There is an expectation from some to perhaps run to his side, forgetting the past, and help support him through this tough time. Amongst some of my inner alters this is also an expectation. There are a very small few of us inside that feel love for him, but for most of us, while we wish him no harm, we are no more attached to him than an acquaintance or work colleague.
When I decided to separate from him a year or so ago, I did actually consider what to do in this situation. I decided that by not being in contact with him, the relationship was over. And this may sound harsh but if he dies, then I haven't lost any more than I had already lost. Now before you start to judge me too harshly, I would like to explain my thinking.
My father is a dangerous man. He is not violent, nor is he one of my sexual abusers, but he does reap havoc on my system. He has a mental illness that goes untreated, and because of that his brain doesn't work the same as other peoples brains do. He sees the world very differently to what it really is. He has a serious inability to take responsibility for his actions, and with all his love and good intentions, will walk straight over you, without looking back. If you cant cope, it is your fault.
I decided a year or so ago that his influence was toxic in my life. As a multiple I have to daily deal with confusing situations and I did not need someone confusing me even more. It was a decision that has worked out well as it has enabled me to see the truth and get on with facing my life.
At times like these there is, of course, always thoughts as to whether it is the right thing to do or not. Inside we have several alters who have a strong sense of empathy and compassion. Their instant response is to run to his side and forget how hard it is to associate with him. There are others of us who remember all to well how hard it is to have a relationship with him and how it affects us as a whole. There was quite a bit of pulling back and forth. Ultimately safety is the first priority. To help us all to remember what is important to the group as a whole, and not get caught up in the emotion of it all, we wrote a 'memorandum of safety'. This document takes into account the feelings we all have for him, but at the same time states that our safety comes above all else.
Why we don't see dad, even though we may love and miss him.
Dad's mind doesn't work like other peoples. He has an illness that prevents him from being able to see things as they are.
We can feel compassion for him, but we need to remember that because of this illness he is hurtful and self centered. He doesnt know how to have a proper relationship with others and he hurts us. Nothing that we have tried over the last 25years has worked at getting him to understand when he is hurting us. He either can not or will not see it.
In order to protect us, we must not see him or talk to him any more.
It is for our safety and protection. Some of us are too easily influenced by his manipulation. We need to be safe most of all. It is for our safety we do this, not out of hatred or unlove.
We cannot change him, and we can not be in a safe relationship with him. It just doesn't work.
Safety for the group, protection of the group.
These things are never easy to do, but for us at this time, we feel this is best.
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