Confrontation

As you look at me you see the person you expect to see. You may see a smile, a frown, a laugh, maybe even a tear, but you can never really see what is happening inside. As you go about your day, we, that is all that is me, fight to deal with the cause of this DID. As you know by now this is not caused by a small insignificant event and as time and therapy goes on the truth of what has happened to me comes out. It is not like a movie you watch and then turn off the screen and walk away. It is feelings, emotions, fears and pain both physical and remembered that expose the reality of the past. Some days are a struggle to get through without crying or hiding. Some days the anger for a life lost is so strong it is hard to concentrate on even the simplest things. In most cases the face you see on the outside is NOT the true face that lives inside.
But there in lies the problem. You look, you see my face, you may even take the time to ask me how I am going, and you may even really want to know the answer. For that I thank you, for your time and concern. BUT there are people out there who do not see, do not ask and for that matter do not know the torment, the torture, the brokenness I live with every day. They do not want to know, they do not care about the affect their actions have had on someone else's life.
There lives go one as if nothing has happened, they eat and drink, they party and work and all along they give little to no thought of those they have left behind in their wake.
It brings me to the question of confrontation. They will surely deny their past actions, they may even fain concern. Will it give me the release I seek? Will it help me to know that even though they deny it all, I know, and they know I know, and I hope that at some point they come to understand that they took someones life and broke into a million pieces that may never be able to be rebuilt again.
I am an intelligent woman and it has been said to me that it is  a good thing I am so intelligent as it has helped me get through this the way I have. I agree, it has helped, but!! If not for all this damage, could I have become someone great, a doctor, a psychologist, who knows, we will never know as I have spent my life fighting these secrets I have had to hide.
My only hope is that one day, even is it is at their death bed, they realize the damage and suffering they have caused to an innocent child, and that this child is still suffering to this day. (I am not alone there are many like me, and we all need to be heard)

I have been thinking today about the Physical side of DID. No don't worry I am not going into what happened to me to give me DID, I am going to talk about whats happens day to day. Although DID is mostly a mental disorder it has many physical affects. Headaches, sometime severe, are a common side affect of DID. Often this can happen when a switch is about to happen or when all the Alters want to talk. It can last momentarily or for days until the alters are sorted out.
Dizzyness is also very common. This for me often happens when a switch is happening or when one of my alters is trying to get my attention. The lightheadedness can last for quite a while and keep happening until the situation (whatever it may be) is sorted out. We may not always know what the prolem and reason is either, it can take a bit of figuring and listening to find out. Nausia, can start suddenly and finish just as suddenly. Sudden fatigue. Insomnia, mood swings and feelings of deprssion and anxiety are also very common side affects of DID.
All these things are very common for people with DID and can happen several times a day or not for a week, but they do happen and we have no warning as to when it will be.
Imagine your day today and what you did, add to that a bout of fatigue and nausia for no apparent reason that you have no idea why it started nor how to shake. You now it is not a physical symptom, they often feel a bit different.
Please be understanding of people with DID. There is a lot going on for us and it is not all about hearing voices and losing time. sometimes the simplest things become an event. We need to take time for ourselves and be well rested. We have one body supporting many minds and it is often hard work.
Just my thoughts for today.
Smile, your day could be worse!! :)

Integration

This is a link to some great information about integration.It is a very controversial topic in DID circles filled with much confusion. This site has answered many of my questions and comes from a unique prospective. It is quite long and can be heavy going but see how you go.

http://www.sidran.org/sub.cfm?contentID=73&sectionid=4

Please feel free to open a discussion on here if you wish on this or any of the topics I share. For privacy sake please keep names hidden.

Thanks
Lonnie