DID versus Programmed DID

Tonight I want to talk about the differences between DID and DID in mind control/programming.
There are some distinct differences and when it comes to healing those differences grow even larger.

As we know DID ( Dissociative Identity Disorder) is a very normal reaction and safety mechanism when a child is in a very abnormal and abusive situation. With DID the child finds a way to continue living in situations that seem unlivable. It is the best way to cope with the trauma they are going through, and in most cases it proves to be a very helpful and successful mechanism for survival.
Inside parts (Alters) are made as the child needs them to handle a new situation. The severity and length of the abuse will affect how many Alters the child will need.

Programmed DID, has its roots in the same concept, What the child needs to survive the unimaginable. However, the key difference here, is that many of these Alters are intentionally made by the abuser/s. That s right, these people know that the child's mind with split under certain circumstances, so they set it up to make the child have the alters they want the child to have. They torture a child to make them split and then they continue to rape and torture the child to programme that Alter to do certain things. I won't go into the process of programming because it can be quite traumatic ( apparently it is something like the programming they used in the recent movie Captain America Civil War..if you have seen it, I have not...I was warned it was too triggering. I am hoping to one day.). The key point is that it is not always the child choosing who to split into and who this Alter will be. The child is not the one who decides the function this alter will have in the system, it is the Abuser, and he/she does it for his/her own benefit. If they want the child to be a sex toy or prostitute, they will make the new Alter into exactly that.
In the programmed DID brain there are many many Alters who are created for the Abusers needs, not that of the child. They are not there to help the child to survive, they are there to help the Abuser achieve whatever they want. Basically they are trying to make small human robots, to do their bidding. Because their plans are so complex and wrong, they do not want to be discovered, so they must include many other programs and Alters in the system to help protect what they have done. Even years after the abuse has ended and the survivor seems free, these programs can kick in and change the survivor's life forever. ( and Yes these people do think this far in advance).

We have Programmed DID, and as we continue on our healing journey we become even more aware of the challenges ahead of us. It's not just about our Therapist getting to know our Alters and helping them to find new things to do within the system. It's not just about heading towards integration. Its not even about trying to get everyone in the system to work together to make it easier to function in adulthood. Programmed DID is much more complex than that. It is set up so that you will not be able to find your way around inside. It has 'booby' traps set, in that if you get to close to a truth, programmes will be set off and you will be sent on a wild goose chase following flashbacks or losing memories or time. Other programs can be set off the make the survivor go back to the abusers or try to hurt or kill themselves. It is like walking through a minefield never knowing where the next step will take you. There are hundreds of Alters, all with their own trauma and abuse, all with their own story they need to heal from, and many with secret hidden agenders that no one else may know about. It, by its very nature, is designed to not be figured out. It is designed to hold secrets that even the other Alters have no idea exist.

I have heard of several very strong systems who have managed to work their way through all of this to healing. I do not know any of them personally. I know of a specialist overseas who knows how to treat this type of DID and has written books to help others. I have all her books. To stand and see the road ahead is to feel overwhelmed. Most of the time we truly wonder if we can make it, but we are reminded by some very supportive friends that we must keep trying. It feels as if this is just one blow after another and that somehow we do truly live a cursed life. I do not know the meaning of life or why we are here going through all this. Most of the time we want to give up. It has been a very long and hard life. For now we have people who need us and so we are here.

Just Lie Here And Dream

Just lie here and dream.  Dream of a world with heroes and saviors. Where everything works out in the end, and the damsel is rescued. They ride off into the sunset to begin again, and the villan is vanquished.  A world where there is honor and hope,  Goodness and kindness.  Where evil people are easy to see,  and can be fought. Where the wounds seems to disappear and all is right with the world.  Dream today if this world,  in the desperate hope that you will forget the truth, and rest in the lie for another day. 
This is not my world and never has been.  There are no heroes or saviors. The damsel must stand on her own.  The evil is hidden and spread so widely it out measures those who do good.  There is no safe place to rest.  No haven or refuge. No peace, then no hope.  
I hear stories of those who have made it to a place they call home.  But who knows if it's real.  I have no map or directions to lead me.  
But once again for tonight, i dream of a world made in movies,  and my hero who comes to my aid. I escape just for now from the truth.  Just for now i will feel safe.  

A Lonely Life

My therapist had been sick.  I haven't seen him for two weeks.  I usually see him twice a week.  We miss the chance the talk to someone who knows and understands.  Someone who we won't scare.  Someone we are not afraid to lose with our truth.  So much has happened over the last couple of weeks that we want to talk about.  We now have no other friends who are multiple,  only others in online groups. We miss having someone who understands and who will listen.  It's a lonely life. 
Something is going on inside.  Most days i feel sick and sore and upset to the point of not being able to function.  I know it's coming from inside,  but they won't tell me what it is.  The past is here again.  I wish we could just leave it all behind.