this week has been quite a week for me. I met two wonderfully helpful people in a chat room on a website I am a member of. They are both alters (not the core or original person) of two different bodies. Not only did I find it fascinating to talk to them I also got to ask them some questions about how DID works for them. In one of the bodies, the alters wait in a room behind the eyes. They can see what is happening, and there is a door that they can go through to come forward and be in control.
I asked them how I could get to know my alters, They suggested Journaling. So I gave it a try and to my surprise it worked, but not quite how I was expecting. One of my Alters gave me a flashback of some of what had happened to me, and in it I saw my abuser.
This is the first time I knew who it was. The shock was devastating and I lost the rest of the day to tears, vacant stares, shaking and general disbelief. After a good chat to Elaine I felt a lot better but some how life will never be the same. I know who did this to me and he was a close family friend. someone I respected and looked up to and someone who I still bump into occasionally. Elaine says I have a long road ahead of me yet and much more work to do. but for now I know who did this and I know I am on the road to healing.
By the way I also met another one of my Alters on the weekend....her name is Elizabeth and she is 5, her favourite colour is red, and she doesn't like tuna, mayo and corn sandwiches.
Welcome to the system.
24 May, 2011
20 May, 2011
Forum post
I am a member of a site for survivors of traumatic childhoods, there are a lot of people on there with DID. There is a section for members to post poems and things they have written. This poem was posted and I love the way it is written. I have posted it on here to remind me that my alters are here to help me and have helped save my life. I am grateful.
Don't Cry, Angel
Don't cry, Angel,
We are ever near.
We hold the pain you feel inside.
We know you're full of fear.
But listen to me, little one,
Hear the words I say.
After the darkest, blackest night
Always comes the day.
Together we can get through this.
Hand-in-hand we will survive.
Don't look at us as monsters.
We are what kept you alive.
18 May, 2011
Thats not me!
I was out to dinner with a friend the other day and I was telling her about having DID when I remembered this little fun fact which I thought I would share on here. I am co-conscious with my alters and sometimes I don't register that they are forward until something like this happens, because I am so used to then being there I don't really take much notice.
It is not uncommon to walk onto the bathroom and look onto the mirror and be shocked to see the face that is looking back at me. No, not because I am looking particularly unsightly that day. But because I am expecting to see someone else. Once I realize that it is the correct reflection and that is how the body really looks I feel the alter switch back and I return to being 'me'. it is a strange feeling to expect to see someone else in the mirror than who you think you are. The alter is taller, thinner, and has dark curly hair. Her face is shaped differently too. She seems more confident than 'me'. And no sooner do I realize she is there and she is gone. I would love to know her name. In a way is like having friends but never really getting to talk to them and see them.
I have been struggling with Anxiety a lot lately. One of my Alters is particularly bad on worrying about stuff and it is easy for me to get into an anxiety attack. Sometimes it is quite debilitating and I can lose a whole day because I feel so bad. Unfortunately anxiety is a common disorder that accompanies DID, along with depression. I guess there is so much hidden inside us that the body really doesn't know how to cope, and has trouble keeping an even plain.
At least now I am getting help and learning techniques to deal with it as best I can.
I just want to say Thanks to my friends and family who have been so accepting of my condition. It is always nice to know I don't have to hide myself and people will still accept me. It makes the journey so much easier. Thank you again. :)
It is not uncommon to walk onto the bathroom and look onto the mirror and be shocked to see the face that is looking back at me. No, not because I am looking particularly unsightly that day. But because I am expecting to see someone else. Once I realize that it is the correct reflection and that is how the body really looks I feel the alter switch back and I return to being 'me'. it is a strange feeling to expect to see someone else in the mirror than who you think you are. The alter is taller, thinner, and has dark curly hair. Her face is shaped differently too. She seems more confident than 'me'. And no sooner do I realize she is there and she is gone. I would love to know her name. In a way is like having friends but never really getting to talk to them and see them.
I have been struggling with Anxiety a lot lately. One of my Alters is particularly bad on worrying about stuff and it is easy for me to get into an anxiety attack. Sometimes it is quite debilitating and I can lose a whole day because I feel so bad. Unfortunately anxiety is a common disorder that accompanies DID, along with depression. I guess there is so much hidden inside us that the body really doesn't know how to cope, and has trouble keeping an even plain.
At least now I am getting help and learning techniques to deal with it as best I can.
I just want to say Thanks to my friends and family who have been so accepting of my condition. It is always nice to know I don't have to hide myself and people will still accept me. It makes the journey so much easier. Thank you again. :)
09 May, 2011
08 May, 2011
What has happend to me?
In my last post this question stuck out to me. What happened to me?
I would like to live in the world that says it was not that bad and that most of the people around me obviously treated me well. I would like to believe that my childhood, while far from good, was nothing so severe I had to forget. I would like to think a lot of things about then...but I cant.
