I had an out patient hospital procedure yesterday. All went well and I am currently resting at home.
As many of you will know I am not particularly good with hospitals. As a baby I had to undergo several operations on my cleft lip before the age of 3. I therefore have an alter we call 'Baby'.
Baby is so young she is preverbal, so cannot not communicate with words. When I was in hospital a few months ago I got my first chance to get to know Baby. She was very scared and didn't understand what was happening to her. I did my best to try and comfort her but there isn't much that can be done waiting to go into surgery, when you too are scared and really have no idea how to help this tiny alter who can't do much but lay there terrified.
This time I was expecting to have her come out and I had spent quite a bit of time before the procedure talking all my scared Alters through what was going to be happening. I had taken my soft toy and my hubby had stayed with me as long as I needed him too. Besides the last half hour before they came to get me, I actually felt reasonably calm and as yet hadn't seem much of Baby's arrival.
After the procedure I was tired and sore and it took them a while to feel ready to discharge me. I was home in my own bed by tea time, and due to only 3 hours sleep the night before, I was fast asleep in minutes.
I slept very soundly for several hours, not even moving a muscle. Hubby brought me some dinner later in the night which I ate but it didn't stay down long. Back to sleep again for several hours after more pain killers. This is where the fun began.
After sleeping soundly for hours I kept getting woken with my mouth making a strange sucking movement. I cant even replicate it now but it was persistent. I kept trying to go back to sleep but it kept waking me up. I would get up and go to the toilet, have a drink and try to sleep. I would doze but this sucking persisted. Eventually it occurred to me it was like what a baby would do if they were wanting a feed.
Ahh Baby. I got up and had a few crackers in the hope that would make her happy. Sure enough we went back to sleep for several hours after that. Again I was woken with this persistent sucking movement. She was hungry again. Some more crackers, a drink and pain killers and back to sleep. This went on several times.
At one stage I was feeling cold, yet physically quite warm. I have learned from past experience that this can mean an alter is cold even though I am not. I pulled on an extra blanket and woke my husband to give me some extra cuddles. By this stage I figured that Baby was probably also feeling in need of some reassurance and protection. After cuddles and the extra blankets we went back to sleep.
I woke several hours later not to the sucking movement this time but to a biting movement. Baby had figured out that crackers were what was getting served so she needed to bite not suck. Some more crackers and back to sleep. This process was repeated again later. When my hubby got up at about 6.30am Baby was still quite restless and the crackers weren't doing it any more. I felt like she needed more soothing. The biting action wasn't stopping and she wouldn't let me get back to sleep.
I was trying to think of what would sooth an unsettled baby. Fortunately I make baby dolls and had just the day before bought some dummies for them. I grabbed one and shoved it in my mouth in the hope Baby would find it comforting. It was not really the right size for an adult mouth but the action of sucking was comforting and I was back to sleep in no time. Baby stuck around for several more hours (I had about 15hours sleep in total) and when I finally woke up this morning I felt her switch away and I didn't need the dummy any more.
I did have alters arguing about getting her to switch back earlier, but I said I was happy for her to stay forward as she is not often out and never gets a chance to have her needs met.
I feel like it was a very special time I had with her, and that it was nice to be able to finally take care of this very scared little baby. I feel a special bond with her now, and while I don't have any more hospital trips planned, I hope that I can get to spend some more time with her. She is a very special quiet little one that just needs to feel safe. I am hoping I helped last night.
This must all sound very strange to those of you on the outside of my world, but inside it all makes perfect sense. Slowly I am getting to know more and more of my Alters and why they are here. I feel good. It is a very nice feeling.
14 April, 2012
08 April, 2012
Friends
Back home now for nearly a week and back into the routine. I do miss those relaxing days up north but at the same time there is something to be said for familiar surroundings.
I have had a fun few days socializing with friends. As I said in my Queensland post, it can be hard to socialize with others who do not know anything about my condition or even that I have it. Yesterday I went to a friends 30th birthday party. She knows of my Disorder but I have not discussed it in detail with her. I had my excuse ready if I couldn't cope with the party any more, and I felt comfortable that I could leave at any time. As it turned out some old friends were also there, so I spent most of my time catching up with them. I wasn't switching at all and I enjoyed the whole afternoon, and I didn't leave early.
