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These are my ramblings in an attempt try and understand my Dissociative Identity Disorder. Thank you for reading my blog and I hope that together we can come to a better understanding of the human mind. If you have any questions or comments you are more than welcome to add them to my blog, or to email me. I would love to hear from you.

14 April, 2012


I had an out patient hospital procedure yesterday. All went well and I am currently resting at home.
As many of you will know I am not particularly good with hospitals. As a baby I had to undergo several operations on my cleft lip before the age of 3. I therefore have an alter we call 'Baby'.
 Baby is so young she is preverbal, so cannot not communicate with words. When I was in hospital a few months ago I got my first chance to get to know Baby. She was very scared and didn't understand what was happening to her. I did my best to try and comfort her but there isn't much that can be done waiting to go into surgery, when you too are scared and really have no idea how to help this tiny alter who can't do much but lay there terrified.
This time I was expecting to have her come out and I had spent  quite a bit of time before the procedure talking all my scared Alters through what was going to be happening. I had taken my soft toy and my hubby had stayed with me as long as I needed him too. Besides the last half hour before they came to get me, I actually felt reasonably calm and as yet hadn't seem much of Baby's arrival.
After the procedure I was tired and sore and it took them a while to feel ready to discharge me. I was home in my own bed by tea time, and due to only 3 hours sleep the night before, I was fast asleep in minutes.
 I slept very soundly for several hours, not even moving a muscle. Hubby brought me some dinner later in the night which I ate but it didn't stay down long. Back to sleep again for several hours after more pain killers. This is where the fun began.
After sleeping soundly for hours I kept getting woken with my mouth making a strange sucking movement. I cant even replicate it now but it was persistent. I kept trying to go back to sleep but it kept waking me up. I would get up and go to the toilet, have a drink and try to sleep. I would doze but this sucking persisted. Eventually it occurred to me it was like what a baby would do if they were wanting a feed.
Ahh Baby. I got up and had a few crackers in the hope that would make her happy. Sure enough we went back to sleep for several hours after that. Again I was woken with this persistent sucking movement. She was hungry again. Some more crackers, a drink and pain killers and back to sleep. This went on several times.
At one stage I was feeling cold, yet physically quite warm. I have learned from past experience that this can mean an alter is cold even though I am not. I pulled on an extra blanket and woke my husband to give me some extra cuddles. By this stage I  figured that Baby was probably also feeling in need of some reassurance and protection. After cuddles and the extra blankets we went back to sleep.
I woke several hours later not to the sucking movement this time but to a biting movement. Baby had figured out that crackers were what was getting served so she needed to bite not suck. Some more crackers and back to sleep. This process was repeated again later. When my hubby got up at about 6.30am Baby was still quite restless and the crackers weren't doing it any more. I felt like she needed more soothing. The biting action wasn't stopping and she wouldn't let me get back to sleep.
I was trying to think of what would sooth an unsettled baby. Fortunately I make baby dolls and had just the day before bought some dummies for them. I grabbed one and shoved it in my mouth in the hope Baby would find it comforting. It was not really the right size for an adult mouth but the action of sucking was comforting and I was back to sleep in no time. Baby stuck around for several more hours (I had about 15hours sleep in total) and when I finally woke up this morning I felt her switch away and I didn't need the dummy any more.
I did have alters arguing about getting her to switch back earlier, but I said I was happy for her to stay forward as she is not often out and never gets a chance to have her needs met.
I feel like it was a very special time I had with her, and that it was nice to be able to finally take care of this very scared little baby. I feel a special bond with her now, and while I don't have any more hospital trips planned, I hope that I can get to spend some more time with her. She is a very special quiet little one that just needs to feel safe. I am hoping I helped last night.

This must all sound very strange to those of you on the outside of my world, but inside it all makes perfect sense. Slowly I am getting to know more and more of my Alters and why they are here. I feel good. It is a very nice feeling.

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