Hi everyone,
I haven't been blogging much lately as it has been a bit hectic here. We have had 3 baby Cockatiels I have had to be feeding, one of them every 2-3hours, so as you can imagine I haven't had much spare time. We are in the middle of summer school holidays, so the boys are home most days. Less quiet time in the house too.
This morning I have an empty house and all birds are fed. I have been on the waiting list for an operation and I finally got the call for it the other day. I am due to have surgery on Wednesday all going well. While it is great news there has been a lot of work with my therapist to help me get there. I have had many operations over the years, four before the age of 2, so I am familiar with how it goes, but I have a very strong fear of recovery. That first hour after the surgery while I am trying to wake up has been a very hard and scary time for me. I liken the experience to trying to wake up from one of those dreams when my alters are talking to me and the dream state is far more real than reality. I really struggle to wake up and to understand what has happened. I am not sure how much alter activity is involved and if there is switching, in that a new alter is forward when I wake up and may not know what is happening. I find it very upsetting just thinking about it. I have done a lot of therapy about it and am feeling a lot better. Hopefully all will go well.
There is of course the dilemma of whether or not to disclose my DID to the medical staff. It may help them handle me if I switch or have troubles, but there is also a lot of stigma surrounding DID and Mental illness in general. I am generally quite open with my diagnosis, but I am still not sure. I guess I will take it as it comes.
Hopefully I will blog again before the operation, but if not I will keep you informed with how it all turns out.
12 January, 2012
07 January, 2012
One face, many voices.
Today has been a very hard day. I had my first appointment with my Therapist for 2012 today, and it went well, but....
I am currently in the process of applying to the government for financial assistance. In order to do this I must show them how sick I really am. I have an interview on Monday with someone from that department to access my ability to work. Today my therapist wrote a letter of recommendation for me to assist in the process. We worked on it together. She asked me to list the symptoms I experience regularly, these she included in the letter.
Although these symptoms are of course nothing new to me,( I live them every day) it was very upsetting to see them listed in such a way. I guess ultimately I live a level of denial about the symptoms I experience as well. I know I have the disorder, I know it disrupts my day to day life and how I function, but the depth of it really doesn't sink in until times like this. Its like taking all my worst features and laying them down in black and white for all to see, and it sounds terrible. I sound sick.
OK, I have a serious disorder and will be receiving treatment for it for many years to come, but for me this is the only life I know. I don't know what it is like to not hear voices in your head every day. I don't know how people go through a day with their own private thoughts and feelings and no one interrupts to tell them they are wrong or to decide to take over.
My life is not my own, neither is my body or my thoughts. Every waking moment I share them with over 15 other people who have their own desires and opinions. It is never quiet, and not often easy. But to me this is life. I am not one, I am many, and together we function in this body the best we know how. Perhaps that is the biggest thing for me to remember...I AM MANY! I appear as one but that has nothing to do with the truth. To function together everyday is a challenge, a big challenge. The smallest things can be the hardest things to master. What to wear, what to eat, what to do? Are all questions that need to be to some degree agreed on by the group. ( or at least whom ever is near the surface at the time) I have stood in my kitchen and cried over wanting to eat a tuna sandwich for lunch that another alter could not stomach. Some days it all gets too hard, many days, I give up and do nothing or eat nothing as it is easier than the fight.
I am confused as to what I am supposed to be doing in a day, I often take my cues from others around me. Voices chattering in my head about what they think or want. Things I am supposed to listen to but haven't heard because I have not taken time away from life to catch what they say. Feeling nauseated or terrified for no apparent reason, but knowing it comes from someone inside and if you work hard at it, it may subside..in a day or two.
This is normal to me. I have lived this way all my life. I cant imagine being any other way. To me this is normal, it only seems strange to others.....and sometimes to me, as I begin to see the truth of what my life has become.
I am currently in the process of applying to the government for financial assistance. In order to do this I must show them how sick I really am. I have an interview on Monday with someone from that department to access my ability to work. Today my therapist wrote a letter of recommendation for me to assist in the process. We worked on it together. She asked me to list the symptoms I experience regularly, these she included in the letter.