The day before I had spent the afternoon with another great friend who also has issues with dissociation. We had a great time and I felt very relaxed. We (my alters) were not all in agreement on going to her house but in the end it was a good move.
I spend a lot of time at home, partly because of the boys, and partly because that is where I am most comfortable. I enjoy my time here. I have plenty to keep my occupied, and I am not often alone. (some might say with 20 odd alters in my head I am never alone) But I forget how good it can feel to spend time with friends. Good friends who accept me as I am (disorder and all) or friends who don't know about the disorder and so don't expect any different.
Being a multiple it can be hard to hang out with others. If I invite someone over, it is not uncommon for another Alter to be out when my guest arrives. This alter may not be interested in socializing at all, let alone with this invited guest. Part way through the visit something may trigger a change in alters and suddenly the event can take on a whole different feel. I have often found myself chatting with someone and suddenly be triggered and find an alter out that is tired and just wants to curl up in bed and talk to no one. The can be rather difficult 5 mins into the guests visit.
Because I often feel the need to be perfect around others, there is also always the post socializing analysis. That is dissecting every conversation I have had over the evening and recalling the reactions from those around me. Did I say the wrong thing, next time I should not have said that, maybe I wore the wrong outfit, maybe I am too fat and shouldn't have even gone anyway. Did they really like me or were they just politely tolerating me. This can go on for some time and as I am sure you can imagine there are plenty of alters on the inside who will chime in with their opinion. As I generally spend most of my time feeling unattractive and unliked, you can imagine that this analysis does not end well. It is a wonder that I even venture out the front door again.
Having others who go through the same thing is always a great help. I discussed some of these things with a friend who has DID the other day. It gave me so many answers to my own behaviour. Because I have been this way for most of my life I don't even realize that what I am doing is part of the disorder. I, as usual, think everyone thinks and feels as I do.
Thank you to my dear friend for the afternoon at your house. Our open and real conversations about our condition was not only hilariously funny but also amazingly healing.
And to my other friends who know about my disorder but accept me as I am, Thank you too. This is a hard journey but you all make it so much easier.
I have had a fun few days socializing with friends. As I said in my Queensland post, it can be hard to socialize with others who do not know anything about my condition or even that I have it. Yesterday I went to a friends 30th birthday party. She knows of my Disorder but I have not discussed it in detail with her. I had my excuse ready if I couldn't cope with the party any more, and I felt comfortable that I could leave at any time. As it turned out some old friends were also there, so I spent most of my time catching up with them. I wasn't switching at all and I enjoyed the whole afternoon, and I didn't leave early.
The day before I had spent the afternoon with another great friend who also has issues with dissociation. We had a great time and I felt very relaxed. We (my alters) were not all in agreement on going to her house but in the end it was a good move.
I spend a lot of time at home, partly because of the boys, and partly because that is where I am most comfortable. I enjoy my time here. I have plenty to keep my occupied, and I am not often alone. (some might say with 20 odd alters in my head I am never alone) But I forget how good it can feel to spend time with friends. Good friends who accept me as I am (disorder and all) or friends who don't know about the disorder and so don't expect any different.
Being a multiple it can be hard to hang out with others. If I invite someone over, it is not uncommon for another Alter to be out when my guest arrives. This alter may not be interested in socializing at all, let alone with this invited guest. Part way through the visit something may trigger a change in alters and suddenly the event can take on a whole different feel. I have often found myself chatting with someone and suddenly be triggered and find an alter out that is tired and just wants to curl up in bed and talk to no one. The can be rather difficult 5 mins into the guests visit.
Because I often feel the need to be perfect around others, there is also always the post socializing analysis. That is dissecting every conversation I have had over the evening and recalling the reactions from those around me. Did I say the wrong thing, next time I should not have said that, maybe I wore the wrong outfit, maybe I am too fat and shouldn't have even gone anyway. Did they really like me or were they just politely tolerating me. This can go on for some time and as I am sure you can imagine there are plenty of alters on the inside who will chime in with their opinion. As I generally spend most of my time feeling unattractive and unliked, you can imagine that this analysis does not end well. It is a wonder that I even venture out the front door again.
