Please dont be so nice to me.

I have been born with stubborn unruly frizzy curly hair. I have spent most of my life fighting and hating it. About 2years ago I had the available funds to get it permanently straightened. I was in love. for nearly 2 years I have had hair I can brush and style. Hair that moves and flicks back off my shoulders. (those of you with curly hair will I am sure know where I am coming from.) Due to my current employment situation, i.e. being on the pension, I can no longer afford this expensive treatment. I was faced with the reality of going back to the hair I dreaded.
 Trust me this going somewhere, it is not just a whinge about my hair.
A friend convinced me to come into her salon and that together we could come up with a style that I would love. Up to now this is a relatively simple discussion on hair. But from here it is were it gets interesting. As a multiple, there were many voices wanting input on the change. The general consensus was that we had little choice so lets go for it. Some of us have curly hair so it seemed right that the body did too, others of us have straight so that was better. Ultimately money had to win.
I went in yesterday and got it done. Now as you may know, physical touching can be a problem for multiples, so a hair cut can be fraught with difficulty. We were prepared and had gone there with the right alter/alters forward to make us feel safe and protected. If we are prepared it is often not too much of a big deal.
The hair dressing went well, although quite a change from what we have had for hair in quite a while. (This alone is going to take some of us quite a while for some of us to adjust to).
Then it happened. My friend, being a caring person she is, was nice to me. I mean really nice. In the busy salon she took time to come close to me and tell me how I needed to take care of myself and spend time on me. That I had been though a lot ( she has no idea of my DID or trauma history) and that I deserved some special treatment. It was very sweet of her and very thoughtful.
It was also devastating on my system. We were not prepared for that. Physical contact AND being nice to me. That was more than I could cope with. By the time I reached my car everyone inside was screaming. We really needed time alone, and everyone wanted to head home to try and deal with it all. I was desperate to get to Bridges and knew if I went home I would never make it there on time. So I drove on the Bridges, fighting the very strong urge to dissociate and or go to sleep. By the time I reached Bridges I was a bit of a mess. My hands were shaking, my head was a mess of confused talking and I felt light headed and tired. Fortunately this behaviour is nothing new in Bridges and I had plenty of time to relax in the group until I felt better.
By the time I left I was much more stable but still a bit drained. When I got home I headed to bed for a rest and an early nights sleep. This morning I was up, at a reasonable time to take my son to work and the dog for a walk. By midday I was home and still feeling like I had been hit by a bus. I got back into bed and slept for 5 hours.
I still feel a bit average, and expect I will be in bed early again tonight.

The long and the short of this whole thing is that, it is the unexpected little things that can throw us multiples into chaos. Simple caring words, have knocked me out for 2 days. I am not saying you should never be nice to a multiple, that is silly, You may never know when it is a good time to say stuff. This is merely and insight into how I and many multiples work.

I just can't do it.

I have had a fun day so far today, and I wanted to share my multiple experience with you today. As you probablly already know we all have parts. The part of us all that works, the part that does the house work, the part that does the hobby, and in singletons those parts can mix and mingle and change amoungst each other without too much bother.

With Multiples it is quite different. Today I attended my first Doll making social group. I was quite nervous about it, but ended up having a great time. I left the group feeling happy and very social as I had enjoyed meeting the other ladies and sharing ideas about doll making. I decided to head down the beach to have some lunch and go for a walk on the jetty while I made the most of the elated mood I was in. I felt confident and happy. After my walk and lunch I headed home. Driving was difficult as my eyes seemed suddenly very short sighted and I had left my glasses at home. Part way home I switched alters and I could see better but still not brilliantly. Once I got home I ofcourse had home things to do and think about, the only problem was that the doll group alter couldnt do these things. I couldn't focus well and my mind was stuck on the group. As I tryed to get on with the simplest things at home, the alter just kept saying 'I can't do it, I can't do it". She was not able to do the home things at all eventually we switched, and now I am in home mode. I am able to go on the computer and type this, I am able to deal with cleaning up some mess, but I have lost that confident happy feeling I had before.
It is this that makes one of the big diferences between multiples and singletons. Each alter serves a function and outside of that they cannot do any thing much else. It sounds silly but they do not have the ablity to do even the simple things like cleaning. We do not go between functions well and we much switch between alters to achieve tasks other achieve without thought. As that switching happens, memories can be lost and moods and emotions change. We cant always switch back unless we are in the same situation that brought that alter out in the first place. i.e. I would probably have to go back to doll group or think about it for a while to bring that alter back to the front.
All of this just because we changd activity. It can get so complicating and confusing. It can also get frustrating when you go from an elated mood to a more depressed mood.

