Happy Birthday Bridges

On Friday the 27th of July we celebrated Bridges first birthday. We had decided on a Mad hatters tea party. We wore hats and brought some awesome food to share. One of the highlights of day was the amazing cake made by one of our members.
A full foot high and with rainbow cake inside, it was on of the biggest cakes i have ever seen or eaten. One slice sent our sugar levels through the roof for a few hours.
After Bridges we headed to Sarah's house for a campfire and baked spuds. Although it was very cold, we didn't get much rain, and enjoyed having the chance to meet new people in a casual setting. All in all I think a good time was had by all. I have also included a photo  or 2 of the mad hatter hat I made to wear.
The last year has gone by so quickly but the group has achieved so much. We have our regular core members and several who pop in when they can.
I recently became a co-facillitator for Bridges, which has been quite a challenge, but I am enjoying it. So far my biggest struggle has been getting there in time.
Sarah has so many things planned for the group and for the future of the Dissociative Initiative. It is exciting to be a part of such a grass roots initiative.
If you are in Adelaide in a Friday and suffer with Dissociation, please come along. It would be great to see you. Details for meetings are on the top right site if the screen under BRIDGES AND ECHOES.

Recovery

My fathers operation went well and apparently he is recovering well. The test results will take a bit to get back so as yet we do not know if he needs Chemotherapy.
It has been an interesting few days for us as we have considered the possibility of his death. It would be the loss of hope. There is still within us the very faint hope that one day he will realize what he has done and what he is doing, and things will be OK. When he dies that hope is gone, and we face the fact that ANOTHER person wasn't there for us, and could never love us the way we needed.
What bugs me most is that when I was a very little girl, I was a Daddy's girl, he was my favourite. He had the most potential to save me from what I endured..except for one thing, he couldn't get his head out of his own life to see the mess around me. His desperation to succeed in business was greater than his desire to be there for me. Things haven't changed. But deep down the hope still lives. For now.

Compassion

I am not sure where I was discussing this, it may have been Bridges but I think it was with my Psychologist. We were discussing my relationship with my Father, and how I/we feel compassion for him, but we cannot let that sway us into restarting the relationship with him as it is dangerous for us.
I/we struggle with this as it seems a cruel thing to do to a person who may be dying. Surely the compassionate thing to do would be to forget the past and just be there for him. Self sacrifice, if you like, after all he doesn't have much time left so we wont have to do it forever.
As a survivor of abuse and trauma, it is my natural reaction to sacrifice what I need and want for some one else. (it may not be that way for other survivors but for me it is). Their needs come before mine, because I am, in essence, not important and or expendable.
I have been on a long journey learning that I do have the right to have my needs met and some of my wants too. That my safety IS important and I DO NOT have to put myself in a situation that I consider dangerous. The term SELF COMPASSION came up in the conversation the other day. How often do we show compassion to our selves? Most of the time we are much harder on ourselves than others. We criticize our actions, thoughts and every thing we say.

I saw this picture on Facebook today and didn't think it was one worth keeping until I went back and applied it all to myself. Showing self compassion. Forgiving and forgetting my own past sins. It is an expression of love in all its fullness....hmmm. Do we really love ourselves enough to show us compassion.







Sometimes doing what is right for someone else can be very wrong for us, and we do it any way.
 It is OK to say no to someone.
 It is OK to put our needs first.
It is more than OK to want to protect and love the person inside us.
Self Compassion starts with us.

Mourning

Tomorrow is my dad's operation day. So I haven't heard any more about how he is going as yet. Last week I did have quite a chat to my Psychologist about it all. One of the points she brought up was about how everyone inside would cope if he died. Many of us have said our goodbyes already and don't feel too worried about what happens if he doesn't make it. But of course it is never that simple, especially for a multiple.
There are others of us inside (mostly younger ones) who were very close to him, and still think of him as 'our daddy'. For them it is not going to be as easy. We have decided as a group to start helping the more attached ones to mourn his loss.
Obviously because he lives interstate we are used to not seeing or hearing from him regularly. Some of us have comes to terms with the fact it is now permanent but others haven't. It is always a tricky thing finding a solution that will work for everyone, but this is what we came up with.
We have taken our memorandum of safety and a picture of Dad, and put them on the back of our bedroom door. We don't have any pictures of him up anywhere else in the house so this 
the only reminder of him around. Every so often we read through the memorandum and look at the picture, in the hope that it will slowly get through to everyone inside what is happening. We are expecting there will be a time of grief and mourning. If not from all of us, at least from some. It has been on the door now for just over a week, and no obvious affect to far, but we will wait and see.
As I have said before, I wish him no harm, and all the best for his surgery and recovery, just not in a relationship with me. I will keep you updated.

