Stronger

Its funny you know, I had naively thought that as I take the time off work this year to help me process what has and is happening to me, and that I would be able to really dedicate time to me. Don't get me wrong, I have had a lot more time for me and my self care. But life doesn't stop for you to get better. We have 5 boys, only 3 of them live with us. They are teenagers, and as you may be aware it is not an easy time, for them or us. We have had a hard year with one of the boys in particular and I was just starting to feel like the trouble had passed and we were on our way....silly me. I will not go into details but it seems I must put my work on the back burner.
I guess this is the ultimate advantage to DID is that by the very nature of the disorder we are strong and able to cope with a lot. But I am also tired. Tired of the fight. Tired of dealing with the nasty side of life. Tired of fighting every day. Its not easy living with DID. One wrong move and I can end up in an anxiety attack and voices in my head telling me how useless I am. Sleep is a constant struggle to get, and I feel like I am a drain on my family and friends.
I know I will get through this, and I will fight to the death for my son.
But I just wish I didn't have to. I just wish that for the smallest while it would be easy. Just for now.

DID isn't all bad!

I found this on the internet at this site:
http://shadowlight8.wordpress.com/2010/01/20/
 I thought it is good for a laugh.

Also a joke from the same site:

How many alters does it take to change a light bulb?

January 20, 2010 — shadowlight and co As many as will: one to change the bulb, one to change it back, three to argue over whether they want it light or dark, one to throw the light bulb against the wall to hear it crash, one to clean up the mess, four to go shopping for new bulbs and come home with stockings, licorice, Disney movies, popcorn and masking tape, one who insists it “IS” the light bulb and doesn’t understand why everyone always wants it to change and can’t it just be itself????

Chickens

 As if life doesn't hold enough for me to do at the moment, we now have 2 Chickens. We have been talking about getting them for a while and the other day we just did it. At first I thought they were ugly looking things and really wasn't that interested in them, but as time had gone on I am liking them more and more. It is actually fun to sit and watch them scratch around the back yard looking for what ever it is they like to find. They even have a different cluck for when they find something exciting in the ground. It is so cute. The challenge is getting our dog to adjust to having these strange creatures in her back yard.

The chickens were named by 2 of our sons. This one is called Dahvie, after one of the members from the group Blood on the Dance floor.

This Chicken is called Wolfy, after, well, a wolf! Troy is obsessed with wolves at the moment, so now we have a wolf chicken.

I am sure if you look very carefully you can see the similarities............................maybe close your eyes, that might help.
Maybe not!!

This is my Dog "Babe". she is not the smartest dog in the park but she is very very loving. At the moment she is obsessed with the chickens and cant wait to see what they are doing in the morning. The other morning she woke me up, scratching at my bedroom door. I thought she wanted to go out to the toilet (yes she is spoiled enough to sleep inside the house) so I let her out. It turns out she just wanted to see what to chickens were doing....as you can imagine I was so very excited to get woken up to watch the chickens!!


All in all it is fun and I am glad we have them now. Cluck Cluck!

Hope

The last 2 weeks have been very hard. I have had a lot of voices in my head and anxiety. I have also dealt with quite a bit of depression. Most days I have had to force myself to get up and moving. I have really felt low and hopeless. My internal system was not happy and I couldn't work out why.

One of the biggest problems I face is lack of sleep. Getting to sleep is always the hard part. Being awake at 2 or 3 in the morning is not uncommon and having to be up at 7am to get the kids off to school makes it all the more difficult to function. I am trying my hardest to not give into the pull to become nocturnal, it doesn't work well with the family and it is not good for long term health. I don't like using medication to help with such things. They have a bad reputation for nasty side affects including drowsiness the next day. I have found a natural alternative though, and it seems to be working a treat. The one I use is apparently only supposed to be available from a health care professional. I got it from my local health food store. There are quite a few out there so I highly recommend heading to the local health store to see what you can find if you suffer with insomnia too.

On Wednesday I saw my Therapist and thankfully we found some answers. Apparently, just because I feel OK with working on reconciling  with someone, doesn't mean everyone inside is OK with it too. Everything is so much more complicated than expected. Now of course my therapist would say it is some part of me that is not ready and that makes sense, but I felt like I was doing the right thing. Hopefully I will be better able to deal with future eppisodes now that I have a heads up on how much we (alters) must truely work together.