Still going!!

Well, I lived. No car crashes, no falling pianos, no death or dismemberment on my Birthday. It was actually a really good day. I had a great lunch with my Mum and son, and go totally spoiled. I spent the afternoon with mum doing some fun shopping and then back home for dinner with my hubby and other sons.
On Friday some of the Bridges crew come over for a homemade pizza night. My husband made awesome pizzas and we talked, laughed and cried until 4am. All in all, one of the best Birthdays I can remember.

Birthday

Today is my birthday. No, I am not telling you how old I am, that would be hard to do anyway. The body is one age but almost on one inside is that age. We generally hover about 10 years younger than the body age.
I find birthdays and interesting time. I don't know if my expectations for the day are too high, but I find most birthdays very disappointing. I am also experiencing that impending doom feeling today. It is my Birthday so something bad is going to happen. I was very careful driving my son to school today as I was sure I was going to have a car crash and didn't want to spend my birthday in hospital. (or damage my car). Apparently the feeling of impending doom is very common amongst trauma survivors. The happier I feel the more likely my life is going to end.
On the subject of the car, I wanted to mention something I don't think I have mentioned on here before. It is very common amongst multiples. I am generally the only one who drives my car. My husband has his own and there is no one else in the house with a license. It is not uncommon to get into the car and find the seat in the wrong place, or the mirrors need adjusting, not because someone else was in my car, but because another alter was driving my car. Yes my body is the same size, and no my legs don't grow and shrink, but depending on who is in control depends on how the body functions in its surrounding environment.
I got into my car yesterday and felt so small, like the seat was miles back and I couldn't reach the steering wheel properly.  I even had trouble knowing how hard to press the brake without making it stop too suddenly. I adjusted the seat and got comfy and off I went. Not too much time later I must have switched back and had to readjust the seat and mirrors again. Instead of feeling small I felt back to my normal size and needed it all back the way it was.

It is quite common amongst multiples who drive to have to adjust the mirrors regularly depending on who is driving.
Just another fun fact about multiplicity.
Anyway, I am off to get ready to go out to lunch with some of my family. I will let you know how my day turns out. If I live through it. ha ha ha

Multiple relationships

I have spent a fair bit of time lately hanging out with Multiples over the last week. As I spend more and more time with others like me, I come to realize how much I am like them and not like singletons. I realize that no matter how much I try to explain to singletons how my head or life works, it never seems to come close to really conveying the message. The little idiosyncrasies that multiples have, the in jokes that we understand. How are head works in so much of an 'us' and 'we' state and not 'I'. It is like it is a different world and although we try so very hard to be 'normal' our world is so very different. The simplest things are run by multiple minds. How did this money get in my purse? What is in the parcel being delivered to my door and when did I order it?
There are so many desires we all have as alters. One of us loves to sew, some like art, one of us would love to be a mechanic and restore old cars. Another loves high finance and money deals. We have the gardener, the teacher, the student, poet, adventurer, psychologist. No wonder we could never really decide on one thing to do as a career. It is a balance every day to let the alters their own time and fun activities. It is also a balance dealing with Singletons who do not understand our changing moods and desires. How we can be full of beans one minute and dead tired the next, and no we cant just snap out of it. One person can be our best friend one minute and someone we cant stand the sight of the next. It is easier to associate with other multiples, and it is more than just our mutual understanding. There is a different dynamic when you don't have to explain everything to the other person, and that so many things go without saying.
I don't even know if I could explain to my closest family how my head works sometimes, without them being highly offended. Its not personal its just how it works when there are 20 odd people in your head. While I as one alter may have chosen to be friends with you, that is not to say all of us are. Some of us may quite honestly dislike you. Choosing a life partner and or getting married carries its own challenges. Not every one inside is attracted to this person. Some don't consider themselves married.     To truly be myself (ourselves) I feel we have to be either alone or with other multiples who can accept and know how to deal with the changes that happen.

Multiples

Hi Everyone, once again I haven't posted on here in a while. I think it is the wrong alters forward to do the writing. No one seems to want to share to much on here at the moment. 

I have had an interesting week. I saw a Psychiatrist for the first time this week. I have never seen one before so it was quite nerve racking. He didn't waste any time asking some of the deeper questions. I left his office feeling quite positive about the experience but feeling very exposed and raw. I will be back to see him again next week.

