A Step On The Road To Healing

Everyone wants to be heard, and the same applies to alters. For years they have carried the secrets of what was done to them. They were not permitted to tell because it was not safe. As we move away from the abuse, and to a place where we feel safer, the alters feel safer too. They begin to want to tell their side of the story. We have been having flashbacks about the same situation for a few weeks now. Last night we had it again while Diamonds was with us. With her support and understanding we were able to talk it through. Once Diamonds had heard what this distressed little alter wanted to say, the flashback stopped and we felt calm and peaceful again. Telling all of us on the inside isn't enough, she needed the secret to come out so she didn't have to carry it any more. As hard as it was to go through, in the end we felt a closer connection to this little alter who had taken this abuse and trauma when we couldn't, and we thanked her for what she has done. This is definitely a step on the road to healing.

Distressed Alters.

Sorry we haven't been on for a while, especially after the last few posts. We had a friend ring us after he saw them, to see if we were ok. It was very sweet. What we didn't get to tell him, was that in the years that he has known us, we have felt this way thousands of times. He has just never realised before. Distress like that comes from an alter or two who feel very upset. Generally though, the next day we have switched to someone who does not feel that level of distress, and all seems ok again and life goes on. It is a cycle we have been doing as far back as we can remember. Yes the distress is real, and the pain is very real, but it generally only lasts for a time, and then less distressed alters take over.

Screaming (triggering)

Are we to damaged to live this life, too broken to be healed. Will we see beyond this future. Is there truly hope of a new day or is it merely today disguised as a new beginning. We are screaming inside but can anyone hear us. They only see our smile and believe it is the truth. We are dying, can we be saved? Is it worth the effort or do we just give up now. Screaming hear me, save me, want me, LOVE ME! Are we worthy of love, truly worthy? What have we done that life deals us this hand. Who did we curse? I wish our eyes would close and we wouldn't have to face the world again. Screaming so loud. When does it pass?

Wild Horses.

I've been feeling this a lot the last 2 days. The need to be free of my DID, of the confusion and complications its brings. To run/live with out a care of the horrors of this life. Its hard and I get tired of the fight. Some days we just have to wonder if it is worth it all, I know that if it wasn't for my kids it would be a decision I could and would consider more closely. I cant leave then with the legacy of a suicidal parent. I don't want to do any more damage than I already have. For them alone we will keep going but some days it just seems so hard to live, and fight and be. To not be broken and hurt.

In or out

How do you choose? The people in the world around you, or the ones who are have always been with you and kept you alive through unimaginable horror. We all get so connected to people in our lives, we fall in love, we share our lives and we decide who we want to share those lives with. But what happens when we are multiple and those on the inside do not get along with those on the outside. How do you choose? It may seen easy, just don't have them out when the person is there, but DID is never that easy. Decisions like this are going on every day...they are just hard.

Leaving it all behind?

One of the things I find hardest about having DID and a trauma history, is that people forget that we cant leave it behind. There are so many ways for  people to say leave the past in the past. And I agree that has merit. There are times when things should be left in the past, issues do not have to be carried on for years But I feel that unfortunately having DID and the trauma that caused it cannot always be left in the past. I will not get up tomorrow morning and get on with my day and forget the trauma. Every time there is a voice in my head, a switch, and argument over what to wear or eat, a head ache from too much switching, any of the thousands of little signs of DID, I am reminded why I am this way and that everyday if a fight to survive. It is not easy and I find it so exhausting. The constant energy it takes to sort out what is going on in my head and deal with the emotions that flow at will, the flashbacks that take a fun situation into trauma again. The head aches, the alters who just want to bitch all day about what a terrible job I am doing. Having to climb over that just to get out of bed in the morning and then keep on top of it throughout the day and go on as if I am a normal person living in a world I created. My trauma is with me EVERY day. There are just some parts I CANNOT leave behind and I don't know i ever will. Who I am has been transformed by what happened to me. I will never be the same and every day is a fight to survive. But yes we keep going, because that is what we know.

ill

Iknow I havbent been post ing much lately, I have been quite ill. I have had a nasty dose of tincillitis and then just as I recovered from that my son caught a virus which he proceeded to share with me. It has been just over 2 weeks of not being at my normal selves. I thought I would post today a video my girlfriend made for me. Hope you like it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0w-BOsij5G4