The voices within.

This is the full movie called 'The voices within-The lives of Truddi Chase'. I have just finished watching it. Truddi Chase is the one who's life is told in the book, 'When Rabbit howls'. It is a very hard book to read and there is quite a lot of mention of the trauma she went through. I have tried to read it but can never get though it.
When I found this on YouTube I thought I would give it a go. There were a few scenes which were a bit triggering but generally it was handled well. If you have a couple of hours up your sleeve and are interested, I recommend giving it a watch.
I found they dealt with the whole topic very well....although there is one mention of her being 'Dissassociative' instead of dissociative, which I always find frustrating.
Truddi refers to all her alters as the Troops. and gives a few brief explanations of their functions. I am glad as I was after a rough rundown of how here system worked. A friend had mentioned the other day that it seemed my system had a thing in common with Truddi's, so of course I wanted to check it out. There was no way I was going to the book to do that. But it has helped. I may disclose more later.

I am tired of feeling so numb. (possible trigger)

Some days it just hurts....and it doesn't seem to stop.
Some days I just wish someone would just leave their world for once, and come into mine and see how much I struggle to stay alive.

Your empty words don't heal me,
your cold arms don't give me relief .
I stand alone wondering my worth,
and you just walk on by.
You feed the doubt and hatred,
you tell me I am nothing.
You seem so proud of what you are doing,
of how you appease your guilt.
But deep inside you make no dent on my pain,
you only feed the doubt and hatred.

My insides feel like they are sliced to pieces,
so tender with pain.
It hurts to breathe,
it hurts to feel.
I do my best to make you happy,
but I am dying inside.
Can you see me,
do you care?
Will you enter my world,
.........for me!
Am I worth your time,
am I worth your love?
Am I worth the air I breathe,
or merely an inconvenience in your day.

No Safe place to hide.

The last post was a bit of a mess for which I apologise. I have been without a computer for a few days and have been trying to post on my tablet, with only partial success. But the computer is back to operation mode now, so off we go.
 It has been a rough couple of weeks from a Multiple perspective. Home and family are running pretty well, with no major complaints, but that doesn't mean inside is functioning well. We have had nearly 2 weeks of almost constant arguing and complaining coming from inside. Everything I do, say and wear is wrong. If something goes wrong on the outside then it is always our fault and the nagging voices begin in earnest. It is impossible to have my own thoughts and feelings without them being hijacked by someone else in my brain. There is no peace.
Advice from a friend to tell them to stop, both in calm and angered tones seems to have done nothing but get them more riled up. By lunch time yesterday I was openly yelling at them (in my car) that I had had enough and I don't want to be a multiple any more. I have had enough of the arguing and fighting and everything being my fault. I want to get out of here, I want time alone from everyone inside of here. I want to just spend a day without everyone around me.
 But of course that is not possible. We can not get out of the confines of the brain. We are always together, and we share so many of our thoughts and actions. It is something that gets so annoying. No private thoughts, not private moments when you can just think something through without someone commenting. Not having consistency in the day of who is going to be out, who will be next and will we remember the stuff we need to remember or will I be back out in two or three weeks and no one has done any of the things that needed to be done. It seems so futile to even wish for all these things, and I get so angry. But there is no where to run. No where to get away from everyone inside my head. No safe place to hide.