Not Fair.

Nothing pisses me off more than fighting for each day. Fighting to survive mentally, financially, emotionally, physically. Knowing that while we struggle to just get through a day, our abusers are off planning vacations and enjoying their lives.  Fuck you arse holes.  

Being believed is healing.

That time when you tell someone close to you a bit of what you went through, and they look at you like you are crazy and say "I don't believe in all this memories stuff you keep saying, but I will support you."
That heartbreaking moment when you realise they are humouring you. Their support is great but belief would be better. Being believed is healing. It is someone else saying it is real, and helping you to feel normal. The greatest healing comes from when we can be open about the truth of what happened and be believed.
We don't want to have these memories, we don't want to be making them up either. We don't want to know that our mind is crazy enough to just go making up random and horrific memories about the ones we love, We don't want to be many when we can be one. If we have DID we have it is for a reason. We didn't get it by stubbing our toe on the couch, There had to be serious abuse that happened in childhood or we would never have DID in the first place.
Having DID, and remembering things I never want to believe about family members, who I thought loved me, is heartbreaking. It takes ages to come to terms with. You DO NOT WANT TO BELIEVE IT EITHER. But there it is on your mind. and when your body shows signs of this abuse being real, you begin to wonder if maybe it is. Them comes the earth shattering realization the the people you loved and trusted were the ones who did this to you. That takes weeks, months, years to come to terms with, and you try every explanation you can to try and make it not real. But slowly more evidence comes forward, and slowly you lose more and more hope, that is is all a dream or some confused thought process. Slowly you realise that these memories ARE real, and you did live that life and you are now forever changed. Those people you loved and trusted.....were and are the very same people who hurt you so bad that you now live with DID.
Your sense of trust is broken, your view of the world is shattered. The world is a totally different place now, and always will be . If you can't trust them, who can you trust. Life is never the same again. And those memories you have inside you...they stay forever, they are as much a part of your life as learning to ride a bike.
This is NOT  a life I have chosen. This is NOT a life I wanted. Because of these memories I have no family except my remaining children. I have had to leave those people I don't feel safe with in order to heal. Yes it has helped a lot but it comes at a price. A very high price. This is not a game I am playing, this is not a way to get attention. If you want attention break your arm, you get heaps more sympathy and attention for that than you ever will for being a trauma survivor. I want to live a life just like anyone else, have friends, hobbies, laugh, live. I DO NOT want to live with this amount of trauma every day. Why would I choose this life and hold up this charade for so long, to only be shunned. There are no benefits spending years in therapy remembering horrific things. Having your body relive these experiences. You are left a broken person. Even in the off chance you are making up these very sick and disturbing memorise, what is so very wrong with you and your mind that you would do that.
I end this by saying....I just asked Miss 18, my daughter, if she believed my memories were real. She said yes, I asked her why....she said "because I have repressed memories" I knew she did. but just that little piece of validation made me cry. She had no idea what that little affirmation means to me.
It is Real.

Newton's Third Law!

Newton's third law is: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. 

www.physicsclassroom.com/class/newtlaws/Lesson-4/Newton-s-Third-Law

It feel like this in life too. Days of feeling we are getting our life to head in a
productive direction, and there is an equal and opposite reaction. The last two
nights have been hell. Self harm has been up, and last night we were in crisis
mode. We knew we could not be left alone or we would end up in hospital at
the very least with stitches in our body. After calling every friend we knew who
could at the very least understand the concept, we had nowhere to go.

No safe place to hide for the night. In the end we were forced to stay home and 
depend on our daughter, Miss18. She has done this sort of thing before with 
friends, but never for us. We HATE having to be the one she looks after. We 
don't like putting that sort of pressure on her. She has many other things she 
is trying to deal with. In the end she handled it very well.

She is very understanding and supportive, something for which we are eternally
grateful. We have a wonderful treasure in her. 

Looking back on the last 2 weeks I can see why we have hit the wall, so to 
speak. We have had several flashbacks and triggers into deep things, like the
death of Babies we had in our teens. We have had our period this week too, 
and without going into too much detail, it has been very heavy and highly 
triggering. To the point we went to our GP to get medication to stop it or at the
very least slow it down. Thankfully we could, and now have a way to keep it
manageable and hopefully a lot less triggering each month. 
We have also had trouble dealing with matters of the heart. Never an easy one
for anyone. Made much more complex with the many of us involved. 
We had to use a far whack of our medication  to help sedate us and make us 
sleep, but we made it. We haven't slept at all well the last couple of weeks and
that is not going to help matters at all. We feel a little better after getting a bit 
more sleep lastnight. 
Today I think we will spend having a self care day doing things we enjoy, and 
slowly come to terms with the things that have been brought us this week. 
We miss our babies so much, and just want to hold them. The realization that
our daughter may have lived longer in the group than we first thought has been 
heartbreaking. To die young is better in these groups. The longer you live the 
more abuse you go through, especially as a girl.
We have also been opening up a lot more with our therapist. This is great, but 
it sets off triggers and programs inside to try to stop us. These can include self
harm. So i guess that was a really big factor too. 
This feels like a very very hard life at the moment, and I'm not really sure how
we are doing it. One bonus that did come from last night, was that we weren't 
suicidal.We have been that way for many years, but the changes we have 
made in our lifestyle over the last few months has decreased that dramatically.
Even with all the triggers and everything we went through this week, we didn't 
want to end it.That is a MAJOR ACHIEVEMENT. 
We will just keep fighting, one day at a time. That's all we have left to do. 
Thanks for reading.