Nil By Mouth

Driving home yesterday from a friends house, I was feeling very hungry. It was 3.30 pm so I debated getting something to eat or waiting until I got home. After quite a bit if internal discussion on the matter, someone reminded me we had some nuts stashed in the glove box for just such an emergency. Ahhh saved! But no. As I put some nuts into my mouth I felt almost repulsed by them. One of my alters tells me she doesn't eat food and asks if we can eat it without using the mouth. She doesn't ingest things thru the mouth and there must be a better way to get food in. I don't know of any other way other than IV drip, and that is more traumatic than eating so we are not taking that option. Needless to say we did not eat nuts on the way home and she had gone by dinner time so all was good there. This not the first time she has been forward and it is an interesting challenge dealing with the no mouth thing. On a separate and positive note, I slept heaps better last night hopefully we have broken the cycle for a while.

Sleep, why have you forsaken me?

The last week has been tough going. We have had a LOT of trouble sleeping. So far I have managed to get to 4am with no sleep. grrrr.
I think it started about a week ago when one of my dear friends came over for a visit, and we sat up talking till 3am. Something tells me that gave my teens the idea that we could do this all the time. I haven't been able to sleep well since then. Its not that I am not tired, I am exhausted. I will be so desperate for sleep that I am forcing my self to stay up past dinner time so I don't sleep to early. By 9.30pm I head to bed thinking this will be easy....I lie there for a while breathing deeply and waiting for sleep to take me. It does not! Instead my sewing alter comes up with some awesome ideas for quilts she wants to make and how to do it. It is a little easier if I get up and write them down but I cant always be bothered. Eventually my body will give way to sleep....ahhh sleep, until suddenly I am thrust awake by at least one of my alters saying "I don't want to sleep". Yes that is right they wake me up about 2 seconds after I dose off. NO matter how many times I dose off again, they will wake me up. They want to get up and watch TV or do something outside. I was up one night cutting out the fabric for my son's dressing gown at 2am because I refused to just lie there and wrestling with myself.
Today is my son's first day beck at school for the new year, so I had to be up early to drop him off. That meant I had to get some sleep so I could drive. I was determined last night to sleep in my bed, and not get up. It took me quite a while and I was very restless but eventually I got there sleeping with my head at the foot end of the bed. Now to get through today with out having a nap so I am hopefully so tired tonight that no on can argue with me.

Integration

I have wanted to cover this topic on my blog for some time but just haven't got around to it. This is a very in depth topic so it may take me a few posts to get out what I want to share. I am aware that a wide range of people read my blog. Some of you are also multiples and so are familiar with what integration is about and may have some very strong feelings on it. Others are new to this whole thing and are just trying to get their head around the idea that they know someone with this strange disorder. So I will start at the beginning and see how we go.
The basic concept behind Integration when used by professionals in reference to people with DID, is to get all the alters to integrate into one functioning personality. To make them a singleton, not a multiple. (as I call them). In essence to get them to be like everyone else. Sounds easy enough really and even quite practical. BUT, it is not that easy, not only from a logistical stand point but also from a psychological one.
Integration is a VERY heated subject amongst multiples. By just writing this and expressing my views, it is possible I may upset some people. That is not my intent at all, but as this is MY blog and MY space to express myself I feel I will share my thoughts on the matter. You are more than welcome to disagree. I am not yet perfect nor is all my knowledge.
Many has been done the the field of Psychiatry over the years that we now realise is not good safe practice. Major changes are happening especially in dealing with DID. Psychiatrists were considered the experts and they were known to pretty much  take control of this "poor messed up persons mind" and bring about some form of integration. Many still practice this type of psychiatry. I have heard of one shrink who says he will have integrated all the patients alters in a year, regardless of how the patient may feel about this. Many patients feel their alters are being killed off in this experience.
We are slowly moving into a better understanding of how DID works and what is best for the patient. One of the greatest achievements I believe, is the understanding that these traumatised people need to have the freedom to receive the treatment they want. We need to be free to decide for ourselves if integration in any form is for us, or if we would rather live our lives as many working together as one.
One of the hallmarks of someone with DID is that hey have had their rights stripped from them. They have not been able to choose for themselves how their life should be. They have been forced to live how someone else saw fit. One of the greatest things they can be given is the right to self determination. The right to choose their future. This can be very scary and many choose to have someone in control like a shrink, and that is their choice. But for those who wish it, there should finally be freedom.
Integration is not for every multiple, but the choice is. WE decide how we want to go, are we happy as many, or would we rather get the numbers back to something more manageable, maybe down to one. We have the right to choose to integrate or not and only through that can real healing come.