Having others who go through the same thing is always a great help. I discussed some of these things with a friend who has DID the other day. It gave me so many answers to my own behaviour. Because I have been this way for most of my life I don't even realize that what I am doing is part of the disorder. I, as usual, think everyone thinks and feels as I do.
Thank you to my dear friend for the afternoon at your house. Our open and real conversations about our condition was not only hilariously funny but also amazingly healing.
And to my other friends who know about my disorder but accept me as I am, Thank you too. This is a hard journey but you all make it so much easier.
03 April, 2012
Great news on intergration
There is a wonderful woman who I know who is also a multiple. She has been doing some great work with her therapist and making some big changes in her life. I don't know a lot about how her system works but she has told me a bit about who is there and some of their roles.
The other day she told me that one of her Alters had integrated. I find it so exciting as she is the first person I have known who has been through this experience and it was such a positive one the I felt really encouraged by it.
For those of you who don't know how it all works, I will do my best to explain it now.
When someone goes through trauma and gets DID their mind fractures into different parts , that we call Alters. These alters are separated by Dissociative barriers. These barriers prevent them from functioning together, sharing thoughts and skills, and in most cases will prevent them from knowing there are even other alters there. A bit like a house with different rooms and no one communicates with anyone not in their room.
Integration is when one or more of those walls or barriers comes down and the two alters can now become one and function together. They now share experiences, thoughts, actions, memories and emotions.
Integration is some times thought of as getting rid of alters, but I do not like what that can mean. It means that a part of you must disappear, and some alters will do just that for a time because they think it is what is wanted or needed. This does not lead to healing, merely confusion and feelings of insignificance. All our alters are a part of us and are here for a reason. They were formed to help deal with something we didn't know how to deal with. They are all a part of the whole and all equally important. Each alter has their own set of skills, memories and abilities, if we lose the alter we lose what they bring to the system.
Integration is about bringing all these skills, memories and knowledge together into one functioning human being, who can access these skills whenever they need or want.
One of the parts that fascinates me the most with my friends partial integration, is that she says she can now feel her alter with her all the time. She has access to the alters feelings and strengths, they are now hers. The two have become one and it is expanding her abilities and how she functions. I am so very proud of her and I am excited about the road ahead for all of us with DID. To have the chance to be one with all those inside me and to be able to share all their skills and knowledge with ease is a very exciting thing. I suspect a long way off, but who knows.
The other day she told me that one of her Alters had integrated. I find it so exciting as she is the first person I have known who has been through this experience and it was such a positive one the I felt really encouraged by it.
For those of you who don't know how it all works, I will do my best to explain it now.
When someone goes through trauma and gets DID their mind fractures into different parts , that we call Alters. These alters are separated by Dissociative barriers. These barriers prevent them from functioning together, sharing thoughts and skills, and in most cases will prevent them from knowing there are even other alters there. A bit like a house with different rooms and no one communicates with anyone not in their room.
Integration is when one or more of those walls or barriers comes down and the two alters can now become one and function together. They now share experiences, thoughts, actions, memories and emotions.
Integration is some times thought of as getting rid of alters, but I do not like what that can mean. It means that a part of you must disappear, and some alters will do just that for a time because they think it is what is wanted or needed. This does not lead to healing, merely confusion and feelings of insignificance. All our alters are a part of us and are here for a reason. They were formed to help deal with something we didn't know how to deal with. They are all a part of the whole and all equally important. Each alter has their own set of skills, memories and abilities, if we lose the alter we lose what they bring to the system.
Integration is about bringing all these skills, memories and knowledge together into one functioning human being, who can access these skills whenever they need or want.
One of the parts that fascinates me the most with my friends partial integration, is that she says she can now feel her alter with her all the time. She has access to the alters feelings and strengths, they are now hers. The two have become one and it is expanding her abilities and how she functions. I am so very proud of her and I am excited about the road ahead for all of us with DID. To have the chance to be one with all those inside me and to be able to share all their skills and knowledge with ease is a very exciting thing. I suspect a long way off, but who knows.
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