We also did something interesting on Wednesday on my session, system mapping. Basically it is writing down who and what we know bout my system (alters) and how they function. Who knows how, who likes who, and what functions they have in the group. It is something I had been working on by myself in the previous week so it was great timing. It was also very interesting. Elaine (my Therapist) had of course been taking notes of who she had met and what I have been telling her over the year. Elaine had quite a comprehensive list. I added to that with other info I had gained and then we put it all up on the white board. Each alter was represented by a circle and where we put them on the board depended on if they knew other alters or were friends with them. I learned a lot about how my system works. By the end I was feeling much better and far more relaxed.
Some days it all just seems too hard to go on. I hate that my life is like this, I hate that I cant live like everyone else. I hate that someone had to power to make my life this way. I hate that so much of my time is spent fighting just to survive. And then I have days like the last 2 days and I can feel the sunshine and laugh with my friends. It all doesn't seem so bad.
When I was 8years old I had had enough of this life and wanted it to end. I went into our cubby house and tried to think about how I could deal with it all. After a long time I came to the conclusion that everyone had to have a good time on their life otherwise what was the point to it all. I decided that I was going to hang on to see my good life. I didn't want to miss out on it. As I got older and life didn't necessarily get better I held on to the that thought. Even now I hang on to the hope that it will all get better and life will be fun. Don't get me wrong I do have a great life now, great husband, great kids, nice house, and great friends, but now I am also dealing with the aftermath of what happened all those years ago.
HOPE, what we need to keep going..

Twilight

I just got back from seeing twilight. I have read all the books so I know what is going to happen but I still enjoyed it. I also got some cool stuff. I am most definitely still team Jacob. He is so cute. I am looking forward to the next one. So good to see it in film.

Broken

I can't say today has been much better than yesterday really. Maybe not as much dissociation as I was experiencing yesterday. I have been grumpy and not a joy to be with. There has been a lot of anger and emotions inside. I have dealt with most of it by writing, mostly just words that came into my mind. Here are a few.

Broken,
I want to be
Together,
Not broken,
Not separate,
Not alone,
Not hurt,
Not me,
Not broken.

I am looking forward to tomorrow though. I am taking my son to see the new Twilight movie 'Breaking Dawn'.

Yes I know many will think I am mad, but I really do love them. Maybe it is the younger alters in me, maybe it is the romantic, I don't know. I do know that for those few hours I can escape into a world where DID doesn't exist and I can pretend to be lost in a world of romance and fantasy. For those of you who like Twilight too, I am definitely "team Jacob"!! OMG!!

a day with DID

I've been having a few rough days lately. Lack of sleep is not helping. I am getting woken up about 2 seconds after I fall asleep by alter/s who want to stay up and watch TV. I am that tired that I will fall straight back to sleep only to be woken up straight away. I have found it really hard to take. The night before last I didn't get to sleep until about 5am. I need my beauty sleep, and lack of sleep only makes dealing with the alters that much harder. I slept well last night, but didn't have a great day today. I have had lots of switching today and dissociation. I have had trouble staying in the here and now. I am still not sure what is causing it, I have however found one thing that just about every time helps to make it better. My son Joe. As soon as he got into the car today after school, I heard the alters say "we need to get it together for him" and since then I have been much better. Time and again spending time with Joe will make me feel better. I must admit he is an awesome young man (not that I am biased of course. lol) and everyone in my system likes him. They will opening say how much they love him. Obviously there is an understanding within my system that we have to function well for Joe. I am glad to have this but the weeks that Joe is not here I am a bit stuck.
I am a bit tired of this journey and frustrated by the lack of development we are having. I want to be further along, it seems to take so long to achieve the smallest things. I want to gain an understanding of who is there and what they do. Some form of effective communication would also help. feeling a bit down really. Not a good day with DID.

