Another Night Trying Not To Sleep.

It's been going on for over a month now.  It's past midnight and we are still wide awake.  Somewhere inside we are tired but I can't feel it.  We busy ourselves, stalling, because we just don't want to sleep.  We spent a week only able to sleep on the couch watching tv. But that takes its toll on our neck and back.  
We figured out how to make or bed feel like a couch by sleeping on it sideways with or back against the headboard.  It's better than the couch but still not perfect. It's the only way to get there.  Lay on the bed normally, panic sets in. We have tried alcohol but it does little to calm us. 
We now manage by taking sleeping tablets and anti anxiety medication every night if we want to sleep.  It is the only way.  I don't remember how to fall asleep without them. I'm getting concerned.  I don't want to become addicted but we have to sleep.  I hope all this will settle down once we get past Christmas. Only 5 more nights of torture to go. We used to love sleep, it was our way to escape, now we try to escape from sleep. 

The Amish Life.

I was just watching a show on tv about the Amish people and their lifestyle. I remember as a young person in my 20's wishing i could be Amish. I liked the strict lifestyle. The strict rules on how to live and behave. What to believe. In a way it reminded me of how we were raised, being told what to do. Life in the world meant making decisions for ourselves. Decisions we were not taught to make. I wanted to go back to the life were decisions were made for me, even if the result was a beating for disobedience. At least i knew where the boundaries were and there was some security in that. There was a clear right and wrong and you knew very clearly when you had crossed a line. It has taken many years for us to get used to living in the world where the decisions are ours. It has been a tough lesson to learn.

Can You See Me?

Can anyone see me? I sit here in a waiting room. I ride the bus, i walk the shops. Some people smile, others just walk on by. No one can see me. No one can see who i truly am. No one wants to see. I'm invisible. Inside this body you see, we are screaming. Screaming to be seem, to be heard or even just noticed. We scream, wave our arms, jump around. But nobody seems to see a thing. Another day invisible!