Memorandum of safety

I have a couple of family members from whom I am estranged. Not for any other reason than they are not safe people for me to be with. I got told yesterday that one of these family members, my father, has been diagnosed with Cancer. How serious it is and how it will affect him we are not sure of yet.
There is an expectation from some to perhaps run to his side, forgetting the past, and help support him through this tough time. Amongst some of my inner alters this is also an expectation. There are a very small few of us inside that feel love for him, but for most of us, while we wish him no harm, we are no more attached to him than an acquaintance or work colleague.
When I decided to separate from him a year or so ago, I did actually consider what to do in this situation. I decided that by not being in contact with him, the relationship was over. And this may sound harsh but if he dies, then I haven't lost any more than I had already lost. Now before you start to judge me too harshly, I would like to explain my thinking.
My father is a dangerous man. He is not violent, nor is he one of my sexual abusers, but he does reap havoc on my system. He has a mental illness that goes untreated, and because of that his brain doesn't work the same as other peoples brains do. He sees the world very differently to what it really is. He has a serious inability to take responsibility for his actions, and with all his love and good intentions, will walk straight over you, without looking back. If you cant cope, it is your fault.
I decided a year or so ago that his influence was toxic in my life. As a multiple I have to daily deal with confusing situations and I did not need someone confusing me even more. It was a decision that has worked out well as it has enabled me to see the truth and get on with facing my life.
At times like these there is, of course, always thoughts as to whether it is the right thing to do or not. Inside we have several alters who have a strong sense of empathy and compassion. Their instant response is to run to his side and forget how hard it is to associate with him. There are others of us who remember all to well how hard it is to have a relationship with him and how it affects us as a whole. There was quite a bit of pulling back and forth. Ultimately safety is the first priority. To help us all to remember what is important to the group as a whole, and not get caught up in the emotion of it all, we wrote a 'memorandum of safety'. This document takes into account the feelings we all have for him, but at the same time states that our safety comes above all else.

Memorandum of Safety,
Why we don't see dad, even though we may love and miss him.

Dad's mind doesn't work like other peoples. He has an illness that prevents him from being able to see things as they are.
We can feel compassion for him, but we need to remember that because of this illness he is hurtful and self centered. He doesnt know how to have a proper relationship with others and he hurts us. Nothing that we have tried over the last 25years has worked at getting him to understand when he is hurting us. He either can not or will not see it.
In order to protect us, we must not see him or talk to him any more.
It is for our safety and protection. Some of us are too easily influenced by his manipulation. We need to be safe most of all. It is for our safety we do this, not out of hatred or unlove.
We cannot change him, and we can not be in a safe relationship with him. It just doesn't work.
Safety for the group, protection of the group.

These things are never easy to do, but for us at this time, we feel this is best.

Trauma Responce

I want to expand a bit on what I wrote yesterday. Why were the nice words such a big deal. Maybe it seems a bit of an over reaction.  We have discussed this many times in Bridges.
When people have spent many years in a traumatic environment their mind and body becomes hard wired to expect more trauma. Especially if this is the only life a child has known. We get used the bad things happening, it is what we expect will happen. i.e. my impending doom. In essence we know how to deal with the bad stuff, we have learned coping techniques for this i.e. dissociation and splitting. They work very effectively and it becomes a natural process to deal with trauma.

 But when we are faced with something positive, like a compliment, caring words or even a hug, it can  have no place to go. We have a place to store and deal with trauma and insults, we even partially agree with them. But there is no where in our thought processes to deal with compliments. We have no box to put that in. We don't have the skills to deal with that. It is not something we are used to. Our internal system is built to deal with immense trauma and abuse, what do I do with something nice.

It is something that can take years of work to find a home for. To be able to accept and even expect positive things can take years. But it can be done. We are adaptive beings, and we are able to heal, and that is what it is, healing. We need to be able to find a place in our lives for the good and nice things of this life. As hard as it may seem.