Vegan Festival

Today I decided to do something a little different. I have a friend who is a Vegan and there was a festival today in Adelaide for vegans. My knowledge and interest in the vegan lifestyle has increase through knowing him. Rather than spend another sunday at home doing jobs, I met some friends at the festival. It was a great day. The sun was shining, there was good food and great bands. We Looked around at all the stalls and I learned quite a bit about Vegan food, lifestyle and animal rights. We then spent a few hours sitting under a tree listening to some great bands. It was a great day and not something I often do. It was a chance to sit and relax just for the pure entertainment of it. I am glad I made the time to go.
Driving into the city was not so easy though. It was made very clear to me that not all my alters were keen on the idea of going to a place where there would be lots of people. It is not something I usually do. I am not one for crowds and try to avoid them as much as possible, but I felt fairly sure there wouldn't be that many people there and we could cope. As it turned out I was right and it was a nice size group of people, and lots of open space if we needed it, but it took me most of the drive in there to comfort and convince one or more of my little alters that it would all be OK. The joys of  being a multiple.

DID Source Book.

I have been a bit quiet the last few days and really haven't felt like I have had much to post. I got up this morning and started some reading and now feel quite inspired. More about that later.
Yesterday was my session with my Therapist. It was our first 2hour session and it went really well. I was glad for the extra time as we covered much more content and managed to get right into a topic. By the time I left her office I felt like we had really go to the core on a couple of issues. Always a nice feeling.
I have found in the past that if I leave her office and head home I don't get a chance to really digest and process what we talked about. As soon as I walk in the front door at home my brain switches into mum mode and I start to think about what has to be done around the house. A friend suggested a walk on the beach after a session to have time to process. So yesterday I headed to the beach. It is only about 1mins drive from her office so it is very convenient.

Once I started walking and thinking and talking to myself and alters, I realized how relaxing and helpful it is. It was such a beautiful day, 26C, clear blue sky, and a light southern breeze. Heaven! I was kicking my self a bit. I love the beach but never make time to go there. I made up for it a bit yesterday. I spent about 2 hours wandering around, having a wonderful time. Of course not being prepared, I didn't put on sun block, so I now have a very nasty sun burn. Lesson learned, next time keep hat and sun block in the car. I highly recommend taking time out of your schedule after therapy sessions for you to process the work you have just done. By the time I got home yesterday afternoon, I felt happy and relaxed. A big improvement on previous therapy days. We are worth the effort and that house work or jobs can wait another hour or two.

Now for my reading.....I have started reading The Dissociative Identity Disorder Source book By Deborah Bray Haddock. I am only up to page 13, but I am amazed how good it is. The book was recommended to me by a couple of people so I borrowed it from my survivors group library. This book is too awesome to borrow, I am going to have to buy one so that I can underline all the great stuff in it. If you have just been diagnosed or are just wanting to get some great information on DID, it is a must have.
I will quote the first passage that got my attention this morning:
"Most of the characteristics associated with DID can be hidden from others fairly successfully. Granted a DID friend or client might appear to be depressed , but how many other people have we all encountered who are depressed? Typically, someone with DID presents as moody or even a bit eccentric, but rarely grossly abnormal."
Rarely grossly abnormal....I love that part. I am looking forward to reading more of this book. I expect there will be much more up here on it over the coming weeks.

Movie Reviews

This is not what I thought I would be putting on this site, but I thought I would give a brief review of what I thought of the movies I mentioned in my last post. I will do my best not to spoil the ending in anyway. I think that we could argue forever the factual content of the movies, and whether they help or damage the public's view of DID. Definitely some are better than others.

Me, Myself and Irene: As I said before I am not a Jim Carrey fan. The movie is obviously a comedy and not intended to be in any way factual. They referred to him as having schizophrenia, although of course, he did not.
If you like his films you will probably love it but from a DID point of view, I wouldn't waste my time.

Colour of Night: Staring Bruce Willis. (Rated R, Erotic) Improving on the content but I still really wasn't terribly impressed. Again, ok to watch, and does keep you thinking for a bit, but nothing too in depth in regards to DID.

Primal Fear: Staring Richard Gere as a top notch defense attorney. I enjoyed this one more and it had more content. Classified as a Thriller and I like it. Enough DID content to make it interesting.




