sleep, rest are so hard to find. I do not wish for the eternal rest now, but when it comes, I may very well great it with open arms. The time when all the fighting will end, and we will know rest. Peace.
26 May, 2013
Diamonds
Its been a while since I have posted and there is so much I want to say. So much has been happening. Where to begin. I have a girlfriend, we will call her Diamonds. We have been seeing each other for just over a month. As I had suspected in my previous posts, dating a woman is sooo very different to dating a man. It is a very different realm. Most of our usual triggers are just not there, I have noticed that many of the alters that were needed near the front, have gone to the back now as we don't need them in this relationship. It is just not full of fear and worry like a heterosexual relationship is. I don't
go on a date with Diamonds wondering if she is going to try something and then how are we going to cope or respond. The whole dynamic of intimacy and sex is totally different too. I cant imagine going back to men now. It seems a world away. I know that we chose this lifestyle because of all the abuse we have been through, but at the same time it seems so natural and loving. Maybe I could have been born gay and just never had the chance to find out. Who knows but for now I am very happy living the life of a gay woman.
There is one small hitch, or should I say advantage, I am not sure. Diamonds is also a multiple. Yes we have two multiples in a gay relationship. Not the first relationship this way, and definitely wont be the last I am sure, but it does have its challenges. We understand each other better because we are both multiple, and we have helped each other through flash backs and triggers. We have separate relationships developing between different alters in our systems. It can get a bit confusing, and we have had quite a few challenging times when we have wondered if this really going to work. But in the end, there is no one who understands us like she does, and no one who cares like she does. We have gained so much from being together that we cant imagine being apart. I am amazed at how life can take turns you would never have guessed in a thousand years. Will keep you posted. xxx
There is one small hitch, or should I say advantage, I am not sure. Diamonds is also a multiple. Yes we have two multiples in a gay relationship. Not the first relationship this way, and definitely wont be the last I am sure, but it does have its challenges. We understand each other better because we are both multiple, and we have helped each other through flash backs and triggers. We have separate relationships developing between different alters in our systems. It can get a bit confusing, and we have had quite a few challenging times when we have wondered if this really going to work. But in the end, there is no one who understands us like she does, and no one who cares like she does. We have gained so much from being together that we cant imagine being apart. I am amazed at how life can take turns you would never have guessed in a thousand years. Will keep you posted. xxx
11 May, 2013
Just miss me a little bit...so that I know that you care.
The last few days have been long and hard, as a matter of fact the last few weeks have had their moments. We are doing well with the separation, only having an occasional moment here and there where someone inside mourns for what has been lost. It is hard to let it all go. We invest so much of who we are into a relationship and it takes so much to keep it going. We expect the return on the investment to be at least equal if not more.
Now ex-hubby "B" came over today and we chatted again about how things have ended. He recently got in contact with an old friend he knew before I came along. I guess in hopes of possibly hooking up again. While we have no intention of getting back with him, and there is not real desire for him there, it still hit hard. I have spent most of today trying to process why it hit us so hard. We do not want B back, and we are happy to keep it as friends. We have truly moved on, so why cant he move on too. It took us most of the day to come to the truth about it all. Yes, there is a level of which we still wish he would sit and pine for us as some proof that we meant something to him at all. The more he aches, the more we meant to him, and the greater his realisation of his loss. But still there was more. If he moves on and makes it work with some one else, then it leaves us feeling as if we cannot make things work. Our first husband left us for another woman, and although he was a total dick and it was better that he left, he has now made it work with her. They have been together now for 15years. Our second husband ( and yes that still hurts.. to many ex husbands) is a nice man who can be fun to hang out with, but has a few issues that got in the way of our marriage. If he now goes on to make a relationship work, then does that just make us to one guys marry before they find the right woman and make it work. Like the movie.."Good Luck Chuck". We put in all the hard work yet never get the return. It feels some times like we are destined for disaster. Like every relationship is just hard work that one day will fall apart for our ex partner to get into a relationship that works. Sometimes it feels like this constant fight to get through each day is just too much and love and loss only make it worse.
Forgive me I don't mean to be all melancholy and depressin, but I guess break ups have their affect on everyone, including everyone in a DID system. I wish him all the best...just miss me a little bit so I know that you care.
Now ex-hubby "B" came over today and we chatted again about how things have ended. He recently got in contact with an old friend he knew before I came along. I guess in hopes of possibly hooking up again. While we have no intention of getting back with him, and there is not real desire for him there, it still hit hard. I have spent most of today trying to process why it hit us so hard. We do not want B back, and we are happy to keep it as friends. We have truly moved on, so why cant he move on too. It took us most of the day to come to the truth about it all. Yes, there is a level of which we still wish he would sit and pine for us as some proof that we meant something to him at all. The more he aches, the more we meant to him, and the greater his realisation of his loss. But still there was more. If he moves on and makes it work with some one else, then it leaves us feeling as if we cannot make things work. Our first husband left us for another woman, and although he was a total dick and it was better that he left, he has now made it work with her. They have been together now for 15years. Our second husband ( and yes that still hurts.. to many ex husbands) is a nice man who can be fun to hang out with, but has a few issues that got in the way of our marriage. If he now goes on to make a relationship work, then does that just make us to one guys marry before they find the right woman and make it work. Like the movie.."Good Luck Chuck". We put in all the hard work yet never get the return. It feels some times like we are destined for disaster. Like every relationship is just hard work that one day will fall apart for our ex partner to get into a relationship that works. Sometimes it feels like this constant fight to get through each day is just too much and love and loss only make it worse.
Forgive me I don't mean to be all melancholy and depressin, but I guess break ups have their affect on everyone, including everyone in a DID system. I wish him all the best...just miss me a little bit so I know that you care.
05 May, 2013
Words From Someone Within.
I am tired of being me. I don't know why, I just am. I just want to be someone else, someone not so tired and bored. Someone who enjoys life. It sucks that we have to live this way. I don't want to stay this way. Why can't life be easier. Why can't I be me,a better me,a happier me. Why can't we just live.
Empathy..what's That?
Mr 19 is trying my patience at the moment. I had picked him up from work the other day and somehow my DID came up in conversation. He said "you know I don't understand that stuff". I suggested he start learning about it. Mr 19 quickly replied with..."why, I will only be living with you for about 3 or 4 years and then I won't have to worry about it". Ouch that hurt. He just doesn't seen to get it. I am desperately hoping he will regain a sense of empathy and compassion over the next few years. This is not easy to live with. We feel he is denying who we are and it seems we have no value. Hopefully this will change.......I hope.
02 May, 2013
You Don't Have The Right (may Be Triggering)
You don't have the right to ring me. That right was taken from you when you stripped me of my innocence. You don't have the right to affect today. You took too many yesterdays,I will not give you today. You are my past I would sooner forget. Do not fool yourself into thinking otherwise. You are a predator, and I am no longer your prey.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)