My inner Child.

This morning was not an easy morning. Yesterday had been a long day as I was awake at 4.30am until 9.30pm last night. I was hoping I would be able to get a good long sleep last night to catch up on what I had missed out on the night before. What I wasn't expecting was to sleep as long as I did. I had a lot of trouble waking up this morning. I ended up sleeping for  14 hours and could easily have slept for many more.
I knew when I had to get up to take my son to school it was not going to be easy and it took way more effort than I was expecting. You see this wasn't like normal tiredness, in fact I really didn't feel that tired. My mind was lost in the dream world. To me the dream world was far more real than the real world and it was also warm and peaceful and happy and everything within me wanted to stay there. I had been dreaming an interesting dream and I just didn't want to leave. I had to, of course, get my son off to school.
Once I got back home I headed straight for the bed again and was asleep again within a few minutes. Back in that world that I longed for so strongly. My husband came home about 11.30am and I had to get him to force me out of the bed. Again this wasn't tiredness, I didn't feel that sleepy, I just felt like I was lost in another place in  my mind and it was taking all my energy to get out. I could very well have stayed in bed for several more hours, but I have places I have to be today and things I need to do.
I struggled to get myself going and headed outside for some sunshine to try to help me 'wake up'. The world around me just seemed so ugly and uninviting. My dream world felt warm, safe, interesting and home. By this stage I knew that something was happening involving my alters, they are the only thing that make me feel like this. Disconnected from the real world, and I was actually seeing my house differently. Not how I usually see it, it looked less comforting, it looked messy, and like I really did not want to be here.

It took me a while of making myself keep moving and NOT  heading back to the bedroom before I found out what was happening. It was an alter. I presume a younger one, only because of what she said. She told me that every day I just get up and work and it was no fun. At least in her dream world it was a fun place to be and there wasn't any work to do. She had conveyed her message, made it very clear and then left. It is better to live in the fun of dream world than to be bored in the real world of an adult.  I can still feel her hanging around not far from the surface, but at least she is not in control at the moment. She is kind of right really. I do spend most days doing some kind of work. There is always washing, cleaning, gardening or my Dolls to work on and I never make time for the 'fun' things a child would like. I really don't make time for much fun at all. I enjoy making my dolls but obviously that is not enjoyed by every one inside. I think it is time to incorporate some colouring or drawing into my day, and maybe even some fun at the park.
I forget I have children inside and they don't want to live the adult life. It was easier when my sons were younger, I would spend time playing with them and it satisfied my internal children as well. Now they are teenagers I don't spend much time playing. I guess I need to spend more time entertaining my inner children and giving them play and fun.
One of the many joys of being a Multiple.

The Mentally Ill are scary

I am feeling much better today, than my last post. While I am still experiencing some dissociation,(not uncommon for me most days) mostly it is the anesthetic. I am feeling more connected to the world around me but I am still dealing with the fatigue. I have bought some St Mary's Thistle which will help my liver to clean out the anesthetic.
 I managed to go to Bridges today and socialize, which was great. It has been over a month since I was last there and I have been missing the interaction immensely.
Today is also exciting for me as my Blog has reached over 1000 page views. Thanks to everyone who is signing in to hear my ramblings. It is so great to know that people (other than those in my head) are interested in what I have to say.
Thanks again, I really appreciate your interest.

I have been reading a post  that Sarah put on her blog today, it is very helpful, and I decided to include it here. Should we be afraid of Psychotic people?
Sarah gives a great explanation of what life is like for these people and how it can often be hard to know what to do if some one like this is around you. We can all fear what we don't understand, and I confess that some of the 'strange' people at the bus stop who dress daggy and talk to themselves freak me out a bit. I hope they wont talk to me, what do I say to them, why cant they just be crazy somewhere else? I know that for people who have little understanding of mental illness, someone with DID is not that different from the 'crazies' at the bus stop. We don't know what this DID person is going to do, or say and then how do I react to them, its embarrassing and awkward. ( and yes there have been times when I talk to myself and I forget I am in public)
When I first told my family about my diagnosis there were, of course, mixed responses. One that shocked me the most came from my then 17 year old son who wanted to know if I was now going to attack him with a knife. He had been watching a movie about someone with DID killing people and getting away with it because they didn't remember doing it. He was genuinely concerned for his safety. The fact that I had lovingly raised him his whole life and I was just not even close to that sort of person didn't even enter into his mind. 'You have DID therefore you are dangerous' was all that he could think, because that is all he knew from bad representations in Hollywood films. He is fine with it all now, and understands that I have been DID most of my life and definitely all of his, so if I was going to knife him I would probably have done it by now. Most people I know with DID are much more likely to self harm in some way than to hurt others.
My point is that we all have some sort of prejudice against people with Mental illness. We all fear what we don't understand. We all wonder if that crazy person down the street is going to kill me because the voices told him too. But we don't have to. As Sarah says here, we can become part of the solution not the problem.

"Social support is one of the most crucial factors in the recovery and management of experiences like psychosis. When we are afraid and shun people with these experiences, we are the ones who set the stage for the possibility that some of them will become completely lost, walking labyrinths in their mind with no string to guide them home. The best way to reduce the risk of violence has always been to love. If you know someone who struggles with psychosis, don't be afraid. Be loving, trustworthy, compassionate, and wise. You are at no greater risk of being harmed by a strange neighbour who rants at people you can't see and wanders about barefoot in the small hours of the night, than you are from your perfectly normal seeming neighbour on the other side. If you remember that and you behave that way, you are part of the work to reduce the stigma and help people with these experiences to still feel part of the human race. That can only ever be a good thing. If you're serious about reducing the risk of violence, you will work to strengthen community and include people who experience psychosis."

We are all human and many of us have been through some incredibly hard times. Maybe that person you see is crazy is only reacting to the trauma they have been through and if you were in their shoes you too would be acting that way. We need compassion. In the past we used to lock the 'insane' in a mental hospital and do horrible things to them. We are not slightly more enlightened. We now call it what it is, a Mental Illness and we understand that these people are ill in the similar sort of way a diabetic gets ill. They have bad times and better times. Their illness can make them act strangely at times but in the end they are only after the exact same things as us, LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE. I am not suggesting giving them a hug, but sometimes a smile and not walking away might just help instead of hurt.


I highly recommend reading Sarah's post (the link is above) whether you are interested in Psychosis or not. It is a very interesting and informative view into life with a mental illness.

Anesthetics or Dissociation.

 I have had a bit of a hard time today getting over the affects of the anesthetic. I have suffered with fatigue and feeling rather vague. I haven't had much to do today so that has made it easier. I find at this time it is always hard to tell if it is the anesthetic or the dissociation that is causing me to be a bit vague. I have been feeling like I am not connected to the world and that I am living in my own world distant from others. Yes this is what I would guess to be a normal response to being sedated but it can also be dissociation. It is very hard to know what is what. What I have been through the last few days would definitely cause dissociation but so would anesthetic.
Tonight at dinner time I tried to break through to see if it really was dissociation. I could barely taste the food I was eating and I had no idea if I was getting full or not. I felt like I just wanted to go back to my room and sleep. I persisted and pushed through to a stage where I now have energy and feel much more alert. It is one of those joys of being a dissociative is not being quite sure weather you are still slightly drugged or  just off in your dissociation.