 He has dealt with many multiples before so I am hoping he will have a bit of insight into my disorder. My psychologist is sort of learning with me as I am the first multiple she has ever treated. When it comes to educating our medical professionals, very little time is spent on DID or even dissociation for that matter, so practitioners tend to learn most of what they need to know, on the job or through attending conferences on the subject. If a therapist never encounters a multiple in their practice, they may never grasp even the fundamentals of the Disorder. Fortunately there is increasing understanding of the need for such training and slowly, very slowly things are changing. But as Multiples we still live in the realm of the twilight zone, we exist but not really.

The other day, my wonderful friend Sarah, who I often mention here, came out on her blog as a multiple. It is a very interesting post which I will not even begin to try to summarize here. I highly recommend checking out if you are interested in Sarah's thoughts on the subject and how Multiples can be seen. Sarah's blog

I have also added a Poem today written by Sarah a few years ago. It captures so many of the tormented feelings I hold too. The sense of helplessness and darkness, and at the end the small comfort the outside world can give.

 Poem - Rage of the broken ones

Posted: 05 Jun 2012 06:00 PM PDT

From March 2009 Journal
 

Such sweetness and
a delicate dream of safety.

f**k safety.
I'm a freak
does my nakedness
not terrify you?
don't tell me
how sacred this is
It can never be free
of darkness
for such as I.

I want to taste your sweat
hold me and
hear my soul screaming
don't turn away
face it
face the darkness and 
the horror of it
the blood and
the shadows under the bed
the memories that
never quite fade
the nightmares like
gin traps waiting each night
stalking and hunting my soul.

Howl with me
paint blood on your face
my demented soldier
come join my war
just don't try to tell me
it's all okay
it's all okay now
it's all in the past
don't tell me
you don't
see it too.

Don't tell me its pretty
let me see the fire in your eyes
taste the acid of my rage
do I scare you?
do I disgust you?
I will take you down
where the shadows are
where the nightmares sleep
where the broken things
lie in pain.

You cannot make this better.

But you can hold me.
But you can
let me scream.

Update.

Just a quick update on how I am going. My wonderful husband has decided to share his cold with me so I have not been feeling the best. I have also got an eye infection. Hubby is also home with twisted cartilage in his knee. The bonus of it all is that my alters are mostly pretty quiet. I have been able to focus on getting better and helping hubby, without too much from my alters.
Thankfully the anger I have been feeling lately has subsided for now, allowing me to sleep better.
I don't usually cope well with being sick, and it can often set everyone in my head off, and they can be quite unsettled. For now we are doing OK.

The reality of child abuse (may trigger)

I am feeling very angry and lost today. I feel like life has lost its impact.
I am angry because I wake up after nights of not sleeping well. After nights of dreaming of ritual child sex abuse that I am part of. I wake up with a screaming head ache from clenching my teeth all night. I spend my days living is some dissociated dream where I feel disconnected from the world around me. I am confused at the life I have lived and how I got this way. I am SO VERY VERY ANGRY at the selfish bastards who did this to me. Is their life this way! I hate them, I want to scream at them, I want to hurt them!! I want them to know my pain! I want them to know what it is like to NEVER feel safe, to always hate who you are and what you have become. To always feel numb and somehow alone in a world of people. To feel there is an allusive life you have lived, in which you were brutally raped and murdered. That you can not remember and spend every day both trying to find and forget. I hate being this way. I don't want  to hide their secrets. They were not good men, and the world should know.
But no one wants to hear. "These are not the things we talk of". "Shhh, we know it wasn't good but it wasn't that bad surely". " I think you must be exaggerating".

Just so you know, I have NEVER even come close to exaggerating what happened to me. I have never even told the whole story. I am not sure that you as an adult could even handle the truth if I told it.
It is something we do not like to discuss in our society, we pretend it doesn't happen. "yes children get hurt but it cant be THAT bad." "Those sorts of people don't exist do they? surely not!" Those statements are merely calling me a liar and that my truth has no value.

The reality is that today, right now, as you are reading this, adults are doing to children, things that you could not even imagine. Things so invasive so abusive, that if it happened to you as an adult, you would never be the same.
Maybe it is time we faced to truth. Children are raped and beaten every day, and they will never fully recover from the damage it will have on their lives. Many will not live to adulthood, and those that do will fight to survive.
Listen when they tell you, believe them when they say these things. They are not evil children, they live in an evil world. We as adults are the only hope they have for safety and life. Please listen of they reach out to you. You may be all they have.