Struggling

I am struggling today with this new flashback and abuser. I find it hard with new memories like this. It is always hard to know what to trust, especially in the early days. There is a part of me that wants so much to be wrong and to have made it all up, but at the same time I want to be able to trust what I am feeling and hearing. I cant picture this person like this, mind you I did say that about one of my other abusers, and that has proven to be very real. It is just so hard, I don't want it to be real, I don't want to have to deal with this. Child abuse is such a horrible topic. Why does this happen? I keep asking myself, why would he do this to me when there were so many other people around who he could have chosen. What was different about me. I don't want to remember this, I don't want him to be involved in this too. I am not sure which is worse, what he did or that it was him. I feel betrayed. I feel so alone and lost and hurt. I want to go away, I want the pain to come out.  I don't want to feel like this.