Although these symptoms are of course nothing new to me,( I live them every day) it was very upsetting to see them listed in such a way. I guess ultimately I live a level of denial about the symptoms I experience as well. I know I have the disorder, I know it disrupts my day to day life and how I function, but the depth of it really doesn't sink in until times like this. Its like taking all my worst features and laying them down in black and white for all to see, and it sounds terrible. I sound sick.
OK, I have a serious disorder and will be receiving treatment for it for many years to come, but for me this is the only life I know. I don't know what it is like to not hear voices in your head every day. I don't know how people go through a day with their own private thoughts and feelings and no one interrupts to tell them they are wrong or to decide to take over.
My life is not my own, neither is my body or my thoughts. Every waking moment I share them with over 15 other people who have their own desires and opinions. It is never quiet, and not often easy. But to me this is life. I am not one, I am many, and together we function in this body the best we know how. Perhaps that is the biggest thing for me to remember...I AM MANY! I appear as one but that has nothing to do with the truth. To function together everyday is a challenge, a big challenge. The smallest things can be the hardest things to master. What to wear, what to eat, what to do? Are all questions that need to be to some degree agreed on by the group. ( or at least whom ever is near the surface at the time) I have stood in my kitchen and cried over wanting to eat a tuna sandwich for lunch that another alter could not stomach. Some days it all gets too hard, many days, I give up and do nothing or eat nothing as it is easier than the fight.
I am confused as to what I am supposed to be doing in a day, I often take my cues from others around me. Voices chattering in my head about what they think or want. Things I am supposed to listen to but haven't heard because I have not taken time away from life to catch what they say. Feeling nauseated or terrified for no apparent reason, but knowing it comes from someone inside and if you work hard at it, it may subside..in a day or two.
This is normal to me. I have lived this way all my life. I cant imagine being any other way. To me this is normal, it only seems strange to others.....and sometimes to me, as I begin to see the truth of what my life has become.
02 January, 2012
The new year
Hi everyone, welcome to 2012, lets all hope and pray it is a good year.
I am feeling better today. I finally figured out that I needed to spend more time having fun, doing the things I enjoy. Once I did that it took me 2 days to figure out what those fun things were and get into doing them. sounds silly to some I guess, but I am so used to just getting the jobs done that I forget that there is more to life than work. I have taken the dog to the beach several times which she loves, and spent a fair whack of time watching United States of Tara with my son. He is 13 and loves it, so do I, so it is a good bonding time for us. I haven't had a stomach ache since early yesterday. YAY! Much better.
On the subject of United States of Tara, I know there is a lot of controversy over how it portrays people with DID. I can see there are many areas it doesn't cover and it pigeon holes multiples a bit, but all in all I think it is helping to get information out there and that is not all bad. I often use it to help people understand my condition. I make it clear that we are all different and that is not how we all work and live. But I believe it is a good base to start and then if they want to know more they can. This is the first season Trailer here from you tube in case you don't know what it is.
I am feeling better today. I finally figured out that I needed to spend more time having fun, doing the things I enjoy. Once I did that it took me 2 days to figure out what those fun things were and get into doing them. sounds silly to some I guess, but I am so used to just getting the jobs done that I forget that there is more to life than work. I have taken the dog to the beach several times which she loves, and spent a fair whack of time watching United States of Tara with my son. He is 13 and loves it, so do I, so it is a good bonding time for us. I haven't had a stomach ache since early yesterday. YAY! Much better.
On the subject of United States of Tara, I know there is a lot of controversy over how it portrays people with DID. I can see there are many areas it doesn't cover and it pigeon holes multiples a bit, but all in all I think it is helping to get information out there and that is not all bad. I often use it to help people understand my condition. I make it clear that we are all different and that is not how we all work and live. But I believe it is a good base to start and then if they want to know more they can. This is the first season Trailer here from you tube in case you don't know what it is.
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