We were not made to be alone in this world. We were made to belong to someone, to be what they want us to be. After two failed marriages and countless relationships we know how easy it is to lose ourselves to our partner. We lose who we are and become who they want or need us to be. This is the first time in years we have been free to be us. We are trying our best to stay single. Trying to make the most of our freedom, but it is way harder than it seems. It's not just the loneliness that is hard, it's more than that. It's also about having someone to give us direction and purpose. Perhaps it's the same for everyone, i don't know, but i find myself floundering through the day not knowing who to listen to or what to do. So many voices from inside all with ideas of what we need to get done, it things they want to do. Rarely to they agree. I find myself drawn from one task to another, lost in a whirlwind of instructions, rarely feeling settled in any i choose.
We miss our children lately. All of them, the ones we have now and the ones we have lost. It is weighing heavily on us. We want to spend so much time with our last two, to somehow try and fill the gap. I guess it's morning for those we lost, it's doesn't seem to help much. We just want to hold our little ones in our arms. Hold them so tight and never let them go. We want so desperately to see them and to know they are ok. I guess in a way that makes us feel more alone.
06 November, 2016
04 November, 2016
DID versus Programmed DID
Tonight I want to talk about the differences between DID and DID in mind control/programming.
There are some distinct differences and when it comes to healing those differences grow even larger.
As we know DID ( Dissociative Identity Disorder) is a very normal reaction and safety mechanism when a child is in a very abnormal and abusive situation. With DID the child finds a way to continue living in situations that seem unlivable. It is the best way to cope with the trauma they are going through, and in most cases it proves to be a very helpful and successful mechanism for survival.
Inside parts (Alters) are made as the child needs them to handle a new situation. The severity and length of the abuse will affect how many Alters the child will need.
Programmed DID, has its roots in the same concept, What the child needs to survive the unimaginable. However, the key difference here, is that many of these Alters are intentionally made by the abuser/s. That s right, these people know that the child's mind with split under certain circumstances, so they set it up to make the child have the alters they want the child to have. They torture a child to make them split and then they continue to rape and torture the child to programme that Alter to do certain things. I won't go into the process of programming because it can be quite traumatic ( apparently it is something like the programming they used in the recent movie Captain America Civil War..if you have seen it, I have not...I was warned it was too triggering. I am hoping to one day.). The key point is that it is not always the child choosing who to split into and who this Alter will be. The child is not the one who decides the function this alter will have in the system, it is the Abuser, and he/she does it for his/her own benefit. If they want the child to be a sex toy or prostitute, they will make the new Alter into exactly that.
In the programmed DID brain there are many many Alters who are created for the Abusers needs, not that of the child. They are not there to help the child to survive, they are there to help the Abuser achieve whatever they want. Basically they are trying to make small human robots, to do their bidding. Because their plans are so complex and wrong, they do not want to be discovered, so they must include many other programs and Alters in the system to help protect what they have done. Even years after the abuse has ended and the survivor seems free, these programs can kick in and change the survivor's life forever. ( and Yes these people do think this far in advance).
We have Programmed DID, and as we continue on our healing journey we become even more aware of the challenges ahead of us. It's not just about our Therapist getting to know our Alters and helping them to find new things to do within the system. It's not just about heading towards integration. Its not even about trying to get everyone in the system to work together to make it easier to function in adulthood. Programmed DID is much more complex than that. It is set up so that you will not be able to find your way around inside. It has 'booby' traps set, in that if you get to close to a truth, programmes will be set off and you will be sent on a wild goose chase following flashbacks or losing memories or time. Other programs can be set off the make the survivor go back to the abusers or try to hurt or kill themselves. It is like walking through a minefield never knowing where the next step will take you. There are hundreds of Alters, all with their own trauma and abuse, all with their own story they need to heal from, and many with secret hidden agenders that no one else may know about. It, by its very nature, is designed to not be figured out. It is designed to hold secrets that even the other Alters have no idea exist.
I have heard of several very strong systems who have managed to work their way through all of this to healing. I do not know any of them personally. I know of a specialist overseas who knows how to treat this type of DID and has written books to help others. I have all her books. To stand and see the road ahead is to feel overwhelmed. Most of the time we truly wonder if we can make it, but we are reminded by some very supportive friends that we must keep trying. It feels as if this is just one blow after another and that somehow we do truly live a cursed life. I do not know the meaning of life or why we are here going through all this. Most of the time we want to give up. It has been a very long and hard life. For now we have people who need us and so we are here.
There are some distinct differences and when it comes to healing those differences grow even larger.
As we know DID ( Dissociative Identity Disorder) is a very normal reaction and safety mechanism when a child is in a very abnormal and abusive situation. With DID the child finds a way to continue living in situations that seem unlivable. It is the best way to cope with the trauma they are going through, and in most cases it proves to be a very helpful and successful mechanism for survival.
Inside parts (Alters) are made as the child needs them to handle a new situation. The severity and length of the abuse will affect how many Alters the child will need.
Programmed DID, has its roots in the same concept, What the child needs to survive the unimaginable. However, the key difference here, is that many of these Alters are intentionally made by the abuser/s. That s right, these people know that the child's mind with split under certain circumstances, so they set it up to make the child have the alters they want the child to have. They torture a child to make them split and then they continue to rape and torture the child to programme that Alter to do certain things. I won't go into the process of programming because it can be quite traumatic ( apparently it is something like the programming they used in the recent movie Captain America Civil War..if you have seen it, I have not...I was warned it was too triggering. I am hoping to one day.). The key point is that it is not always the child choosing who to split into and who this Alter will be. The child is not the one who decides the function this alter will have in the system, it is the Abuser, and he/she does it for his/her own benefit. If they want the child to be a sex toy or prostitute, they will make the new Alter into exactly that.
In the programmed DID brain there are many many Alters who are created for the Abusers needs, not that of the child. They are not there to help the child to survive, they are there to help the Abuser achieve whatever they want. Basically they are trying to make small human robots, to do their bidding. Because their plans are so complex and wrong, they do not want to be discovered, so they must include many other programs and Alters in the system to help protect what they have done. Even years after the abuse has ended and the survivor seems free, these programs can kick in and change the survivor's life forever. ( and Yes these people do think this far in advance).
We have Programmed DID, and as we continue on our healing journey we become even more aware of the challenges ahead of us. It's not just about our Therapist getting to know our Alters and helping them to find new things to do within the system. It's not just about heading towards integration. Its not even about trying to get everyone in the system to work together to make it easier to function in adulthood. Programmed DID is much more complex than that. It is set up so that you will not be able to find your way around inside. It has 'booby' traps set, in that if you get to close to a truth, programmes will be set off and you will be sent on a wild goose chase following flashbacks or losing memories or time. Other programs can be set off the make the survivor go back to the abusers or try to hurt or kill themselves. It is like walking through a minefield never knowing where the next step will take you. There are hundreds of Alters, all with their own trauma and abuse, all with their own story they need to heal from, and many with secret hidden agenders that no one else may know about. It, by its very nature, is designed to not be figured out. It is designed to hold secrets that even the other Alters have no idea exist.
I have heard of several very strong systems who have managed to work their way through all of this to healing. I do not know any of them personally. I know of a specialist overseas who knows how to treat this type of DID and has written books to help others. I have all her books. To stand and see the road ahead is to feel overwhelmed. Most of the time we truly wonder if we can make it, but we are reminded by some very supportive friends that we must keep trying. It feels as if this is just one blow after another and that somehow we do truly live a cursed life. I do not know the meaning of life or why we are here going through all this. Most of the time we want to give up. It has been a very long and hard life. For now we have people who need us and so we are here.
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