Never Talk to Strangers: a Psychological Thriller (my favourite movies) and this one definitely lives up to my expectations. Good concept and keeps you guessing for most of the movie. Much more informative and has some good information.
Quote from the movie: "Multiple Personality Disorder cannot easily be faked. The creation of the multiple personalities can always be traced back to childhood trauma often involving violent sexual abuse. Sub consciously the child creates other personalities that share the burden, the literally unbearable burden of shame, the repressed memory of the childhood events. These personalities often turn against the creator sometimes inflicting actual bodily harm"


Identity: (Thriller) My favouite of the 5 I hired. Someone has put a lot of thought into the concept and how it works out. I remember watching it once before a few years ago, well before my diagnosis, and not being able to get my head around it and thinking it all a bit strange. Now of course I understand. Well worth a watch, I am watching it for the 3rd time. Keeps your mind involved trying to figure it all out. My favourite quote from the movie:
"When I was going up the stairs, I met a man who wasn't there, he wasn't there again today.
I wish, I wish he'd go away"



There are a few instances in the movies where they say 'Dis-association" instead if Dissociation, and Multiple Personality Syndrome, so a little frustrating they couldn't get that right.
All in all I enjoyed the 'research'.
There is one obvious theme through the movies. Can a person with DID be held accountable for the actions of an alter. I am not really surprised that this is what people are curious about, after all, it sounds the perfect way to commit a crime and get away with it. Those of us with DID know that there is so much more to who we are, and most of us are not violent to others. Yes, self harm is often a problem with multiples and it can take years and years of hard work to beat.

Ultimately I think there is no wonder people don't really know how to take us, if this is what they see and know about DID. People with DID are seen as crazy, often violent and dangerous. There is a lot of information we need to share to educate the public.

Resources

I know that resources for those of us with DID are scarce so I thought I would share what I have found so far.
One of the first sites I found is Fort Refuge. It is a Community for survivors of abuse, not just Child abuse but all forms. They have forums where you can post comments or ideas, chat rooms, and further resource information. There are many sections for different Survivors including DID. I highly recommend heading in for a look. It can be a great online community.
Another site I have found but not spent too much time in is T.A.S.D.D. This stands for Therapeutic Alliance for the Recovery from Dissociative Disorders. There motto is "Breaking down the isolation and silence".
Ivory Garden DID support Group
Leah Peterson: Flawed but Authentic
Some blogs of interest are:
Seeing Through Multiple Eyes
Dissociative Living
Integration from the Sidran Institute
Blooming Lotus
and my favourite, Holding my childhood to ransom
I hope some of these sites are helpful for you. I have not spend much time on some of them so cannot guarantee how accurate they are, but they may be worth a look.

I recently also found a list of movies supposedly about people with DID. Now keep in mind they are what Hollywood considers entertaining, not necessarily factual. But it may be fun to have a watch of some of them and get an idea of how we are portrayed in the media. I managed to hire 5 of them on DVD. It was interesting to talk to the Sales person at the DVD store when I said the 5 movies I had chosen all had a theme. He couldn't pick it, and when I told him he said something about them all being Sckitzo!! Hmm not really helpful but I guess I got a picture of how ill informed most people are.
Any way here they are:
Trilogy of Fear: Millicent and Therese ( found it on Youtube)
Secret Window, 2004
Colour of Night, staring Bruce Willis, 1994 (R)
Primal Fear, 1996
 Shattered Mind, 1996
Never Talk to Strangers, 1995
Identity, 2003
Me, Myself and Irene, Starring Jim Carrey and Renee Zellweger
The Ward, 2010

So far I have watched Trilogy of fear and Me, myself and Irene. My husband watched Me, myself and Irene with me and interestingly said if he hadn't known before he watched it he would never have picked DID. It was not my favourite movie, but I am not really a big Jim Carrey fan.

 Well I hope you find some of this information interesting and or helpful. Have some fun and enjoy today. It is gong to be a beautiful sunny day here in South Australia so I intend to make the most of it.
Please keep me informed on what you watched and like and what sites you found helpful. If you know of any other great resources please let me know so we can share them with others out there.

