Confrontation

As you look at me you see the person you expect to see. You may see a smile, a frown, a laugh, maybe even a tear, but you can never really see what is happening inside. As you go about your day, we, that is all that is me, fight to deal with the cause of this DID. As you know by now this is not caused by a small insignificant event and as time and therapy goes on the truth of what has happened to me comes out. It is not like a movie you watch and then turn off the screen and walk away. It is feelings, emotions, fears and pain both physical and remembered that expose the reality of the past. Some days are a struggle to get through without crying or hiding. Some days the anger for a life lost is so strong it is hard to concentrate on even the simplest things. In most cases the face you see on the outside is NOT the true face that lives inside.
But there in lies the problem. You look, you see my face, you may even take the time to ask me how I am going, and you may even really want to know the answer. For that I thank you, for your time and concern. BUT there are people out there who do not see, do not ask and for that matter do not know the torment, the torture, the brokenness I live with every day. They do not want to know, they do not care about the affect their actions have had on someone else's life.
There lives go one as if nothing has happened, they eat and drink, they party and work and all along they give little to no thought of those they have left behind in their wake.
It brings me to the question of confrontation. They will surely deny their past actions, they may even fain concern. Will it give me the release I seek? Will it help me to know that even though they deny it all, I know, and they know I know, and I hope that at some point they come to understand that they took someones life and broke into a million pieces that may never be able to be rebuilt again.
I am an intelligent woman and it has been said to me that it is  a good thing I am so intelligent as it has helped me get through this the way I have. I agree, it has helped, but!! If not for all this damage, could I have become someone great, a doctor, a psychologist, who knows, we will never know as I have spent my life fighting these secrets I have had to hide.
My only hope is that one day, even is it is at their death bed, they realize the damage and suffering they have caused to an innocent child, and that this child is still suffering to this day. (I am not alone there are many like me, and we all need to be heard)

I have been thinking today about the Physical side of DID. No don't worry I am not going into what happened to me to give me DID, I am going to talk about whats happens day to day. Although DID is mostly a mental disorder it has many physical affects. Headaches, sometime severe, are a common side affect of DID. Often this can happen when a switch is about to happen or when all the Alters want to talk. It can last momentarily or for days until the alters are sorted out.
Dizzyness is also very common. This for me often happens when a switch is happening or when one of my alters is trying to get my attention. The lightheadedness can last for quite a while and keep happening until the situation (whatever it may be) is sorted out. We may not always know what the prolem and reason is either, it can take a bit of figuring and listening to find out. Nausia, can start suddenly and finish just as suddenly. Sudden fatigue. Insomnia, mood swings and feelings of deprssion and anxiety are also very common side affects of DID.
All these things are very common for people with DID and can happen several times a day or not for a week, but they do happen and we have no warning as to when it will be.
Imagine your day today and what you did, add to that a bout of fatigue and nausia for no apparent reason that you have no idea why it started nor how to shake. You now it is not a physical symptom, they often feel a bit different.
Please be understanding of people with DID. There is a lot going on for us and it is not all about hearing voices and losing time. sometimes the simplest things become an event. We need to take time for ourselves and be well rested. We have one body supporting many minds and it is often hard work.
Just my thoughts for today.
Smile, your day could be worse!! :)

Integration

This is a link to some great information about integration.It is a very controversial topic in DID circles filled with much confusion. This site has answered many of my questions and comes from a unique prospective. It is quite long and can be heavy going but see how you go.

http://www.sidran.org/sub.cfm?contentID=73&sectionid=4

Please feel free to open a discussion on here if you wish on this or any of the topics I share. For privacy sake please keep names hidden.

Thanks
Lonnie

Catch up

Hi everyone,
I know it has been quite a while since I last posted on here. There has been so much going on I really have hot had much time or desire to talk about it all.
I was thinking the other day that i have not introduced you to my system. The system is the term used to describe the group of identities in my head and how they work.
So far I have identified the following identities and their information. Hope you find it interesting.
Inside we have Elizabeth 5yo, Michael 18yo, Olivia 9yo, Vanessa and Veronica twins 7yo, Suzie 22yo, Andrew 8yo, Anthony 2-3yo, Johnathon. There are several more but these are the ones I know best. There are also to the best of my knowledge 2 non human alters.
It is probably seems confusing to you but it makes sense to me. (sort of)
I know Elizabeth the most as she will often talk to me and show me how she is feeling. She is friends with Michael and they are often felt together.  Elizabeth was the first one to introduce herself to me and I feel we have a special bond.
How do i get to know them you may ask? If I allow time to sit quietly and listen I can often hear them talk in my  head, or I may feel something and if I ask who it is they will say their name. I also do journaling  as often as i can and it is not uncommon for one of them to take over and write in the journal or to show me pictures during this time.
I am beginning to see them as friends who often remind me of things I need to do or how to behave. Sometimes they all speak together and that is confusing and not at all helpful. I am not in control and can wake up on any given day with anyone of then running the body for the next few minutes to days.
 I have just finished about 3 days with Michael in control. He is strong and determined and because of that I have been able to get many jobs done that I have been wanting to get done for a while. Unfortunately he is not so keen on telling my husband he loves him or indeed kissing him. This can be awkward.
Today I woke up and Michael was gone and someone else has been in charge. As I have had to go to work today it has been a bit harder. I have felt exhausted all day. ( could partly be because of the storm last night and lack of sleep) (I was reminded to tell u this by whoever  is in charge today, i.e. its not all her fault)
Each day can be quite different as I never quite know who is in control of the body today.
It appears one of my younger members has taken to spending time with my youngest son.
She finds him to be lots of fun and likes to hang out with him when he is here. He is funny and makes her laugh. (she says)
It is very challenging, but I have a sense of Hope I have not had before, and slowly I am beginning to not feel so alone.
Please feel free to share this site with as many people as you think may be interested. Awareness if DID needs to be increased. We are normal people who have survived horrible situations, we are strong, we are survivors and we need acceptance.