We're trying to get settled in our new house, Christmas is only weeks away and we feel so broken. To much hard work. But we want to scream..... look at me, we count to, see me, I'm important too. When does the universe cut us some slack. I just want it to be easy. Just for once in my life.
It's with mixed emotions that I write today. I had lunch today with my two beautiful children. Now adults, at 20 and 25 years old. They are living lives I am incredibly proud of. They both have autism, which has challenges for them both in different ways. They both work and have friends and live out of home. They are happy and have their own pursuits and passions that they follow. I could not hope for more for them. I am more than proud.
Several years ago when I broke contact with the last of my family members, my mother, my kids wanted to maintain contact with her. They have done that. I see her as no real threat to their safety. But as I watch them live the lives I am envious of, the life we could never have lived, I see their relationship with my mother getting stronger. My son spends more time with her than me. At times so does my daughter. If I want time with them over Christmas, I have to organise it early so she doesn't take the time I want.
Our life as a group is changing so much. We will not be driving for much longer, as it is, we currently only drive locally. We can't afford, holidays, fancy things. We live a very simple life with few friends and people we feel we can trust. We are constantly looking over our shoulder, hoping we are safe. We lose days to flashbacks, body pains, and energy lows when we are bed ridden. We are many after all. It is not an easy life at the best of times.
What hurts the most is knowing that one of the people who made us this way, who helped to willingly break us beyond repair, is living the life we can only imagine. What's more, she's doing it with our children. She walks free in this world to be exactly who she wants, and we fight for every day to be alive. We still have days where we consider ending it all. There are so many days it all gets to hard and we just want to live a normal life. We haven't of course, because we don't want that legacy for our children. Our love for them is greater than our wish for release.
But it is hard, incredibly hard to see the guilty walk free while we fight for every breathe.
I know it's been the longest time since we have been on here. There have been so many things happening, both inside and outside. None of us have really felt like sharing. We have changed therapists , and learnt so much more about how to cope in this new world we are living in. Learning to live free from a lifetime of control is not as easy as it seems. There are so many things about normal human behaviour that we were never taught. Love being one of those things. We are blessed to have a wonderful person in our life to patiently lead us along this path. But it is truly hard work, not only in practice but also to understand the concept of true unconditional love.
Trust is another tough one, man that's hard. Just when you think you've got it, it slips away.
We are finally moving into a word that offers us more hope of a future than the past ever did. But we are also learning a lot about how we became who we are. That journey is heartbreaking. The truth has been hidden under survival skills for so long, it is hard to recognise it when we see it, and even harder to accept. Realising that those who should love and protect you most are the ones who did the damage takes time and tears and heartache to process.
To my parents if you are reading this, please know that your insistence that you 'didn't do anything,' is a serious admission of guilt. It is your supposed, 'not doing anything', that let us get to the level of DID that is so severe only a few specialist around the world will even consider taking it on to treat. You neglected our safety and failed to protect us from severe ongoing abuse. That is your job as parents. Where were you when we needed you most? You are not innocent, wether you admit to it or not, and unfortunately you had way to many accomplices . I don't know what you have gained from this sadistic behaviour, but it has cost us a lot. Not that you would care. But at least we do now.