I nearly forgot the best resource I have found ever!!!!! If you are blessed to live in Adelaide, South Australia, of even anywhere in Australia and traveling to Adelaide at some time, please check out our amazing BRIDGES group.
This is a group for people with Dissociative Disorders. We meet every Friday at 1.30pm to 3pm at MIFSA (the Mental Illness Fellowship of South Australia) 5 Cooke Tce, Wayville, SA.
Because of the disorders the group deals with it is NOT open for onlookers. If your have a dissociative disorder of any kind you are most welcome to come.
Well that's enough rambling from me now, have a great day and keep in touch.

Dreams

 Dreams as defined by Wikipedia are:
 successions of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations that occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.^[1] The content and purpose of dreams are not definitively understood, though they have been a topic of scientific speculation, philosophical intrigue and religious interest throughout recorded history.

Research shows that we all dream during sleep, but of course not all of us remember them in the morning. Dreams are often considered a way for the subconscious part of the brain to process the days events.
I imagine that none of this information is new to you, me either, until Friday at Bridges (DID support group).
I have wondered and felt for a while that maybe it is Alters, in the case of Multiples, who often communicate to me during dreams. In the morning I almost always remember my dreams and I find that if a dream has a particular strength to it I will not be allowed to forget it. My alters will keep reminding me of it and replaying pieces of it throughout my day until I get the message.
This topic was brought up in Bridges, and we were all very surprised to see that it is common to all of the Multiples there. We all spoke of similar experiences and were all sure that our alters talk to us through our dreams. What amazed us is that we had never really considered it before.
Since this revelation I have taken the time in the morning when I wake up from a dream, to lay there and try to
summarize the dream, and understand the main points. When I get it right I am able to 'hear' what my alters are trying to say and take action if needed. Sometimes just listening is all they need me to do. Through this I have found a wonderful door has opened up to communication.
Many of us experience reoccurring dreams, or dreams with a reoccurring theme. This has often left me confused as to what is meant by it. For me a common dream is the ocean crossing over a road or path I am trying to take. The ocean may have sharks or even whales in it, but it is always blocking my path.

About the time I started Therapy I had several dreams about the end of the world. They were very frightening and left me shaken when I woke up. I guess in a sense it was the end of a world. Not sure I really understood it then but it makes more sense now.

Although I have not managed to really understand some of these dreams, have been told by a friend that if I paint or draw a picture of what is happening in the dreams it may  stop them reoccurring. I haven't as yet done it but I intend to soon.
None of us at Bridges, nor my Therapist could remember any research done on DID and dreams. It is an amazing topic.
I would love to hear from you if you have DID and have experienced anything like this. Or if you know of any other topics we can share.

Put it down!!!

Hi there,
I have been learning a big lesson over this last week or so.
Like most people I guess, when I am diagnosed with a condition I like to spend as much time as I can learning as much about it as possible. This goes for my DID too. I have spent the last few months scouring the internet and reading books to find out as much as I can. It as all been very informative and combined with talking to other DIDers, my knowledge has grown immensely. I feel much more comfortable and aware if what is happening to me than I did several months ago.
But in my desire for knowledge and my need to go from one book to another I forgot one very important point. Early in my journey after diagnosis I had a wonderful chat to two alters on an internet forum. They were quite happy to answer any questions I had to ask. After picking their brains about life on the inside, one of them gave me some great advise. He said that it is great to ask all these questions of others but everyone's system is different and not to presume mine is the same as anyone else's. What was most important was to get to know my own system.
Of course that sent me on a mission to get to know my system. You may have realized where I am going with all this. DESPERATELY studying and listening and looking for answers but not doing the one thing I really needed to get where I want to be.
My final wake  up call came from a friend of mine the other day. She said that life can become one big illness and we can forget to get on with enjoying life. Sure spend time learning but just as importantly PUT DOWN the time of searching and studying, and rest. Make sometime for fun, have a break between books on the subject. Life is not just about the disorder, life is about many other things too and it is important to make time for "NORMAL" life activities.
So if you are like me and often charge headlong into sorting yourself out, take some time. Put down the disorder or disease for a while and remember who you are as a whole person.
Since taking this advice I have noticed I am hearing my alters much better and there is much more peace in my head. Who would have thought, by not doing it I was doing it. lol
Tomorrow I want to share with you a revelation from Bridges group.
Take care and put it down!!!