I'm over it really. I've had enough of being we. Cant seem to find motivation for anything. Tried doing some of my dolls today which I usually enjoy. I haven't done any in about 3 weeks because I just haven't felt like it. I really didn't feel like it today either but thought I would see if I felt better once I got started. I didn't. I worked for about an hour or so and then stopped with a massive stomach ache. I packed up and headed for the couch for a rest. My stomach has stopped hurting now. I think it was just someone inside not happy doing dolls. But I can't find motivation to do much else either. Every time I think of something to do, someone inside says they don't want to do it. I feel really flat and despondent. It all seems to hard.
I lost the plot at my husband yesterday. I was getting frustrated with everything and felt, as I still do, that I am not achieving anything. He is doing all the hard work and I feel useless. It all boils down to me feeling like I am not good enough. I don't achieve enough, I don't do enough and I am not good enough.
I feel a bit like I am not able to do anything. I cant even get the motivation to clean. It is all very frustrating. (My husband was very supportive by the way.) I feel a bit lost really.
23 May, 2012
22 May, 2012
Dont always trust Tara
This post is birthed from a question my son asked me last night. He was asking me if I am experiencing co-consciousness yet. Am I seeing Alters outside my body to talk too?
I was in shock, where did he get that from? He tells me from the TV series 'United States of Tara.'
If you have not seen the show, Tara has DID and is portrayed in a way that can make many multiples quite upset. It is of course quite hard in any movie to try and portray what is happening in someone's head. In United States of Tara, they have chosen to show the times when Tara becomes co-conscious as times when her Alters appears in front of her and talk to her. Previously, she would lose time and another Alter would take over the body. As she becomes co-conscious this changes and she doesn't disappear when they want to talk to her they merely appear in front of her.
I had known what was happening on the show but I had never really thought how it would be taken by someone not familiar with DID.
So just to clear it up. I do not see my alters standing outside my body talking to me. I am largely co-conscious, so I often hear them talking it me in my head and even arguing with me, if need be. I can switch several times in an hour and I don't need to change my clothes every time that happens. In many cases you wouldn't even be able to pick when it is happening. Sometimes a blink is enough for a switch.
United States of Tara, and other shows on DID, can be a great starting point for conversation and knowledge, but please do not take them as gospel. They are merely a Hollywood interpretation and adaptation for the screen. If in doubt, as a multiple.
If you have not seen the show, Tara has DID and is portrayed in a way that can make many multiples quite upset. It is of course quite hard in any movie to try and portray what is happening in someone's head. In United States of Tara, they have chosen to show the times when Tara becomes co-conscious as times when her Alters appears in front of her and talk to her. Previously, she would lose time and another Alter would take over the body. As she becomes co-conscious this changes and she doesn't disappear when they want to talk to her they merely appear in front of her.
I had known what was happening on the show but I had never really thought how it would be taken by someone not familiar with DID.
So just to clear it up. I do not see my alters standing outside my body talking to me. I am largely co-conscious, so I often hear them talking it me in my head and even arguing with me, if need be. I can switch several times in an hour and I don't need to change my clothes every time that happens. In many cases you wouldn't even be able to pick when it is happening. Sometimes a blink is enough for a switch.
18 May, 2012
Multiple language
I was having a very interesting discussion with my Therapist today and I am interested on getting your opinion on it all.
We were discussing how my system works and integration. I mentioned the post on here from a few days ago about being one of many parts of the whole, not the core member with many alters who are a part of me.
As we were talking I realized that the language I have been using all this time was actually making it harder for me to express and understand my system. As a Multiple, like most multiples, I was raised and grew up in a society of Singletons (non multiples). We therefore learn and use the singleton language to describe ourselves and our experiences. (part of this I think is that we don't learn any other terms and part of it is that we want to be like everyone else so we use their language too.)
Little things like referring to myself and 'I' instead of 'we'. Now this can often be a choice by multiples in regard to what they most feel comfortable with, or what is socially acceptable. But it can also change the way people see you and how you see yourself. When I use 'we' I feel I am acknowledging that we are a group of personalities running the one body. When I use 'I' in can infer that I am the one in charge and therefore the one you shall be speaking too. If I use 'I', it can also infer only one Alter is here or I am discussing only my specific needs or beliefs as one alter of the system.
Now don't get me wrong I am not suggesting that every multiple start referring to themselves as 'we' instead of 'I'. I consider this to be personal choice and it may vary between situations and alters. But I am saying that maybe we need to reconsider some of the language we use and how it affects our system.
Are we acknowledging our multiplicity? I know this can be a very dangerous thing to do in the open and not many multiples want to be openly known for their disorder. But in forums where it is safe, with people we trust, are we just following on with singleton language that really doesn't serve us best.
I know I am not expressing this the best, the pieces I am wanting to share are just not coming to my memory at the moment.
My mum asked me the other day, after reading my posts on here about my new flashbacks and abuser memories, if I was feeling better now? It is a strange term. I am functioning better in my day to day life again, and I am not spending hours a day vagued out in dissociation and grief. But is that better? I had merely switched to an alter who could get on with life. The pain and grief was still very present and real. It all just meant she (my mum) just couldn't see it as much now. It was still there. 'Feeling Better' to me would mean working through the pain and grief in healing until it didn't have the devastating affect on me that it did originally. Feelings are transient and can change with the switch of an alter. They are either close to the surface or buried again. Ultimately to my singleton mother, yes I was feeling better. But the reality is that nothing had changed except which alter was running the show.
To my mum who reads my blog, don't take this personally, but as you know we really didn't have time for me to discuss this with you on the phone.
I hope this makes at least some sense, please let me know if you have any thoughts on the matter.
We were discussing how my system works and integration. I mentioned the post on here from a few days ago about being one of many parts of the whole, not the core member with many alters who are a part of me.
Little things like referring to myself and 'I' instead of 'we'. Now this can often be a choice by multiples in regard to what they most feel comfortable with, or what is socially acceptable. But it can also change the way people see you and how you see yourself. When I use 'we' I feel I am acknowledging that we are a group of personalities running the one body. When I use 'I' in can infer that I am the one in charge and therefore the one you shall be speaking too. If I use 'I', it can also infer only one Alter is here or I am discussing only my specific needs or beliefs as one alter of the system.
Now don't get me wrong I am not suggesting that every multiple start referring to themselves as 'we' instead of 'I'. I consider this to be personal choice and it may vary between situations and alters. But I am saying that maybe we need to reconsider some of the language we use and how it affects our system.
Are we acknowledging our multiplicity? I know this can be a very dangerous thing to do in the open and not many multiples want to be openly known for their disorder. But in forums where it is safe, with people we trust, are we just following on with singleton language that really doesn't serve us best.
My mum asked me the other day, after reading my posts on here about my new flashbacks and abuser memories, if I was feeling better now? It is a strange term. I am functioning better in my day to day life again, and I am not spending hours a day vagued out in dissociation and grief. But is that better? I had merely switched to an alter who could get on with life. The pain and grief was still very present and real. It all just meant she (my mum) just couldn't see it as much now. It was still there. 'Feeling Better' to me would mean working through the pain and grief in healing until it didn't have the devastating affect on me that it did originally. Feelings are transient and can change with the switch of an alter. They are either close to the surface or buried again. Ultimately to my singleton mother, yes I was feeling better. But the reality is that nothing had changed except which alter was running the show.
To my mum who reads my blog, don't take this personally, but as you know we really didn't have time for me to discuss this with you on the phone.
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