As it is with many situations, isolation from others with the same condition can make it harder. I am finding the isolation from others with the same condition difficult. Just to be able to chat and ask questions and talk about the challenges we face, and to know that someone is living with similar symptoms as me and how they deal with it.
My family is pretty supportive but they do not understand and when I try to explain they often look at me blankly. I feel lost inside a body/mind that holds so many questions and very few answers. The others in my head don't even seem to want to tell me much, in fact they seem very protective about me not knowing too much. Every time I try and think of memories or understand whats going on 'someone' blocks me and says I am not ready to know that, and the memory is gone.
I cant go back now, i have to go on, I am determined to go on. I have opened the bottle now, i cant go back.
28 April, 2011
19 April, 2011
Finally
After seeing Elaine yesterday I am certainly feeling a LOT better. Much more relaxed...and it is quite a bit quieter in my head today. I haven't heard much at all today which I must say is great. Elaine and I spoke about some of the voices and where they could have come from yesterday and causes of some of my frustrations. It was very helpful and I feel like we are finally getting into the 'good' stuff. I am looking forward to our next appointment.
17 April, 2011
Two weeks
Its been 2 weeks since I have seen my psychologist. I am due to go back again tomorrow. I feel like it has been a bit of a whirl wind experience with her so far. This will be my 4th or 5th visit with her and i find that every time i go we really don't seem to be getting into talking about anything really deep. Its seems we are just getting to know each other.
This is of course normal, I understand that, but it all seems to be taking so very long to get anywhere. I feel like I haven't told her much more than i would tell most of my friends.
I have been considering hypnosis. I have never had it before but I am wondering if it would help me to be better able to communicate with the alters.
So far Elaine wants to focus on my depression and helping sort that out and therefore giving me the tools to better cope with the DID. There are days I feel like a relatively normal. human being and other days I feel like a total mess.
Ideally I would like to be able to know which one of my alters it is who is speaking to me and what their purpose is in the group. It is hard having so many people talking into your head all the time...it is like standing on shifting sand, you never know where you are and where you are meant to be. How you feel can change in an instant without your control, what you think is often even dictated to you by them.
DID sufferers are told that our alters are part of us and we are to be grateful to them for helping us to get though what was obviously a very difficult time, but it doesn't feel like that. It feels like someone is constantly correcting you and blocking you. Even your thoughts are not your own. Sit quietly and ponder something...don't say it out loud. May be ...what should i do today. As your mind considers the options open to you and what u feel like doing, someone in your own head chimes in on what THEY think you should be doing today, and can even make you feel bad if you don't do it. And there is usually more than one. There are no thoughts that are not shared with the group. Sometimes I long for privacy in my own mind, to be able to have a thought that no one else can hear or comment on.
I guess that has been the one thing this last week that I have been feeling the most, the desire to have private thoughts. For just me to know and to be able to follow a train of thought to where ever it goes for as long as it goes without interruption.
As I type this someone is reminding me how lonely it would be to not have us all and I know that when it is quiet in my head I feel lost, but just for a while a private mind would be nice.
This is of course normal, I understand that, but it all seems to be taking so very long to get anywhere. I feel like I haven't told her much more than i would tell most of my friends.
I have been considering hypnosis. I have never had it before but I am wondering if it would help me to be better able to communicate with the alters.
So far Elaine wants to focus on my depression and helping sort that out and therefore giving me the tools to better cope with the DID. There are days I feel like a relatively normal. human being and other days I feel like a total mess.
Ideally I would like to be able to know which one of my alters it is who is speaking to me and what their purpose is in the group. It is hard having so many people talking into your head all the time...it is like standing on shifting sand, you never know where you are and where you are meant to be. How you feel can change in an instant without your control, what you think is often even dictated to you by them.
DID sufferers are told that our alters are part of us and we are to be grateful to them for helping us to get though what was obviously a very difficult time, but it doesn't feel like that. It feels like someone is constantly correcting you and blocking you. Even your thoughts are not your own. Sit quietly and ponder something...don't say it out loud. May be ...what should i do today. As your mind considers the options open to you and what u feel like doing, someone in your own head chimes in on what THEY think you should be doing today, and can even make you feel bad if you don't do it. And there is usually more than one. There are no thoughts that are not shared with the group. Sometimes I long for privacy in my own mind, to be able to have a thought that no one else can hear or comment on.
I guess that has been the one thing this last week that I have been feeling the most, the desire to have private thoughts. For just me to know and to be able to follow a train of thought to where ever it goes for as long as it goes without interruption.
