Peace Is Unsettling

When the need to fight everyday to survive subsides, and the stillness of freedom settles in. There is an unease. This is not the life i am used to. It's hard to know how to live a safe and free life. Scary really. ...the pull back to the familiar calls deep inside The desire still there. It will take a while to leave i guess. This peace is unsettling. Where do i go from here.

Relationships and DID ( or should I say the cursed Life)

Relationships are hard for everyone but they are even more difficult for people with DID. We grew up learning about abuse not love. Multiples often have a very distorted view of what love is, they never got taught what it is. Especially if you are talking about high end multiples who have survived ritual abuse. The whole idea is to keep the child away from a loving relationship so they only ever learn to trust those who should never be trusted.
That need for love is one of our basic necessities of life, and most will do their best to find it in any way they can, even if it turns out to not be love at all. We have struggled to hold down many relationships long term. Just the fact that there are so many of us makes it hard. We strike up a friendship with someone and then in a few weeks/months we are a different group of people who just want to be left alone and don't want to be around these new people.
In many cases survivors have left abusive families for their safety. This can lead to great freedom and healing, but it can also lead to great loneliness. Some days I feel like this is a cursed life. We will never really be understood or understand.
Christmas is coming and while everyone is getting excited, we dread that day when we are reminded that we have no family and why we have no family. I hate it.
It really does feel like a cursed life, 3 steps forward and 5 steps back. We don't ever seem to get ahead.
It shakes my faith. Some of us will always believe and have faith but for many we are in doubt of the goodness out there, how can God exist yet we feel so very alone and without even his support.

No One Can Love Me!

No one can love me! Those words brought peace to our system today. Acceptance brings relief. Once you know you are unlovable there is no need to fight. No need to look for love. It won't come, you don't deserve it. It's over. There is no love for you in this world. It is a hard world and so few people care and even fewer really see or care. Unconditional love and acceptance regardless of what we do, has never been our lot. I'm tired of fighting. Fighting to feel love. Fighting to give love and show others that they count. Fighting to be someone i feel i am not. Maybe it is just not our lot in this life. Maybe we were never born for this. Maybe we unable to be loved, somehow cursed. Cursed to watch it, and give it, but never really feel it. Would we know what it felt like anyway? I think we would, because it would be different to everything else we have known. But maybe it is not our way. Maybe it is not for the dammed, those lost before birth into a world they will never escape. Maybe we can just wish and hope and long, for that which we will never obtain. It's easier to think we are unlovable than to accept that someone could love us but never truly has. But deep deep down, there is a small quiet desperate voice that says,..............'can you love me? '