We are spent!

We started with a new psychologist about a year ago. She had been recommended to me after a lot of searching and asking around. We were unsure about seeing a Psychologist, as we knew we would only get 10 government paid visits a year, and we need so much more than that. But we needed to see someone and she was the only choice we had. The first visit went well, she was confident she had the training to handle our needs, and was even trained by an association we greatly respected.We were of course concerned about the ongoing cost and limited visits. She reassured us that it wouldn't be a problem. Her normal gap she would cut for us dramatically so we could afford to see her and she reassured that when the 10 visits ran out she would still see us at that price. She explained she didn't want to retire and this was her way of giving back to the community, pro Bono, work as it were. She also layed out her basic treatment plan. For the first time, we felt hope. Someone who was willing to help us, and knew about what they were doing. There was a plan, a path through this hell we had been walking through. For the first time we truly felt like there was hope.
As time went on, she went on to encourage us that she would be there for us. How she would go with us to the hospital if we her needed to. She kept telling us we  were not alone now, we didn't have to live a life alone and with out support any more. We found it hard to trust all this, but it is to be expected given who we are and what we have been through.
As time and visits went on, we learned many things to help us cope with flashbacks and our horrible anxiety. Slowly it seemed we were following an agenda she had planned. OK , not the end, but manageable, we know how to get around that.
Then we started to get behind on payments , not too bad but behind. We asked if we could stretch out our visits to every 3 or 4 weeks because the finances were getting a bit tight. She reassured us it was fine and not to worry about it, to pay as we could. She booked us in for another visit for 2 weeks
When that visit came, she made a comment that while we were getting skylight to help us with our NDIS application, that maybe we could see if they had a councilor or therapist we could see as well. Because the cost was getting a bit much for her. She said.." The money situation was not a problem for me to worry about but for them to worry about."( I have no idea how that even works as I am the one paying the bills and basically the one who has to pass on the message that my Psychologist wont see me anymore because I cost too much.How do I not worry about that!!!) Then to knock the final nail into the coffin, she says that we wont book any more appointments at the moment, and leaves it at that.
We are not good at handling things at the time, we were shocked but didn't really realize what she was seeming to do until we got home and had a chance to think about what had been said. We were shocked......"I think we have just been dumped.........again!"
We decided to give her a small benefit of the doubt. We slowly made our way through paying back the bill. We had hoped that maybe she would send a Christmas message to her clients wishing them the best for the season and New Year, looking forward to seeing you again in 2019, type of thing. But no!
We have had no contact form her in months. What do we do now? Do we AGAIN start the long, complicated and arduous journey of finding a new therapist, who would not only treat us but also know how to treat us? We were exhausted just thinking about it. It was hard enough to find her in the first place. We were back to hopeless. How do we survive this shit existence with no professional help. We are on the extreme of mental disorders, even for DID. If this were cancer or diabetes, Drs would be climbing over themselves to help us, to find research that could help us. But no. because our parents beat, raped and tortured us into a broken mess, through absolutely no fault of our own, we must continue a life of suffering alone. No one will stand with us and support us, help us, show us that good people really are out there.
We see so many TV shows about people who rescue abused and neglected animals and want to finally show them love. They want to teach these poor animals that there really are good people out there. Its great. But what happens to the beaten and abused humans. There is no one to help them, to show them love and to stand by them as they learn that not all humans are bad.
I am spent.

Have a day

We're trying to get settled in our new house,  Christmas is only weeks away and we feel so broken.  To much hard work.  But we want to scream..... look at me,  we count to,  see me, I'm important too.  When does the universe cut us some slack.  I just want it to be easy.  Just for once in my life. 

Mixed emotions and a mothers love

It's with mixed emotions that I write today.  I had lunch today with my two beautiful children. Now adults,  at 20 and 25 years old.  They are living lives I am incredibly proud of.  They both have autism, which has challenges for them both in different ways. They both work and have friends and live out of home.  They are happy and have their own pursuits and passions that they follow.  I could not hope for more for them.  I am more than proud.
Several years ago when I broke contact with the last of my family members, my mother,  my kids wanted to maintain contact with her.  They have done that.  I see her as no real threat to their safety.  But as I watch them live the lives I am envious of,  the life we could never have lived,  I see their relationship with my mother getting stronger.  My son spends more time with her than me.  At times so does my daughter.  If I want time with them over Christmas,  I have to organise it early so she doesn't take the time I want. 
Our life as a group is changing so much. We will not be driving for much longer,  as it is, we currently only drive locally.  We can't afford,  holidays, fancy things.  We live a very simple life with few friends and people we feel we can trust.  We are constantly looking over our shoulder, hoping we are safe.  We lose days to flashbacks,  body pains, and energy lows when we are bed ridden.  We are many after all.  It is not an easy life at the best of times. 
What hurts the most is knowing that one of the people who made us this way,  who helped to willingly break us beyond repair, is living the life we can only imagine.  What's more,  she's doing it with our children.  She walks free in this world to be exactly who she wants, and we fight for every day to be alive.  We still have days where we consider ending it all.  There are so many days it all gets to hard and we just want to live a normal life.  We haven't of course, because we don't want that legacy for our children.  Our love for them is greater than our wish for release. 
But it is hard, incredibly hard to see the guilty walk free while we fight for every breathe.