Just lie here and dream. Dream of a world with heroes and saviors. Where everything works out in the end, and the damsel is rescued. They ride off into the sunset to begin again, and the villan is vanquished. A world where there is honor and hope, Goodness and kindness. Where evil people are easy to see, and can be fought. Where the wounds seems to disappear and all is right with the world. Dream today if this world, in the desperate hope that you will forget the truth, and rest in the lie for another day.
This is not my world and never has been. There are no heroes or saviors. The damsel must stand on her own. The evil is hidden and spread so widely it out measures those who do good. There is no safe place to rest. No haven or refuge. No peace, then no hope.
I hear stories of those who have made it to a place they call home. But who knows if it's real. I have no map or directions to lead me.
But once again for tonight, i dream of a world made in movies, and my hero who comes to my aid. I escape just for now from the truth. Just for now i will feel safe.
27 September, 2016
A Lonely Life
My therapist had been sick. I haven't seen him for two weeks. I usually see him twice a week. We miss the chance the talk to someone who knows and understands. Someone who we won't scare. Someone we are not afraid to lose with our truth. So much has happened over the last couple of weeks that we want to talk about. We now have no other friends who are multiple, only others in online groups. We miss having someone who understands and who will listen. It's a lonely life.
Something is going on inside. Most days i feel sick and sore and upset to the point of not being able to function. I know it's coming from inside, but they won't tell me what it is. The past is here again. I wish we could just leave it all behind.
Something is going on inside. Most days i feel sick and sore and upset to the point of not being able to function. I know it's coming from inside, but they won't tell me what it is. The past is here again. I wish we could just leave it all behind.
21 July, 2016
Abuser Alters
I don't know if I have spoken much about Abuser Alters before but thought I might try and explain abit now.
To most outsiders it must seem a horrible concept to have alters inside who go around abusing other alters. Surely the system would want to work together and help each other out. That's good in theory, but you have to remember that this is a child, a young very helpless and lost child. "There are no safe places to go, no safe people to get them out of this, and there are horrific things this child must see, do and experience.
How does this child cope with the horrors of what they have seen and experienced. They have no control over it, there is no way to stop it, and they feel powerless to do anything about it.
One way to cope with what is happening, is to try and make yourself feel stronger, more incontrol. If you have someone who is like the abuser inside, then they are not a victim, they are not weak. They are just like the one who has the power, even though their power and strength is only ever used on others inside the system. In a very large way they are taking away some of the powerlessness the child feels and giving them a sense of strength. Like they are in control of something in their life. That they too have power. And yes these abuser alters do go around inside abusing other alters. It's not fair, nor does it help on the road to healing, but in truth, it is one of the reasons that system is even alive to this day.
How do you cope with the pictures in your mind of the horrific things you have seen .....you identify with the abuser, you think like them, you see it like them. Then you see it from a very different view. Yes it is about power and control. That's what abusers use. So to have an abuser alter gives the child/system a sense of power and control in a world in which they really have none.
To most outsiders it must seem a horrible concept to have alters inside who go around abusing other alters. Surely the system would want to work together and help each other out. That's good in theory, but you have to remember that this is a child, a young very helpless and lost child. "There are no safe places to go, no safe people to get them out of this, and there are horrific things this child must see, do and experience.
How does this child cope with the horrors of what they have seen and experienced. They have no control over it, there is no way to stop it, and they feel powerless to do anything about it.
One way to cope with what is happening, is to try and make yourself feel stronger, more incontrol. If you have someone who is like the abuser inside, then they are not a victim, they are not weak. They are just like the one who has the power, even though their power and strength is only ever used on others inside the system. In a very large way they are taking away some of the powerlessness the child feels and giving them a sense of strength. Like they are in control of something in their life. That they too have power. And yes these abuser alters do go around inside abusing other alters. It's not fair, nor does it help on the road to healing, but in truth, it is one of the reasons that system is even alive to this day.
How do you cope with the pictures in your mind of the horrific things you have seen .....you identify with the abuser, you think like them, you see it like them. Then you see it from a very different view. Yes it is about power and control. That's what abusers use. So to have an abuser alter gives the child/system a sense of power and control in a world in which they really have none.
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