Just by the fact that my mind needed to split to survive says there were many things that happened back then that I can not make light of. At least one person in my life had such a negative affect in my life that I needed/need to escape in a major way, and to top it off, those who I needed to be there for me, weren't.
What happened back there? I want to know, but I don't. My alters say I am not ready to know yet. Are they right or is it just protection, something they were designed to do from their birth.
Imagine being lost in a mind that doesn't make sense and you don't understand. In its attempt to protect you it feels like it is driving you mad.
One day at a time people say, but sometimes that one day can take so long, especially when you know you are nowhere near the end of getting to the bottom of this, and the worst is yet to come.
I am tired, every day , I am tired.
I would like to live in the world that says it was not that bad and that most of the people around me obviously treated me well. I would like to believe that my childhood, while far from good, was nothing so severe I had to forget. I would like to think a lot of things about then...but I cant.
Just by the fact that my mind needed to split to survive says there were many things that happened back then that I can not make light of. At least one person in my life had such a negative affect in my life that I needed/need to escape in a major way, and to top it off, those who I needed to be there for me, weren't.
What happened back there? I want to know, but I don't. My alters say I am not ready to know yet. Are they right or is it just protection, something they were designed to do from their birth.
Imagine being lost in a mind that doesn't make sense and you don't understand. In its attempt to protect you it feels like it is driving you mad.
One day at a time people say, but sometimes that one day can take so long, especially when you know you are nowhere near the end of getting to the bottom of this, and the worst is yet to come.
I am tired, every day , I am tired.
DDNOS
OK, time to explain my last post. I included information in my last post about DD NOS, which is Dissociative disorder not otherwise specified. This disorder is used for those who do not fit into the other types of dissociative disorders.
There are several dissociative disorders and it may be worth a Google if you are curious as to what they are. To be considered some one with DID, you must have a very specific collection of symptoms. If these cannot be found then often DD NOS is diagnosed instead. I included this in my blog as my Psych was considering if I would have DD NOS instead of DID.
It is always hard to get a definitive diagnosis especially in the early days of therapy so it is not uncommon to toss between two or more until the symptoms become more obvious. For now Elaine is happy to stick with DID as it seems to best fit how I am. Either way at least I know where I am and I head on pretty much the same road to recovery.
It is long and hard and I don't really know if I really want to go there. I have spent most of my life seeing the good in people and trying to see the positive side of life. Will this change when I get a better understanding of what has happened to me?
I cant go back now, it is too late for that, and life is not easy since I started on this journey. I live with almost constant anxiety sometimes so severe i must take medication to get through. The voices in my head have little or no mercy. They expect me to know what they are saying and to act accordingly even when I may have little knowledge of what is going on. As they take over, my moods and behaviour change and I am concerned that one day it will happen in a way I cannot hide.
How can someone be so evil to another human being, a child, that it sends their mind into a totally different place just to survive. The legacy of their actions I carry with me for the rest of my life and so will my children.
Sometimes I feel so alone and so like I have a facade that hides what is really going on inside. I must do this for my children to protect them....I just wish there were times I could let it down and let the world see me, just as I am!
There are several dissociative disorders and it may be worth a Google if you are curious as to what they are. To be considered some one with DID, you must have a very specific collection of symptoms. If these cannot be found then often DD NOS is diagnosed instead. I included this in my blog as my Psych was considering if I would have DD NOS instead of DID.
It is always hard to get a definitive diagnosis especially in the early days of therapy so it is not uncommon to toss between two or more until the symptoms become more obvious. For now Elaine is happy to stick with DID as it seems to best fit how I am. Either way at least I know where I am and I head on pretty much the same road to recovery.
It is long and hard and I don't really know if I really want to go there. I have spent most of my life seeing the good in people and trying to see the positive side of life. Will this change when I get a better understanding of what has happened to me?
I cant go back now, it is too late for that, and life is not easy since I started on this journey. I live with almost constant anxiety sometimes so severe i must take medication to get through. The voices in my head have little or no mercy. They expect me to know what they are saying and to act accordingly even when I may have little knowledge of what is going on. As they take over, my moods and behaviour change and I am concerned that one day it will happen in a way I cannot hide.
How can someone be so evil to another human being, a child, that it sends their mind into a totally different place just to survive. The legacy of their actions I carry with me for the rest of my life and so will my children.
Sometimes I feel so alone and so like I have a facade that hides what is really going on inside. I must do this for my children to protect them....I just wish there were times I could let it down and let the world see me, just as I am!
01 May, 2011
I will explain this later.
People with DD-NOS are frequently highly intelligent with a very strong desire to survive.
DD-NOS is a disorder rather than a mental illness, so people with DD-NOS are usually sane.
DD-NOS only develops in people who suffered severe and ongoing trauma from a young age.
Healing from severe trauma is extremely painful, so people with DD-NOS should not attempt to integrate their parts/divisions until they find a qualified therapist with experience in counseling people who have been severely abused.
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