Over sensitive

We are in Queensland for a business conference. I spent yesterday afternoon at one of the meetings to sit in on some of the information. There were so many people there and the seating was so close together. Fortunately I was sitting between two people I knew which made it a bit better, but after and hour and a half of the meeting I had had enough of all the people around me and headed outside for the foyer to get some space. We then had a cramped taxi ride back to the hotel. By that stage I had had enough of other people. Hubby and I decided to have a quiet dinner and then stroll around some beach front markets not far from here. It was a nice night, but I felt quite over loaded and am enjoying a day to my self at the hotel, away from others, just vegging.
At home I never really think too much about how others live their lives except for perhaps close friends or family. But here I see so many other people into so much stuff and the constant crowds and I realize how uncomfortable I am with it all. I need my time away from it all, alone with my alters, where I have time to think, talk to them and where no on is touching me. Physical touch is a difficult thing, it is not something I am often comfortable with, even from people I know. After spending time with all those people talking and being close to me, I feel very overloaded, and oversensitive to all that is around me. I need time alone in a quiet space to get away from it all.
As I sit on the balcony of the hotel and watch the people below and see what they are doing and think of the others in the meeting, I realize how I am quite different to others. At home I am so busy with the running of the house and getting my work done, that I don't really think that much about it. My world at home involves interacting regularly with others like me. To me, having DID is normal, and I feel, well not comfortable with it, but not uncomfortable. I fit in there.
Here, I don't have work to do, yet it is still so easy to feel over loaded. I guess I feel more fragile, more broken here, not like everyone else. I see what my mind can't cope with. I watch all the others at the meeting and what they are achieving and I want to be there myself. I want to be able to run a business, and achieve and do all the things even my husband is doing, but my mind just wont let me. We just don't yet work together well enough to be able to handle the different situations and stresses needed to achieve what I want. It is frustrating and I find myself again getting angry at those who caused the trauma in my life.

Hi everyone, I know I haven't been posting regularly, things have been a
bit hectic at home. One of our boys has got himself into a bit of trouble. He is at his dads at the moment so it is giving me some time to relax a bit.
Hubby and I are in Queensland, Australia, at the moment for a business conference. He is going to the conference and I am enjoying having the time to hang out by the pool and relax without any house work or boy stress. So far it is day one and I like it.
 This is the view from our balcony. Not bad hey!
I have noticed I have not been coping well with all the stress at home. I have been living with constant headaches, some to the point where I have started to lose sight in one of my eyes. This has not helped with my alters either. I have had to spend so much time dealing with my external world, I have not been able to deal with or listen to what is happening on the inside. This has lead to some very unhappy Alters. They have started to get quite angry and talk to me in ways I have not heard for over a year. It is very frustrating both worlds need me and both are important but generally the external one will win when it comes to my boys. Especially at the moment. I am hoping some time away from the situation will help me to get closer to everyone one the inside.
We left home early this morning to catch our plane. Because of all the disruption inside, I only had 2 1/2 hours sleep, so it has been a long day. I have hope been working very hard lately one getting my sleeping routine strong and because of that I have, up until last night, been sleeping very well. With big change comes internal confusion and struggle. Last night there were several Alters who did not want to go away today, others who wanted to just stay awake until we left, out of pure excitement. Once we arrived, there was a bit of switching and changing but things seem to have settled down a bit now.
Going somewhere we have never been before is always a challenge and can be quite scary. This will often cause the Alters to switch around a bit until we find who is comfortable or can cope best with the new situation. It can take a bit of time to adjust and get settled in a new environment. So far so good. I depend very heavily on my husband as someone stable and familiar, it is very comforting to know he is with me.
I am looking forward to a good sleep tonight and hopefully a chance to kick back and relax over the next few days. I hope to keep you all posted, and hopefully everyone inside will enjoy the break too.

You're not Crazy & You're not alone

Browsing through you tube as I usually do and found these again. They are very informative and interesting if you haven't seen them before.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUDbB5zB9xY&feature=related


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0LNyXsErb8&feature=related


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXuG2zI39yA&feature=related

Where I belong

I missed going to Bridges today. I have a son home from school, so had to stay home and watch him. By about 3pm, about the time Bridges would be finishing, I was getting really cranky. I realized this is usually my one day out in a week where I can spend time with others who understand me, and where I am free to be me/we. I have Alters inside who obviously really enjoy bridges and the open interaction. I headed to my next favourite place for interaction with others like me Fort Refuge. It is not the same as sitting in a room with others, but it does help. That need to feel welcome and that you belong can be so strong. Even more that need for understanding and acceptance. How much more so for those who have spent their lives feeling they are bad, evil and unlovable.
Thank you to all those at Bridges, your contribution is invaluable.

The three faces of Eve.

One thing I am learning, no matter what happens in the outside world, there are always my alters to come back too. Things have been a bit crazy with my son lately. He has taken up quite a bit of my time and concern. As I find myself relaxing a little from the stresses of raising another teenager, I find myself back inside talking to and dealing with those on the inside. In a way it is comforting to know they are always there. To know I  always have some one to talk too. I am never alone. But sometimes I do wonder what it would be like with a quiet mind.
I was watching YouTube last night and found a video of Chris Sizemore. Chris is the person known in the story of "Three faces of Eve". She is now in her 70's/80's and has been integrated for 30years. Her insights into the disorder are very interesting. She talks about her alters and how they came to be, and even how her therapist created more. She speaks frankly and wisely about the condition and I found it to be fascinating and informative. I was very interested in what she said about life after integration.
I have included the links below, it is in 3 parts, but well worth the look.
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTvr2fDBjmg&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmNRDvicyOY&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UG_lOnI5KWo&feature=related

Am I really coping?

Today is only half way through and I am exhausted. Once again one of our precious boys has .......well caused me a considerable level of stress. I have spent the morning running around to school and on the phone to many people trying to sort this out. I find my self sitting in the school office waiting for one of the teachers to get back to me and I think, "I can't cope with this, I have too much other stuff to deal with!"
And then it occurs to me, "you have DID, you can cope with just about anything, you are resilient"
Indeed by the very definition of DID I am a survivor and able to cope with many things that most people would break under, and so far today I have managed without switching or even dissociating. (quite an achievement given the circumstances)
Times like these I am grateful I have already established such an effective coping mechanism, and I am sure that at some time, probably later today, I will switch so that another alter can take over and give me a rest. It is a rather effective system, but really, do we have to exercise it so often......surely it could be proven to be obsolete. I guess this is one of the joys of parenting. I just feel like every day is an effort to get through, and if it isn't, tomorrow will be!