Welcome to my Blog.

These are my ramblings in an attempt try and understand my Dissociative Identity Disorder. Thank you for reading my blog and I hope that together we can come to a better understanding of the human mind. If you have any questions or comments you are more than welcome to add them to my blog, or to email me. I would love to hear from you.

24 April, 2012

My inner Child.

This morning was not an easy morning. Yesterday had been a long day as I was awake at 4.30am until 9.30pm last night. I was hoping I would be able to get a good long sleep last night to catch up on what I had missed out on the night before. What I wasn't expecting was to sleep as long as I did. I had a lot of trouble waking up this morning. I ended up sleeping for  14 hours and could easily have slept for many more.
I knew when I had to get up to take my son to school it was not going to be easy and it took way more effort than I was expecting. You see this wasn't like normal tiredness, in fact I really didn't feel that tired. My mind was lost in the dream world. To me the dream world was far more real than the real world and it was also warm and peaceful and happy and everything within me wanted to stay there. I had been dreaming an interesting dream and I just didn't want to leave. I had to, of course, get my son off to school.
Once I got back home I headed straight for the bed again and was asleep again within a few minutes. Back in that world that I longed for so strongly. My husband came home about 11.30am and I had to get him to force me out of the bed. Again this wasn't tiredness, I didn't feel that sleepy, I just felt like I was lost in another place in  my mind and it was taking all my energy to get out. I could very well have stayed in bed for several more hours, but I have places I have to be today and things I need to do.
I struggled to get myself going and headed outside for some sunshine to try to help me 'wake up'. The world around me just seemed so ugly and uninviting. My dream world felt warm, safe, interesting and home. By this stage I knew that something was happening involving my alters, they are the only thing that make me feel like this. Disconnected from the real world, and I was actually seeing my house differently. Not how I usually see it, it looked less comforting, it looked messy, and like I really did not want to be here.
It took me a while of making myself keep moving and NOT  heading back to the bedroom before I found out what was happening. It was an alter. I presume a younger one, only because of what she said. She told me that every day I just get up and work and it was no fun. At least in her dream world it was a fun place to be and there wasn't any work to do. She had conveyed her message, made it very clear and then left. It is better to live in the fun of dream world than to be bored in the real world of an adult.  I can still feel her hanging around not far from the surface, but at least she is not in control at the moment. She is kind of right really. I do spend most days doing some kind of work. There is always washing, cleaning, gardening or my Dolls to work on and I never make time for the 'fun' things a child would like. I really don't make time for much fun at all. I enjoy making my dolls but obviously that is not enjoyed by every one inside. I think it is time to incorporate some colouring or drawing into my day, and maybe even some fun at the park.
I forget I have children inside and they don't want to live the adult life. It was easier when my sons were younger, I would spend time playing with them and it satisfied my internal children as well. Now they are teenagers I don't spend much time playing. I guess I need to spend more time entertaining my inner children and giving them play and fun.
One of the many joys of being a Multiple.

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