As I type this someone is reminding me how lonely it would be to not have us all and I know that when it is quiet in my head I feel lost, but just for a while a private mind would be nice.
10 April, 2011
Comments
Hello to every one who reads my Blog. Thank you for taking the time. This is a long hard journey for me and I often feel lost and alone in the process. DID is different for everyone and some days it is difficult to even get through he day. This is especially the case when there are voices going around your head making comment on what you do and say. I know the last week has been particularly difficult. My psychologist has decided to get a second opinion and is getting me referred to a Psychiatrist. This makes me very nervous. I have never seen a Psychiatrist before and it is always difficult to open up to a new person and to build trust. I have known my psychologist for some time so I already had a level of trust with her.
Please feel free to comment on my posts or to ask questions if you have them.
One day at a time...that's the best I can do.
I have attached a section of a post someone else posted on a mental health forum that i found. It actually describes what I go through very well.
There is a child in me, and when I do things like go to an amusement park with my own children the child comes over me and is there. I'm still there too, but I'm not 'driving the car anymore' if you know what I mean, it's like I'm a passenger in my body and someone else is making it move. It's right there, and the kids call me mom, I still am mom, but I'm not a mother- I'm a child. I laugh too much, I run too much, I bounce up and down in excitement (I'm 32 years old btw) and other adults in the area look at me as I'm nuts. I'm me, but I'm not me- I'm a different me that's so not me, it's a complete child, and I'm not like that all the time (sometimes, but it has to be stimulated to happen)
But they are not 'alters' (I don't think) because I can still stay lucid (powerless and an observer mind you) while these things are happening. The other pieces are in control of me (the car I say) but I'm only a passenger in my mind, and the vessel (car) in which they maneuver/drive.
Later in the forum others comment on what this person has written and many say that it sounds like them too and that they really are "Alters" but she just has Co consciousness with them. This is a mind field of questions and answers here.
For me, she has hit the nail on the head. It is like someone takes over driving my body and I am the passenger for a while. It maybe triggered by many things and the switches can be very quick and i will often forget what i was about to do when they change, but generally I am conscious and aware that someone else is in charge of my body and behaving a certain way.
It is a strange feeling to know you are behaving in a manner that is not "you" but to not be able to change it.
Please feel free to comment on my posts or to ask questions if you have them.
One day at a time...that's the best I can do.
I have attached a section of a post someone else posted on a mental health forum that i found. It actually describes what I go through very well.
There is a child in me, and when I do things like go to an amusement park with my own children the child comes over me and is there. I'm still there too, but I'm not 'driving the car anymore' if you know what I mean, it's like I'm a passenger in my body and someone else is making it move. It's right there, and the kids call me mom, I still am mom, but I'm not a mother- I'm a child. I laugh too much, I run too much, I bounce up and down in excitement (I'm 32 years old btw) and other adults in the area look at me as I'm nuts. I'm me, but I'm not me- I'm a different me that's so not me, it's a complete child, and I'm not like that all the time (sometimes, but it has to be stimulated to happen)
But they are not 'alters' (I don't think) because I can still stay lucid (powerless and an observer mind you) while these things are happening. The other pieces are in control of me (the car I say) but I'm only a passenger in my mind, and the vessel (car) in which they maneuver/drive.
Later in the forum others comment on what this person has written and many say that it sounds like them too and that they really are "Alters" but she just has Co consciousness with them. This is a mind field of questions and answers here.
For me, she has hit the nail on the head. It is like someone takes over driving my body and I am the passenger for a while. It maybe triggered by many things and the switches can be very quick and i will often forget what i was about to do when they change, but generally I am conscious and aware that someone else is in charge of my body and behaving a certain way.
It is a strange feeling to know you are behaving in a manner that is not "you" but to not be able to change it.
03 April, 2011
Stress
We all know that stress isn't good for us, but what is it like for someone with DID? Stress in its many forms makes life harder for us. Too much stress and the alters become restless and can come out more. Even something as relatively low in stress like starting an art class as I did this week is enough for the alters to get a bit upset. They were fine when I was concentrating on the sketching I was doing but by the time I got home it was a jumble of noises in my head. Change is a hard one for DID people especially if it is something they are all not prepared for. i.e. not all the alters want to do it or are ready to do it. Too much pressure and we don't know what to do or how to handled it and we usually have one of the alters take over and deal with it.
I have included a short film which shows what life can be like for someone with DID. sometimes it is very over whelming. One the outside we look so normal but on the inside there is so much going on.
I have included a short film which shows what life can be like for someone with DID. sometimes it is very over whelming. One the outside we look so normal but on the inside there is so much going on.
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